i want something more; to get me through this semi-charmed kinda life.

i survived today on 3 hours of sleep. it got so bad that this morning i was just total blurry eyed and beyond dao. sorry, i really just couldn’t see clearlyi ran my 2.4km in 13 minutes and 46 seconds, a 1 minute improvement from last week without even training and i did it on an empty stomach: rushing to get to school by 7am means that breakfast is a luxury i don’t have time for. i’m not 171cm, and 51kg — we took height and weight today. like, yay HAHA. i was quite scared at first from all the trans fat and rubbish food i’ve been eating this week.

today was spent trying hard to keep awake and rushing out homework, and then lunch was rather entertaining when we all decided to be racist, sexist and generally discriminatory HAHA.

then stoned around in the canteen. hung out with nush in the atrium of all places, then with lavania and co at the orange tables. went off for debates, a funny but not well done debate. i’m just glad i wasn’t falling asleep like i was in my lessons.

i am so so tired. and i still have homework. and my mind’s going mad just thinking. about everything.

i don’t really know what i’m doing with my life anymore.

i’m not very sure what i’m getting into, and it’s about time i made my stand. to learn to mince my words, or go on being a vindictive blade which i quite enjoy.

there are people i strongly detest, to the extent that i would quit a project to avoid them, or sit at another table when they rudely plonk down at mine uninvited during lunch. it strikes me as childish when i talk about it, but i think avoidance is better than confrontation because i never get hurt by confronting others. sadly my shield’s quite strong when i’m defending it.

ah whatever it’s too complicated an issue for my tired mind to think about.

this is more than just a dance hall drug; you can’t wait to fall in love.

for the Dorothy Cheung NTU Tournament,

i missed daredevil last night, i miss youth yesterday, i miss AC’s funorama that i really, really, really wanted to go for, i probably won’t be able to finish my homework that is currently overwhelming me, and i didn’t get enough sleep over the weekend, which means next week is going to be hell.

on the other hand,

i gained experience, confidence, a chance to practice all the stuff i learnt in DEP, to adventure because there weren’t any stakes (we never wanted to break, it wasn’t even a JC competition but against universities that have a different debating format to start with). i broke out of my comfort zone of 1 hour (slack) preps, and with an entirely different team i’ve never worked with before, and it’s just been incredibly enriching.

honestly i think it was worth it, i don’t think it was a waste of time in any way (mostly at least heh.) and i was ranked like 41st out of 93 speakers, and the only JC person ranked above me is a J2 guy at 40th with 0.5 more points than me NJC team B ranked 18th out of 32, which i guess is rather decent considering how we beat some uni teams heh

watched our coach who got into semis (and eventually won finals AND best speaker for finals) then went off to prepare for LS, presentation tmrw and i doubt i can sleep before midnight today oh goodness.

when my work looms and looks like it’s never, ever going to end, and when i come home and get all that crap from my mum with the endless quarrels, i just try very hard to remember what i’m living for and how this past weekend, although busy and highly time & sleep consuming, has been worth it. not every second of the way sadly, but definitely on the whole (:

it’s tempting to give up on my mum, because i came home today trying to make things better but sadly that effort fell quite flat.

i thought i was getting jaded, but then again maybe not, because i’m rediscovering the love for God, life & debates that i come so close to losing from time to time. hopefully i’ve found it just in time for debate nationals in just over a fortnight’s time.

grr my bluetooth isn’t working ): work + homework time, then i guess !

(i can’t believe there’s school tomorrow. i have not felt a SINGLE bit like it was the weekend at all.)

but i’m not tired, i’m not tired.

my friendly teammate called me up past midnight, which is really strange although he says i’m not human and hence i don’t sleep. which would explain at 720am call about whether we needed to wear our red ties. i should have said yes because i was deprived of a precious 10 more minutes of sleep. heh.

mrt rides are long, the economist is my companion, the iPod is my best friend.

3 rounds, lost 2 against SMU & NTU respectively (although one was unjustified; not that we shouldn’t have lost, because i’m not a sore loser, but the adjudicator was REALLY BAD and didn’t seem to know what he was talking about. couldn’t even speak properly! WTH lah. and he’s from NUS, zomg.) but won 1 against TJC. so i guess it’s not that bad.

NJC B all the way i love my team we have so much fun with all the random talk and being mean to each other and madhura and i are the new GLAM ankit, as our third, is like, the odd one out and hence unglam. he’s also male, so whenever madhura and i disappear into the toilet he loses out the whole convo. HAHAHA.

so yes, much fun, VERY MUCH learning, no killer motions – thank God, really.

one last round tomorrow and i doubt either team will break since both NJC teams have only 1 out of 3 wins. i hope we both win the last round tomorrow though (:

grabbed macs dinner (i hate fastfood. i’m thoroughly sick of transfat and artificial flavouring and all that crap.) then went to arthi’s house with denise to meet sherlene and prepare our leadership symposium presentation, due next week.

ate KFC at arthi’s houuse, more fastfood. it’s like, nice but yeah, when you’re done with it you just feel awful. i have a love-hate relationship with food. i wish i had a small appetite URGH. or the power to resist temptation AHAHAH.

okay i should really get some sleep the bus ride home made me tired. talked on my handphone again (phone bill’s gonna bust at this rate) until it ran out of batt, and read TIME for the rest of the way. i doubt i’m going to work this hard for GP.

nationals are in a few weeks, so i guess the keyword now is to seize the day.

for now, i’ll seize the night for sleeping and do my homework tomorrow instead.
(photos to be uploaded tmrw )

i’ll be there when the storm is through,.

NEWSFLASH: NJC IP HAS MADE IT TO THE QUARTER FINALS FOR THE NATIONAL SECONDARY SCHOOL DEBATING CHAMPIONSHIPS

so it doesn’t matter that we lost unanimously to MGS tonight, juniors made it to quarters, and as seniors we’re happy for them achieving something we IP3s came close to, but never managed.

CONGRATS, cause we’re really proud of you guys for making it thus far (:

-

i conked out at 11 last night whilst doing my history essay outline. i think essay outlines are useful. i should start doing essay outlines for my overdue essays too.

tonight, instead of homework, i’m struggling to gain more general knowledge in preparation for tomorrow’s competition that i’m sorely inadequate in terms of content. gross.

i think this is what J1 life is supposed to be like. the work never stops coming, but when you have a hundred things due at one time, you realize that you can’t handle it all, so you drop it until you can handle it.

explains how i’m no longer as stressed as i was earlier in the week. i realize morning bus rides are a good time to finish overdue/undone homework

slept enough to stay awake (mostly) in lessons today. i need sleep, eyebags are gross. malay today was fun but i’m not learning much sigh. i think it’s lack of practice even though i’m practically surrounded by oppurtunities to speak since my parents are both fluent in malay and can’t speak chinese. i’m exactly the opposite, which i find ironic.

i’m eating too much fast food. BK and MOS and donuts and everything bad. although i’m 50kg by the spoilt weighing scale at the grandstand HAHAHA, made my day man LOL.

i’m annexing the economist for tomorrow; i can’t remember being so motivated for my studies in the past week. perhaps i’ve just been tired.

i don’t have high (or any) hopes for tomorrow, so i’m not nervous that i’ll screw up. but general knowledge will just ensure i don’t make a total, complete full of myself. HA.

-

i suddenly remember last year’s JGs. we lost the 3rd round too, and i just felt entirely deflated. i escaped; i couldn’t take it anymore. i didn’t run very far, just took a bus down to newton from ACS(B) where the debate was held. i’m still grateful to da friend for listening, for being there and rushing down from NJ and keeping me sane. we didn’t make it in the end to quarters, and that was a really low point.

the only good thing about low points is that you can only go up;
the best part about low expectations is that after that, even the smallest things seem exhilarating.

-

storm’s over for this time. thanks for the listening ear. (:

‘cos i’ve got your back, and you’ve got mine.

today was not bad. other than alternating between walking like a duck and a penguin because my thighs are just this aching concrete clump.

i feel an awful much better; maybe it’s best not to expect too much, then everything suddenly becomes quite good haha.

i attended assembly today for the first time in ages. walked in with sam and the sky was gorgeous. lessons were pretty fine too, i think math is the only thing that really pains my existence. i realized i was stressing myself over history when i didn’t need to that much.

PW was innovative haha. then ran around the school stoning after that. i like it when it drizzles.

debates was fun and pretty much made my day. i’m learning to have more faith in myself, like in general, not just debates.

i feel like having a warm subway cookie, glazed donuts and B&J/haato ice cream to top it off.

my new resolution is to sleep by midnight, so i can actually start attending assembly before i accumulate a stupid CWO. =x

back to homework! at the rate that i’m writing (or supposed to be, at least) essays my many pens will all run out of ink soon ):

the sweet escape.

i would love to escape;

warning, emo post up ahead.

(i’ll) try my hardest not to scream.

today, i will finish my history essay and presentation and sleep before midnight so i won’t be late tomorrow.

(i haven’t attended assembly in ages.)

i’ve not been having enough sleep, but i sure have been having enough days of “screw the calories” and it’s quite enough because all those calories are starting to materialize as fat =/ it doesn’t help that lunch was fast food and dinner’s gonna be glazed donuts (which i’ve been craving) with a thick layer of melted sugar. mmhmm it’s next to me now, bought it on the way home and i can smell the goodness. it’s probably worth every single calorie it is. half a dozen donuts, half an hour of more of pleasure, and another hour of running in the near future to burn it off. HAHA.

both lavania and i overslept today, so we met up on the way to school and nearly met many teachers on our way to lit lect. LIT MADE ME HAPPY, i don’t know why. it all sounds very interesting although copying down everything at rapid rate was really painful for my hands, and i could barely keep up even though i’ve already finished reading the abridged version of the book. but mr whitby makes it sound extremely interesting, so maybe i’ll start on the unabridged version soon like i should.

math was depressing, made me want to cry as usual. i hate that classroom and it’s getting harder and harder not to hate math, too.

lunch outside at wheelock’s BK with minying was fun (: i never get to see her anymore, unlike back in class where she was my deskmate. that seems so, so long ago i can barely remember. just like how peter pan can’t ever remember anything, i’m losing my head too. i just finished reading the entirely unabridged version of peter pan yesterday, and it was a good read although not entirely interesting. heh. fairytale condensed version pwns, especially w.r.t. illustrations.

came back to school, i could barely walk by then my thighs were aching quite badly and my left knee hurts although after CIP it was worse, probably because i danced during CIP. heh. i love my tap shoes and the sound they make (: dancing is dreaming with your feet for me, and my feet are pretty restless. ahwell.

okay. back to work. i think i’m finally over the whole love/hate relationship i was going through with the guitar for angsty reasons. which is definitely good (:

yeah, you’ll bleed just to know you’re alive.

something went wrong, somewhere.
but i can’t put a finger down on what went wrong, and i sure don’t know where.

i feel like i’m trapped in the masses, alone in the world and invisible to everyone

i guess the good times were never meant to last.
today my body finally showed signs of giving out from the callous way i’ve been treating it. besides extreme fatigue, my ankle hurts from a near-sprain doing double pirouettes in tap dance class on saturday when i can’t even manage single pirouettes int he first place, now my left knee hurts and my knees generally feel weak from standing broad jump + 2.4km run today.

i can’t jump more than 1.8m for my SBJ, it’s worrying because i easily managed it last year. i can’t do my inclines still, no surprise there. i don’t know anyone who is my height, not in a sports cca, and can even do one incline. i think long arms + long body = not good for incline. ):

running during PE today was probably the best part of my horrible day. i changed GP class and changed PE class, i’m not sure if it’s for the better, especially for GP. my timing for 2.4km was a very disgusting 14 minutes and 34 seconds. considering how i’m still 16, i’m just 14 seconds away from my A. but considering i ran 13+ minutes just a month back, my only consolation is that i haven’t run in the past fortnight. and napfa’s just 2 weeks away !! although i don’t know why i bother getting an A for running other than it’s a tangible outcome for my love for running, because i’m going to, for the 3rd or 4th year running, fail my napfa cause of incline anyway. BAH.

oh whatever, i feel like going running again but i doubt it’s advisable, especially since running just now was definitely putting a strain on my body already, and that was the part that just made me wanna give up. gross lah.

i’m gonna grow fat and live a few steps away from reality, maybe i’d be happier then. and be an unbecoming songwriter. i completed my first full song last night, it’s called because of you (i cry at night) and it’s absolutely emo/romantic and all that whatnot. i’ve 2 other songs where the lyrics are out but the tune’s only half way there. it’s like how i used to write poetry fervently, but i think i’m writing very good quality stuff now as compared to cheesy cliched stuff before.

i feel suffocated by homework. then again, who doesn’t? it was an awful return to school today, and tomorrow looks worse.

cause i cannot stand still; i can be this unsturdy.

in chronological order, today was:

-lavania calling me up just before i had breakfast to tell me she was in the area, so after a hasty meal i met her and zestin downstairs and headed to school.

-seeing nush in school to have her tell me that i smelt nice (for once) because i overdosed on conditioner haha.

-heading alone to watch MTV boybands and such, bobbing to backstreet boys and the like, realizing that my childhood memory doesn’t include britney spears’ first few singles, but include the spice girls’ wannabe very fondly. i love music, MTVs rock, and although it meant having to wake up early today it was worth it, especially to note the commentary made by the teacher screening the vids.

-spooning down lunch because i was lazy to eat but i was hungry. andrew returned my GC so i have no excuse not to finish my trigo tutorial now ): audrey came during her break and we talked for a while.

-music junkie sending me the song he tried (and failed) to send to me after 6 attempts last night, i’m not addicted to it yet though

-furiously scribbling to try and finish my econs essay, and realizing it was doomed to failure sadly ): but i finished it in the end. YES, finally!

-heading to great expectations with lavania, finding an overload of food and regretting the fact that i had lunch because the food binge of lay’s and other chips and snacks and everything full of calories and unhealthy was actually really enjoyable. the more i ate the hungrier i got! with food around, i become very very sociable with the barter trading and sharing and hoarding of food

-lavania and the dudes behind didn’t really understand what’s going on, having not read the book, so i had to explain and surprisingly i remembered most of the story despite only reading it once. (okay technically i’ve read it twice, but the first time i was 8 or 9 and i can’t even remember reading it!)

-ahh FOOD. nice people like our neighbours share, horrible people like lavania don’t and insist i’m being a pig. (which is actually true. heh.)

-left before the last episode ended because of debates training. topic was on iraq war, gah i need to read up.

-suddenly started raining, so from most of the day being warm i ended up wrapping myself in my sweater. i was hungry again so i ate up chocolate on the bus ride back. omg i love chocolate.

so my day on the whole? random and (yet) enjoyable. (i love food.)
back to the work now ): i can’t stand it that school starts again tomorrow, enrichment week has never been more loved than now.

and i’m really happy, i was clearing out my hard disk yesterday and found some song that i recorded on my phone and transferred to my laptop ages ago, and the riff just hooked me so i edited it abit and turned it into half of a proper song. when inspiration strikes i’ll finish it. aspiring song writer strikes out again, watch out!

just because we use cheats doesn’t mean we’re not smart.

i can only blame myself if my body decides to die on me, after i slept at 5am this morning and woke up somewhere after 4. after nearly 12 hours of sleep, i still want more.

i stayed up to finish overdue work, as expected, then decided to pick up my dusty guitar and try playing “anyone else but you”, which i eventually recorded into garageband after messing around. it’s quite cool, i recorded me on the guitar first, then my voice for half the verses and then my voice for the other alternate verses. the product sounds quite cool too.

maybe i should go back to writing my own songs and i might actually be able to find the tune to fit the song.

i’m too tired to run, but my legs are really, really getting flabbier after a fortnight of inactivity. i feel like a pig. ):

i realized this morning that it was Easter and i’ve done nothing to celebrate it. maybe i really should start going to church.

procrastination time over, i’m swamped with work that i really should go finish.

on a side note, i feel like going on a foodbinge of donuts, icecream, timtams, chocolate + a random whim to have murtabak and prata. just thinking about it makes me hungry! ): fried mars bars + glazed donuts would = death by sugar overload, thankfully they have neither at vivo or i might just run over and kill myself with food. haha. bingebingebinge oh dear.