how many days have you just slept away?

i have one more topic left for me to make notes for for biology, that is the most challenging topic (for me), human reproduction. and i realized that i’m screwed cause after that, i still have to revise all the other topics again and memorize everything.
no PSC for me tonight, although the theme this year is musicals, something i would actually be interested in.
a day at macs, over 4 hours spent there, managed to focus and get down to studying bio. nush came to get her MI journals and told me there was a meiji fest so later on i went meiji shopping, even though the transfats from today oughta kill me already.
macs has surprisingly good cappucino, and although my arms are aching from the amount of trees i’ve killed making notes for bio (i should honestly sell my notes, they are seriously colourful and neat.) i don’t feel like conking out on my bed.

it doesn’t get much better than this, with the iPod, although i wouldn’t mind taking away the fries. although i just couldn’t resist buying fries then drenching them in mayo

on another note, my legs are aching, from extended immobility.
but my conclusion is that studying at harbourfront macs beats studying at home, even if it means when ass week ends i have alot of exercise to do

although i was sitting at macs and wondering why i didn’t start revising earlier; i always regret being such an extreme procrastinator but i don’t ever seem to learn, sadly. ahwells. hopefully it isn’t too late.

right now i’m more worried about the poor fluffy cat outside my house than my biology & english exams tmrw, and i wonder when it’s owners will come pick it up, if ever. i’ll probably call up the SPCA soon, although i’ve gotten attached to precious (what i christened it), even though i don’t know if it’s a he/she yet. i spent last night talking and stroking the poor cat though, it seems to miss the feeling of being loved.

oh. right. i think i love animals just that bit more than humans, i smile at any stray cat/dog/kitten/puppy i see on the street but sometimes i can’t even spare a fellow human being a scathing look. whoops.

back to biology. and hopefully i don’t get another brain blackout, and hopefully i don’t screw up ass week. sigh.

the poor cat.

please don’t mind what i’m trying to say cause i, i’m being honest.

1. there is a big fat cat hiding on the veranda outside my door, under my neighbour’s shoe rack. she makes my chubby cat look thin, she has a triple chin and she’s flurry & fluffy. my cat lacks the social skills to say hello but can only run away upon sight of the other cat. tsk.

2. my wireless, email, MSN messenger & facebook are all screwy. this must be a sign.

3. wanted to skip dance class today but dad forced me to go, and i’m happy that i managed to do a double pirouette

4. MI journals! ):

5. the pressure of having to score an A is really getting to me, because for at least half my subjects i’m already scoring an A which means that screwing up ass week would make all the effort i’ve put in this year/semester/term go to waste. which isn’t a very friendly idea, and i feel suffocated and just… trapped.

6. i really, really want to run away. right now. today.

7. i have realized that econs, for me, is quite screwed. and the whole list of exams start the day after tomorrow.

8. i wouldn’t mind if the world ended. exams may seem trivial but if the world ended the day after tomorrow i wouldn’t really mind, i actually feel quite satisfied with what i’ve done, and all.

9. after sleeping the afternoon away yesterday, and sleeping early last night, i’m still frightfully tired.

10. i can’t wait to get my iPod cover, and go running. i have a sudden urge for coffee from starbucks or the coffee bean, quite odd i know. maybe i’ll go down to harbourfront to study tmrw & grab something there. i can’t study at home, it’s too distracting! ):

hey there delilah.

sometimes you only get one shot and if you mess that up, that’s it.

i think i get depressed too easily.

although something happened this morning that made me ever more certain that there is a God up there listening, who will answer your prayers and who loves you.

sometimes it’s just to hard to trust, just to hard to believe in Him, just so hard to focus on anything.

i need to get down to studying, and i’ve planned out a study plan for the THIRD time this assweek already, and hopefully i’ll follow this one.

i’m so tired and i want sleep, and i’m going back to not eating again because i’m too lazy to stuff the food in my mouth, + tongue hurts.

in an alternate reality i would drop all these in an instant for something i’ve never tried before, and in an alternate reality i would actually be getting somewhere.

or maybe i should stop worrying, and go sleep, because being tired is truly driving me insane and past the brink of normality.

it’s the little things that give you away.

running away, or facing the truth.

the sudden realization of something you knew, but forgot about.

i realize that the ultimate point of ridiculousness is when you realize you have never been so tired in your life, and you’re so tired you’re almost always rambling, and you can’t stop the tears from coming because you’re just not strong enough anymore, and people tell you that you need sleep because you just look so tired.

although i know when assweek is over i might just kick myself for not studying hard enough; all i know isn’t that much and i listed it in the post actually, & deleted it cos it was such a pathetic list!

and i figure i might not know enough to sustain my As in IH and math, or just to pass my IS modules, and i should be bucking up right now but all i wanna do is go hide in a corner and cry, and i want to study but i don’t know where to start.

i don’t know what i don’t know, and the grey evening skies today represented my mood perfectly.

i honestly wish it didn’t have to be this hard, and sometimes i just give up and decide that maybe curses do exist.

i know i could be having it worse, but as usual i’m always wanting more.

i’m still rambling.

-

adjkfh dsfjksd. not going to comment on CIP today except that i figure God wanted me to learn the guitar for various reasons, which means i should put in more effort into it and not just roll over and say forget it.

stayed back with nush & shuyi to study but i completely wasn’t in the mood. ended up writing out the lyrics to it ends tonight & distracting them from studying with long conversations on everything under the sun, but we realized that we really love & treasure & appreciate our teachers alot (:

i am so, so tired, and my tongue still hurts so eating a solid complete dinner is out of the question for me, guess it’s blueberry morning dinner in front of the TV.

ugh. i hate being so sluggish! ):

it’s study days but feels just like normal school.

unfruitful but fun.

I CANT BELIEVE HOW GULLIBLE SOME PEOPLE ARE.

wenjie: i need to pass you something tmrw
me: oh, today was like my last day of school.
wenjie: oh. why?
me: oh yeah ! i forgot to tell you. i’m leaving for the US next week!
wenjie: cool!
me: yup, i got a UWC scholarship majoring in theatre studies, so no more NJ for me.
wenjie: HUH?!
(me lets the convo drag on abit more.)
me: haha. joking luh.
wenjie: not funny.

(i wish it was true though, i sure wouldnt mind!)

I AM ALSO MAJORLY SPAMMED.
i have a starfish aquarium that cheryl contributed to greatly, and i complained to audrey who promptly decided the time was right to give me a big shark ! ahah. after that i complained to minying, who then proceeded to flood my aquarium with every possible fish, hence my aquarium is now teeming with life!

-
and now i should really get down to studying, like i should have hours ago.
facebook/ photos has made me realize that i am lankier than i perceive myself to be, and i’m actually quite tall & sticklike. haha. it doesn’t help that this sore on my tongue is affecting my appetite adversely.
physics today was fun, i actually managed a B on the consolidation quiz. maybe i might just be able to pass my IS modules this term. haha.

想. 回到 过去。

there isn’t any other better way i could put it than in those 5 chinese words above.

today is what everyone considers our “last day of school”, and i don’t know if i should feel happy or sad, or anything at all, really.

no one’s been crying; i doubt we ever will, because this really isn’t the end, although i am going to miss the classroom! and the nice tables. haha.

but as ms selva says, we will always be a class!

i figure if there was ever a time to forgive & forget & just love every member of the class for who they are (quintessentially taking all external factors to be negligible), it would be now, because there isn’t much time left anyway.

right? ahah i don’t know.

if dance, singing and/or theatre was a subject, i would take it. so maybe being born in singapore (esp in this era) was a mistake, because just a few years later i could have gone to the arts school. but maybe it isn’t too late either. is it?

today i just feel like asking questions. i’ll never have to sit through another IS module, will never have to deal with another chemistry lesson (alas, it does feel odd to be rid of the bane of my existence), but i probably won’t be with my crazy, insane 03. which is sad, i guess, not to see my classmates from monday to friday but only for 100 minutes a week that we’ll probably spend on catching up with just our BFFs.

class reunion? in ten years time? i’d say probably, yes, to both.

will we change? yes, because nothing ever stays the same.

i don’t really know what i’m talking about either, but i guess, if ever, it’ll be the week we get our exam papers back that will truly mark the end for me.

and maybe this ride wasn’t that bad after all, because i wouldn’t mind sitting through it all over again, & i’d probably make less mistakes along the way too. (and get more As by paying attention. haha.)

but if i could choose again, from that fateful day 2 years ago that seems like an alternate lifetime, i’d probably stil choose NJ.

but all i want right now is to feel the breeze as i watch the sunset on sentosa after sleeping on the beach for the whole day. and once the exams are over, i’ll probably do just that too.

we’ve gone one big round yet we’ve come back to the start;

03, i love you (:

(& here’s why school is fun)

The painful superficiality.

Today was another day of ups & downs, nothing incurable by my iPod’s complete selection of songs from my entire library, from canon in D to calm me down & singing “my humps”  & “milk shake” with tiff in the canteen.
Today was a productive study day, because Amanda was a darling & taught me chemistry thanks so much
During Chinese I wrote letters since it was “self-learn”, so I figured if I wasn’t in the mood to do a paper I might as well figure out my compo skills first for practice.
I need a new attitude, and it’s quite scary to think I might not be able to count on the time after exams because it’s just two weeks! Sigh. =/
I think I let myself get affected far too easily, which is bad. Because it means I need to make a concerted effort to psyche myself into curbing the temper & curbing the negative thoughts thing.
From being addicted to facebook though, I now no longer need my computer because I’m quite happy with the iPod. At this rate, it won’t matter that I screwed up my Chinese module of goodness knows how many credits, because I’ll manage to pass everything else.
In this life, hectic confusion couples with our natural instincts to disastrous effects.
But one thing stays the same;

I love my iPod. (:

On another note, geog presentation today was not bad, every minute spent perfecting those slides (and the fonts, font colours, choosing the theme) was totally worth it because it looked really nice on the screen. I think there’s this curse of the OP thing going for me though, I keep losing my OP scripts JUST BEFORE the presentation. Ugh.
Thankfully nush’s tablet was at hand today, thanks dear (:
i love my friends (:

it’s here and now.

my iPod is finally here, syncing it now.

as promised i will listen to my iPod and study my ass off, so don’t be surprised if you don’t see me online because i no longer have an excuse to use iTunes and hence like,  get distracted.

the iPod is insanely beautiful, i’m in wondrous awe & i’m running around the house searching for temporary protective gear.

today in school i wasn’t really paying attention, too distracted by the thoughts of the iPod after the guy said he’d deliver it tonight.

so here i am holed up in my room staring at my iBook & iPod, and i realize i should invest in Apple shares. haha.

i love my iPod, and hopefully (probably) it’s as good as i expected it to be.

finally, <3!

today i was happy & gracious & cheerful, and managed to keep the serenity prayer in my head mostly. (:

thank you, God (:

the wisdom to know the difference.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

there is… this person i don’t like very much. i would love to use the word hate because it isn’t an understatement in this case, but i just don’t like her superficiality and i get bad vibes from her too.

however, after ranting about how much i abhor her existence, i decided to take a step back & offer this up to God.

that i cannot ignore her & pretend that she does not exist is something i cannot change, and hence it is something i must learn to put up with.

my goal for this week is not to be mean to her in any way, to be absolutely civil, and to try to stop hating her so much, because i’m sure… this is all a misunderstanding.

and God wants us to love everyone, so i guess i should be doing my best to try.

-

on a less sombre note, dialogos (aka coaching sessions) have really impacted me. and i also cannot wait for my iPod. and i also need to finish up writing my own OP for geog and find my AV cable =/

one night of listening to avril lavigne & doing nothing, if i go on at this rate i’m doomed for assessment week ):

meanwhile, i’ll keep the serenity prayer in my head.

sunshine calls but i cannot answer.

okay i’ve been doing geog for the whole day, having slept at the luxurious time of 1030pm last night with the promise that i would wake up at 11 but completely missing the alarm after that and ended up sleeping for the best 12+ hours of this week.

so yes, kissed goodbye to my plans to go down to the swimming pool to swim/tan/study, sucks not to be able to make use of the lovely sun ugh. can’t wait for ass week to be over although i figure i’ll have to study like madddd.

i don’t know why but i’m actually not miserable being cooped up at home and typing out an OP sript or doing up a powerpoint, i actually find it fun (although deadlines are scary yet necessary for me to set for my procrastinating self) which means journalism might not be such a bad idea after all. haha.

the best part of today wasn’t the slight sense of achievement when my powerpoint slides were done (partially because i’m still editing them to make it more aesthetically appealing) but going online to order my iPod which will come by THURSDAY, so i am going to be the proud owner of an iPod by the end of this week. i’m dying of the anticipation already

oh yeah shopping with mum at john little yesterday was quite fun too, yesterday was like bonding with parents day, except that it wasn’t family bonding cos i spent half the day with dad and half the day with mum. haha. but i am totally applying the coaching skills that i learnt this week from “dialogos” because i’m starting to actively listen to my parents, which ends up with them staring at me going, “aren’t you going to say anything?” because i can’t ever keep my mouth shut. haha.

yes, it’s good to learn. and before i feel to guilty i choose to follow samartha’s path of attempting suicide, once i’m (finally) done with geog i will do MATH, the love of my life that i’ve neglected for far too long & now kinematics and e-math are haunting me. URGHH.

but considering that my iPod’s on it’s way, nothing can really get me down, not even the fact that ass week is in 8 days and if it was tomorrow i would fail everything but LA, probably. ahwell.