cause you left me just when i needed you most.

it’s quite disturbing. lately a recurring scene in my mind has been this scene in the library. i’m just in the library, at the first level of the children’s section, thats where i grew up (literally. i’d go there with dad every wednesday after tap dancing lessons) and that was one of the places i was really comfy with, until the library did a major revamp and hence it’s current modern look.

which isn’t cosy at all. it’s just elegant.

and thats the problem. with each new building, the architects manage to make the steel and concrete more beautiful, but the more steel there is, the colder it gets. and the more majestic the building, the less happiness its occupants feel.

the house i want to own when i grow up is a weathered house on some coastal stretch, near a beach with white sands and clear water. i think of it as a wooden house, but i’ll probably end up with something that doesn’t resemble a shack but yet is more of a house of bricks and straw than steel and concrete.

but what’s inside matters to. just because there’s a place you can go to for rest doesn’t mean you can call that place home, doesn’t mean that it’s a family, doesn’t mean that you have something to go home to, doesn’t mean that there will be someone there at the end of the day to make it all okay.

i’m not making much sense, i’m just rambling and this is stuff i’ve just realized… i’m really stoned now, after sapping out my creative juices for my LA essay in the afternoon just now, i’m just translating that for my chinese essay. it works, either way.

on a gross note, my toenail just fell off. its the aftermath of climbing down mount bubu in OBML. the toenail was purple and bruised, so i am kinda relieved it fell off cause at least the toenail area doesn’t look infected and stuff.

i am really tired, i am having a splitting headache. i don’t want to go to school tomorrow.

if math wasn’t every day of the week i would skip the days where there wasn’t math. i can’t believe i just said that but its true. to some extent.

i wouldn’t skip MI either. and some other random lessons but i am really too tired to think now. i’m blogging only because i am sick and tired of typing in chinese.

我现在真的很累，但我必须今晚吧这个作文搞好=/

life is full of possibilities.

today was generally not a very good day.

fpsp during LA. someone hit the nail when they said, you actually enjoy this don’t you? haha. double chinese was terrible; i really need to buck up for chinese.

went down to coro after school to print stuff. then came back to school for debates exco election. i didn’t get anything; to say i’m disappointed about not getting IP head is probably just scraping the surface of the issue. but i guess you can’t have everything in life, and besides, i believe that God has something planned out for me. i’m not going to let myself be sad about this. =/

but i guess… i need rest. hopefully this means i have my thursday afternoon free to run and sleep and finish my ever-growing-pile-of-homework.

OH BUT SOMETHING REALLY GOOD HAPPENED TODAY. okay actually, a few unexpected things happen, one of which was Mr Chia gave me a box of pretz for topping alpha in ma2103

this shall be my motivation to work even harder for the end of module tests. my math teachers really rock, and they’re really nice so getting an A is the best i can do to… “repay” them, for lack of a better term.

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it will be as you perceive.

it was a spectacularly disgusting morning where i woke up super early but got to school only just in time because i waited ages for the first bus only to get to the interchange and miss the second. URGH.

socratic seminar went good considering i prepped it for about 10 minutes. homework is the bane of my life, and integration test went so badly. i sincerely failed the test, out of carelessness i try to argue it away, but if i want my A i’m gonna have to work really hard for it >.<

today school took a long time to end, because i was looking forward to going out with mich, whom i havent seen in half a year T.T but Pe was rubbish, we played basketball and ahwell. i’d rather we have free time to RUN (zzomgosh running has become like, one of my favourite pastimes.) or like, free time to play basketball like… haiz. without weird rules and teams and nevermind. i am going to fail my physical fitness test again yikes.

well yes after school stood in for some audition with minh, was quite fun ahah. then rushed off to town, walked around wisma and taka and ended up at mos (again) for dinner with mich !

then we went off to gramaphone and looked through all the music titles. and we went to kino and i realized that my $100 vouchers expire next tuesday and i haven’t touched them yet. i’m planning to buy (don’t laugh.) meg cabot’s missing, and i haven’t decided what else yet but i will have to soon =/

well yes enough procrastination. i need to sleep and i need to do my homework and omgosh yay desperate housewives tonight!

hopefully tomorrow goes well. (:
(and gah. when is this cold weather going to end! sigh.)

the start of something new.

today was a very cold day.

went out with suzy today, after what seems like forever. watched harry potter and the order of the phoenix! the book was quite messy and the movie was messier; although i nearly cried when sirius died in the movie. i remember crying when sirius died in the book; i just couldn’t believe it. but seeing it in the movie made it so much more real, and the guy who played sirius, gary oldman, is a really really good actor. he made sirius seem so so real… and sincere and just made his death so much more painful.

ANYWAY ON A HAPPIER NOTE. today was really fun, sat at tcc for hours with suzy and just caught up on everything.

well yes. being the smartest person in the world, i have left my socratic seminar readings in school and my socratic seminar’s second period tomorrow.

whee.

i also haven’t finished my homework, which i am going to rush out now whilst watching high school musical.  watching that show’s like taking a step back in time; but now i guess i’ve sorted alot of things out, and realize that i can do fine, no matter what. but the show does bring back memories.

it seems that 16 is the year it becomes more difficult to maintain friendships; we change, we get too busy, we seek achievements, and all this at the expense of losing our (best) friends.

but anyway. i’m tired, i can’t believe there’s school tomorrow, i’ve had such a fun weekend. all i need is more music to make this perfect.

there were live bands playing all over town today. it’s so cool, i really really wish i could be like that some day. even if it isn’t like my career, at least a part time gig thing. i’m kinda sad iPerform was cancelled cause it means no more singing sessions in class with minh’s guitar, and i’m happy as long as i get to sing so yeah. i think most people know why iPerform was cancelled; there are various reasons behind it, and it’s regretful but just… i don’t know, i think we’ll get to hold it next year, which is a cool thought (:

happiness is a double-edged sword.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ARTHI (:

well yes, went for arthi’s very fun birthday part in the afternoon today. got super wet, thanks largely to the guys who seemed to be determined to get me as wet as possible. ate tons, played with water balloon bombs (amanda has an uncanny knack of making and throwing water balloon bombs. pro.), watched white chicks while having dinner, danced to a variety of songs, went swimming, sat in the jaccuzi like thingy and played truth/dare truth and shoot-shag-marry. super fun, we made this “unbreakable vow” pact thing (like in harry potter book 6 which i’m going to read later, just for fun.) so nothing that was said there will be leaked out. although my memory is like a leavy cauldron, i can hardly remember what was said there already.

oh had a meaningful talk just now while standing outside arthi’s house trying to dry up so we wouldn’t wet the floor of her house. it made me realize that well, alot of people make inferences from every action we make. it also helped me put some things in perspective; it’s like, when you tell your best friends everything, often it becomes difficult for them to give you advice or for you to see things clearly.

i was thinking about it earlier today, in our busy hectic city lives, we all need to take time out to breathe.
and realize what’s missing. or find out what’s going wrong.
sometimes everything gets just so insane, so messed up and so unclear.
and i’ll be left wondering about what happened.

well i also had dance class today, after what seems like forever. tried borrowing the chronicles of narnia from the library but couldn’t find anything =/

finished reading harry potter last night, and i just felt so deflated. the ending really, really sucks. nush said it makes sense for a kid’s book. but if rowling really wanted it to be a rowling book, she could have cut out alot of the killing. and since she wanted it to be a book for teenagers, she could have made the ending a little less like some silly fairytale. but at least it was good, until the ending -.- most of the questions were answered, but we don’t really know what harry’s occupation is, which kinda sucks. the last chapter could have been abit longer; the whole book felt so rushed =/ and it’s really sad that tonks and lupin died, especially since the reasons were so unclear. the whole everyone-dying thing really sucked towards the end lah. and we don’t know what happened to weasley’s wizarding wheezes or the whatever that thing was. sigh.

anyway i’m dead tired and tomorrow i have a mountain of homework to clear, namely one chinese essay, calculus homework and socratic seminar readings, all due monday. but tomorrow night’s high school musical and ugly betty so yay

but that’s just the way it is.

i’m very tired, but i’m very determined to finish reading harry potter tonight.

to say that the CO/GZ concert was majestic and “zhuang guan” probably does it enough justice, the solos were good and it was quite funny seeing who was in CO after hearing so much about them.

i realized this guy who takes the bus with me in the morning, who looks really gruff, is actually a really talented CO member who handles his instruments with the gentleness one would use for a new born baby. it’s amazing to see how gentle he is with the instruments, because he doesn’t look that gentle, especially since he’s a guy and all. so that was really cool i guess.

oh and the pre-concert was really fun today, grace had to go for piano so i was left to shop around orchard road for one hour to find minying’s rose and get grace + my dinner. i went through cine, heeren and half of taka before i finally found it.

went for supper with grace at BK after the concert. normality, free of worries, is just bliss. like when i was sitting at LJS in shaw having dinner just now, and i was reading my book and sipping my coke and i just felt so contented.

school today was a long day but felt kinda short. chinese was bearable. but this weekend there is this monstrous mountain pile of homework to finish, which really sucks because i really want my sleep.

ran 1.6km during pe today, but timing was just awful. really need to train, because when i was running today, for the first time in ages, my thighs started aching. usually its just my calves. this probably means i’m started to get fat thighs, because muscles ache when lactic acid from fats is burnt to create bigger muscles. or something like that, according to audrey. heh.

math has become a little stressful, but i’ll get over this soon.

today i’m very happy, still a little euphoric because after yesterday, i’ve had a BIG load taken off my chest, with many worries being answered.

today i did something very difficult; i managed to walk away. i managed, for once, to keep my promise to myself. i’m hoping this is going to work out, but i know that whatever happens next is not something within my control anymore. yet i am willing to accept the outcome… whatever it may be (:

anyway, i’ve said enough, i’m happy, and for once i’m actively trying to block out the empathy i feel for others so i won’t feel sad myself. and i will not let my own negativity get to me either (:

i’m off, but before that, i just have to say that my mum is really funny. here’s what she just said:

mum: i think your cat must have been born in the toilet. she loves sitting on the cold floor, even when it’s wet. she’s sitting in there now and i can’t drag her out!

lol. it doesnt look that funny in print, but when my mum said it it was really funny

when you’re gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you.

with all the excitement, nerves and worry that i have been fraught with today, it would not be shocking if i suddenly went into cardiac arrest.

oh, my poor heart. it either starts thumping in my throat or gets itself callously broken into pieces.

i’m very very happy today, for many reasons.

1. i survived PTM.

2. i didn’t screw up my debates exco interview! so hopefully i make it in.

3. dad is actually okay with my marks, and my gpa, and basically i didn’t get any scolding. no praises either, just a gentle “work harder on physics and chemistry okay.” i think my daddy has finally come to terms with the fact that his daughter wants/can/loves the humanities. i didn’t rule out taking H1 physics or H1/H2 biology though, just to make him a little happier (hopefully). the only problem dad has with my lit/hist/math/econs combi is history, and if i take KI i can drop history and take up lit and/or econs H3 instead. see, i am taking my future seriously. well yes, i have 3 H2s already, so i’m quite settled down i guess. (:

if my mad cow disease suddenly takes effect, maybe i might take H1 physics and head towards engineering. however, i doubt my brain can degenerate to that extent within 6 months such that i would actually agree to continue afflicting the pain of science subjects on my poor, poor brain.

i have reasons to be sad too, but i’m not going to let that affect me. not today.

besides, i don’t have any tears left to cry after today’s counselling session where i came to the decision that ….

letting go isn’t easy but sometimes it’s necessary to strengthen a friendship.

i am tired of crying and i think grace and minying have run out of advice to tell me, so i guess i should just accept reality and hopefully things will turn out fine.

friendship has to go through a storming stage, if it makes it through that it’ll survive. and if not, just like i always tell everyone, then that friendship wasn’t strong in the first place.

but i think we will make it through okay, somewhere at the end of some very long day. (: i have faith that whatever happens, God’s made it happen for a reason.

OH AND THANKYOU ARTHI, i’m having a blast reading harry potter <3! and congrats on being top 10 in the level, 03 is proud of you and all the other smarty pants of our class! cheer up okay, you’ve got alot to live for, so try to worry less and enjoy life more, you might just feel better after that (:

it’s forbidden love we’re brazenly seeking.

today was wasn’t a failure.

i got demoralized in math, but i did manage to get it in the end (somewhat). i hope i feel better when i finish the homework.

PTM’s tomorrow and all my dad’s seeing is ms selva who’s been very sympathetic (as usual) so i don’t think i am going to die that badly. that’s one worry down. especially since dad doesn’t think i did (that) badly. BUT ITS TRUE, other than flunking chemistry and physics i did okay. chinese i will work towards pulling it up, but minus that I AM DOING WELL DECENTLY. (:

i finally got down to confirming the PA stuff today for the iPerform, and that was one very awkward tense and scary moment for me (dont ask, long story). then a few hours later i get the sms that it has been cancelled. sigh. i should have expected it when the ominous phone call warning came in from chenxi this afternoon.

ahhwell. stuff happens, and although the full explanation will come tomorrow, i was expecting this after annabelle talked to me last week, so i can’t say this wasn’t totally unexpected either.

my blouse is has a big purple stain cause my marker leaked (long story). nush has a lookalike of my pink SMSLANGUAGE testpad, just that hers is in yellow. STALKER =/ although i must not be mean to nush because she feeds me, so i should really stop teasing her =p

but seriously there is very little aimless gossip in IP. most of it is either someone’s seriously attached (which is when you should whisper about it.) or it’s a budding relationship that you have to whisper about so you don’t spoil it. it’s not fun bitching about people, but it is fun making really randomly nonsensical yet somewhat logical pairings.

okay i’m rambling. my NE quiz today sucked ass. i answered 49 out of the 60 questions correctly, but my score’s the lowest in class cause i chose the wrong things to build -.-

my muscles are aching from yesterday’s run. but somehow this aching is bittersweet. (: and well. after school, ran off to gesps to teach P2s this time how to read basic words, and it’s really scary how little they know. it’s frustrating because i have never seen students so brazen before (trust me, if our IP teachers taught them for just ONE day, they’d NEVER criticize ANY of us ever again) and i have never seen such haplessness in language at this level.

i really feel sad for them, although today’s session was so trying that i forced myself to reevaluate if being a learning support program teacher is really the way to go. dealing with students of this level on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis might just lead to my premature death. i think i’d rather just do holiday workshops at most, it’s too painful to go through the motions every single day.

i’d rather teach math to a bunch of normal academic kids in some decent secondary school. those who have hope, but just need a little bit more pushing and encouraging.

yeah, that’s what i’d like to do, that’s what i’m heading towards, and that’s why i don’t need to take chemistry next year. and since i’m not taking chemistry, it wouldn’t be worth it to take physics or biology either.

not that i make the requirements for chemistry, even if i might for physics or if i do for biology.

i’m rambling again. but aunty kelly reminded me today that i’m really one lucky child, and as much as there are many things that i want but i don’t have, there are many things i love and cherish that others lack.

i stayed up until 1plus am last night finishing everything on my to do list, from emails to the pa stuff, to my overdue chinese essay and i even managed to try playing when you’re gone on the guitar for a while (: hence i woke up late this morning. urgh.

i need my sleep, but there’s another endless list of things i’ve gotta do. which sucks. big time.

all i ever wanted was for you to know.

went running just now. 3 rounds consecutive, no stopping, within like 30 minutes. so i technically ran about 30 minutes without stopping, which is kinda cool considering i havent been exercising much since lumut. heh.

came back totally red in the face and my mum actually got worried for once.

my hair feels slightly shorter after part 2 of grace’s haircut. heh.

i like running. running today helped to get my mind off alot of things, because the music just filled up everything. and made it okay. came back in a much better mood. (:

my stamina has improved since OBS. or rather, my willpower to go mind over matter, mind over matter, and maintain quite a steady speed. when i actually stopped my legs felt wobbly haha.

i just realized that this will probably be the last time i get to run this week, unless during PE i’m allowed my mp3 player and i successfully evade practising the incline pull-ups and related muscle-building activities >.<

just touched my guitar and there was some dust on it. found the chords for “when you’re gone” and it isn’t that difficult. quite fun actually. i’d go on but my fingers hurt and i have overdue homework and this is only the second week of term, so i really shouldn’t let this go on and accumulate considering that i’m going to be busy for the next fortnight or so with iPerform.

and talking about that, iPerform’s 3rd august, next friday, COME AND SUPPORT its at LT5, tickets are $5, get them from me cause i have 60 to sell haha. all proceeds from this concert will go towards the Hard Times fund for needy NJC students, so this is for a worthy cause so do come support thanks.