and if i had just one more day to tell you-

maybe, someday, i’ll find someone i can run away with, maybe just for a moment maybe just for a day, maybe for a lifetime, maybe, maybe, maybe.

i like running, and i like running away. staying away from reality and pretending nothing’s wrong, living in self denial and being happy, even if it’s just for one moment.

i need to sleep, i need to cut my nails. i just took the malaria pill which is super big pfft. i finished packing my bag, like 80% anyway ! i am very proud of myself ahah.

i wouldn’t mind hiding out on an island, or sitting by the seaside, and maybe that’s why i like sentosa so much.

muscles ached today, i had to drag myself out of bed for debates which was a lesson in KI. i thought of it as, what i missed by taking GP. at the moment i saw the side gate closed i said shoots, and as i was walking into school i vehemently hated the fact that the side gate was closed, because it’s an insanely long way to the main gate and i was tired to begin with, omg.

and my iPod ran out of battery halfway there, of all the days! ): got my mp3 player back andd i need to reload it with songs.

i wanted to go back to stc just now, i planned to, but somehow i just didn’t get round to it. i hate myself alot sometimes.

if i had just one more day; i’d wish we had today.

i have tomorrow, where i’m sending my laptop in to be fixed, then saturday morning i’m gone, and i’ll be back next saturday, whee!

i’m quite excited, i hope i don’t mess up anything, and i really hope to have fun! which i’m quite sure i will haha.

i’ll miss all of you. <3 bye!
pray for my safety, thanks =)

& i will be right here, waiting at the beginning with you.

i need to repaint and cut my nails, i need to pack my bag, i need to get my mp3 player back, i need to fix my laptop, and preferably go back to stc for a while too.

dance today, the full-dress rehearsal, and we managed to finish choreographing, whee!

the dancemates, <3!

dancing makes me sleepy, extended hours of dancing is tiring. but still fun practicing and everything.

had botak jones for lunch which was very filling, so had yoghurt for dinner. yoghurt is muchloved.

i like our dance costumes! wearing the leotard reminds me of being 8 again, dancing in a ballet recital again, except that i’m more serious about dancing right now even though i’m no more gentle than i was before.

i like performing much, and in a few days i’ll be facing the great unknown, which should be quite fun.

i just typed out a long chunk which somehow got deleted.

-

i think fate is overrated, and it’s time to call it quits for me. i’ve lost faith in fate; or maybe i’m just scared. we give up because we’re scared, we fear failure.

and right now it’s an overpowering sense where i’m willing to just throw in the towel because i’m scared, and i’m tired, and on every front it’s over.

i’m not making sense but i guess, sigh. life isn’t fair.

-

What day is it? And in what month? This clock never seemed so alive
I can’t keep up and I can’t back down, I’ve been losing so much time

Cause it’s you and me and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it’s you and me and all of the people
And I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren’t coming out right
I’m tripping on words, You’ve got my head spinning
I don’t know where to go from here

in front of you i just clam up and want to shut up, a feeling utterly foreign to me. =/

do you remember, do you, do ?

ogl meeting this morning was very fruitful, i managed to come up with half a dozen rather decent cheers in 30 minutes. =D went out to coro for lunch with the solarians after that, and i’m quite looking forward to orientation! =)

and then met lavania at vivo, bought my hazelnut chocolate at candy empire and then went down to kellock to visit mdm tan one last time before she retires. i don’t think i’m going back to kellock ever again after this. the teachers who havent left are busy with their work, and today we went to the rooftop, hung out in the gym, a whole bunch of do you remembers, and we relived those good times for a while.

okay i guess but we had to return to reality; kellock has a drumset and i’m insanely jealous. i am still hoping i can form a band next year! =D if i can i should go back to stc; but i’m just way too busy, goodness.

dance practice today was very tiring, i fell asleep on the way home, awake now only because i walked through the rain, the ice cold rain that was amazingly refreshing.

i’m deadend nervous about tomorrow’s performance, partially because i’m far from perfect, and partially because dad will be there and besides myself, dad’s probably my greatest biggest critique.

right now i feel fatigued.

i wonder if fate & destiny are overrated, i wonder if i’m making too much out of what i get, i wonder if i should trust and go all out, i wonder alot but at the end of the day i guess nothing comes out of all that wondering.

bah; goodnight.

trying to catch your heart is like trying to catch a star

i feel like i’m juggling a thousand things at once;

maybe it’s because i’m leaving on saturday and in between i’m trying to cramp as many things as i can, meeting up with everyone and trying to settle everything.

today was a balancing act; i think i’m not a good coach, but i am trying and i think over time [and not under the pressure of a 1 hour prep] i could be a better guide.

i saw this guy from my guitar class at fmss today and i figure people look rather different in school uniform haha. like more matured.

and then ! went for BBQ at esther’s chalet, which was rather fun and very nice catching up with cherene, tessa and serene. i kinda miss being in 2e and all the insane times with esther in tiong and spotlight in PS and making friendship bands and YM ! omg i miss YM, very much.

and these memories are all so deeply entrenched in the past, but i remember a time when these meant everything to me, and i was the happiest and most confident person around. i’m not as confident now, but maybe it’s awareness that has toned down my cockiness? i dunno what’s better, i guess. haha!

and tomorrow is another crazy day, and so is wednesday, thursday and friday. i see aching muscles and a rush to pack, oh poo.

i might, i want, i could, i should; there are many things, many options, and omg, omg is my new favourite word; and i don’t know.

but at least for now;

i couldn’t sleep last night, so at 2am plus when i finally did, a mere 8 hours later when i did wake up i had to take my first cup of coffee since the 2 days before chinese o levels.

DEP today, went quite okay. FMSS spar tomorrow, omgosh it’s 9am. the whole world wakes up far too early and forgets that there are partial amnesiacs in the world such as myself who don’t wake up before noon, mostly.

i love holidays. i just do.

i think i can’t live without my iPod; i’m not bringing it to vietnam, so i’m using my old mp3 player and i can’t decide what songs to put in since it’s just 1gb, and i realized i won’t have my photos. i won’t be homesick, but i might miss my iPod.

i’m insane, i think. or going mad. and being a happy kid; somehow being at peace with myself means that i act like a kid, which is bad i guess =/

i’m bingeing like mad, chocolate is like my main diet, and last night while i was packing for vietnam i tried this shirt which i bought in january and fit just fine, and now’s way too tight. like unwearably tight. which means i won’t be going near the weighing scale for a while now. but nevermind, i loves chocolates lots.

i like bumming around much. and i want to stay ip2 forever, i want to do this year again. i don’t want ip3, i don’t want next year to come, and i’m terrified one day i’ll wake up … and i’m ip4 and it’s the A levels the next day. time just passes so fast, i’m just mortified that such a day might come unexpected.

as in, i know it’ll come, but i’m dead scared time will fly in the blink of an eye ):

ip3 sounds amazingly scary. oh poo. =/

the inside lingo had me at hello.

today, hello was goodbye and this might be the end. i don’t feel an inch of sorrow, but rather a tinge of regret that this couldn’t stand the test of time & that it’s come to this.

i never thought this day would come, but i guess i should have seen it coming. maybe this just proves that the fate i thought we had wasn’t so strong after all. and of course, there’s the part where you betrayed me too.

haha, maybe i am surprised that this is much easier than i thought, and maybe i should have listened to the BFFs earlier. a few months earlier.

i’ve realized this year i’ve made a few new friends who i am so glad God has put in my life, and of course the BFFs who prove that friendship gets stronger over time, but at the same time i’ve seen true colours of a few people and maybe showed them my disdain. i am sorry, to God, to them, that i can’t love everyone, but i do hope that i can try to be nice next year since i no longer have to face some of them everyday.

-

dad bought me french cheese yoghurt that’s 99% fat free but tastes sinfully delicious. i’ve realized that malaria pills are disgustingly expensive, $36 for a pack of 8 tablets. and then dad scolded me for getting them last minute, but i think he figured out later that it wasn’t my fault. i think the whole ISL trip is terribly rushed though ): but i think it’ll be fun when we get there

went for youth with grace today, just made me feel more at peace with myself, which is excellent. i love praise & worship music, much.

went shopping at vivo after that. okay it was supposed to be buying turnips for mum, but i wound up getting chocolate at candy empire and being very tempted to get timtams ): then saw this little mermaid pen but it wasn’t nice to write with so i bought a few cute cards instead ! i think turning me loose in vivo with anything more than a few dollars is courting major spending spree troubles. haha. AND THEN finally i went browsing around giant for the turnips (i have no idea how turnips looks, i hate grocery shopping because i dunno what is good or bad!) and wound up buying other random stuff.

vivo’s giant has FBTs, YES BINGO. and i’ve realized that, shockingly, the only reason i’m broke is 90% of the time — FOOD.

yes, so my $20 a week allowance mostly goes to (junk) food. unbelievable.

on a side note, i think i’ll apply to be an islander next year =p

ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.

it’s friday, and i didn’t even notice it until my phone beeped a reminder to watch the season finale of ghost whisperer. so although i am a tad sleepy haha i’ll stay up being a TV junkie catching ghost whisperer, survivor & shark. shark is my official favourite show right now

day out at sentosa, i <3 sentosa. it’s like a beach in my backyard cause it’s rather accessible, and today in an adventurous mood went down to tanjung beach which is this lagoon-y quiet place that isn’t crowded, hence makes a good place to sit down, read, chomp on chips, slurp a slurpee and listen to music. i like palm trees, even though i can’t climb them =p

i devoured 2 books today, joy luck club and ALIAS APO series, with the former being a large, messy disappointment.

weather today was trashily bad though, the sun didn’t come out till like 3? i am barely a few shades darker which is quite saddening. ): hopefully i find time next week to pop by and bum around the whole dayy.

i like bumming around much.

i feel rather at peace now. staring at crystal clear, sparkling blue waters [yeah water today was reaaaalllly nice.] and gushing nonsense or listening to the waves is very rejuvenating.

little kids toddling around + dogs swimming in the sea = cute
sec 4 students squealing + a grand total of 5 couples taking wedding shots = not cute. at all.

a week from now i am leaving. i said it just now and i realized i’m counting on this much: alot can happen in a week.

7 days, 5 practices, about 10 hours later i’m supposed to be able to pass off as a chinese dancer. EVERYONE so far has scoffed at the idea that i can actually be gentle and graceful, and i’m pretty much sold on that idea that i’m destined to lumber around and at the most, catwalk but not like run or dance nicely. but then again, miracles do happen.

i just have to believe, i guess.

jennifer garner is on the latest 8-days cover, shall get it! =D

my thighs are flabby but i’m too lazy to go running >.< i’ve consumed so many calories in the past week i probably deserve to be fat ))):

sugar we’re going down, swinging.

yay i am a happy girl =)

debates this morning went unexpectedly well, despite being absolutely rusty i think i’ve improved, which rocks since the last time i debated was months back.

fmss spar on monday, and hopefully that goes well too =)

went for lunch with mum after debates, another super big lunch with dessert and all, like my parents have some secret plan to stuff me with food and then send me for slaughtering haha.

went to the library and borrowed some books, including joy luck club. i got really frustrated standing in the middle of the library, lost, because i forgot the title of the book that i used to like, it’s something about fire and a tv journalist but i just couldn’t remember, and that was really frustrating. i felt like a kid; and i didn’t find the book in the end either ): that sucked.

came home and bummed around, went out with nush to cine. stardust was sold out omgoodness )))))): so we watched bee movie instead !!! which was really funny and fun and hahahahahh.

mosquito who became a lawyer: i’m already a bloodsucker [something], i just needed a briefcase.

LOL.

and then ! after that we went shopping, and instead of like shopping for clothes as originally intended, we ended up shopping at some kid’s fair for stickers etc.

i’ve realized that i actually hate disney princess merchandise, because it rarely features ariel and when it does she’s usually disfigured. and they don’t even have mulan and pocahontas even though they’re featured in the disney princess lineup. i think it’s just singapore but still.

and i hate pocahontas 2. it disfigured and spoilt pocahontas, and i was better off not watching it, especially since at 16 i’m a critical viewer. poo.

but yes feel quite happy today, quite satisfied with myself which is rare.

a funny thing happened when i debated today; after a 6 minute speech i was exhausted and hungry. so i guess i really gave it my all.

and i’ve realized that salty popcorn is quite nice, and that i drink water the way i gulp air after a run, in copious amounts.

i pray & hope very hard for sunny and nice weather tmrw, whee!

-

in other news, precious the stray cat is outside my house again, meowing and hungry and i don’t know what to do, i’m leaving for vietnam in 8 days and after that i won’t be in singapore, so how? i can’t feed her but i can’t watch her starve, and i don’t know, when i saw her i nearly started crying >.<

so maybe i’m not that happy after all. =/

is it the autumn leaves that change?

i | dancing.

caught in the undertow.

i’m happy, but it’s kind of a bittersweet happy.

daddy drove in from JB just to go down to the doctor’s with me for the jab, maybe because i’ve had an extreme fear of injections my entire life. so dad called and woke me up in the morning to tell me it was raining and he’d drive in to bring me to the doctor’s. so after a very big and very scrumptious heartland foodfare of botak jones [no dinner for me after that!] we went off to the doctor’s and i was apprehensive and scared. i have a rather low pain threshold.

i’d rather go on stage in front of a hundred thousand people making a fool of myself than take a jab, but thankfully this flu vaccination wasn’t as bad, just left my left arm rather paralysed.

dad dropped me off at school and i hung out with nush & sherlene only to realize i was alone for self-practice for the isl dance, so makeshift partnered for summer nights with the other group while waiting for nush to be done.

i can still remember how to dance summer nights, and quite quickly picked up hey ya. i can dance, i just can’t be gentle! ):

went out with nush to the botanics after that having macs’ chocolate fudge sundaes =) didn’t watch stardust after all, just sat by the lake talking and watching swans. very peaceful =)

then got the sweetest sms of my life, a reply from my coachee [he finally received my letter!!!! ] which nearly made me cry right at the bus stop.

bittersweet happiness.

-

catherine lim’s writings are proof that the road to love and long and ardous, and that love, like life, is quirky.

i wonder.