this is the way that we love — like it’s forever.

today was a really long day.

couldn’t get to sleep till really late, but crawled out this morning anyway to go for dance class, which was pretty fun. i’m looking forward to our year-end recital ! TODAY WAS GOOD because i managed to do a perfect pirouette, and unwittingly tried a double and it wasn’t perfect but it was a good start. blisters on my feet hurt like mad though.

lunch was subway then math va meeting was canceled so my afternoon was suddenly free and i decided to go check out cotton on, and ended up buying 2 pairs of shorts and a pair of flipflops that are really really nice and i spent like a total of 25 bucks cos like the shorts were 10 bucks each. ii love cotton on man.

went off for youth, met nush and i dunno, today i think i was just really unfocused. the sermon was something about why you should follow the rules. it all made very logical sense, but yet i was still questioning, rationalizing, analyzing. i’m not sure if i’m doubting or just going through a tough time. where it’s just so hard to trust and i feel so far away from God. it’s no wonder why i’m just feeling so frustrated. the worst part is that i’m not very sure what’s wrong either, and i’m just… stuck in the middle. like, i’m grateful to God and all for everything that’s been given, but i’m selfishly wanting more. and i know it’s selfish, but not getting it… i guess i’m just like some spoilt brat who’s having a fit cos she didn’t get what she want. but that’s not really it either. because i was willing to accept all of this before. i don’t know what’s changed now

rushed off after youth to get home, change and head out to ACJC for Restless V which was really really good !

ESTHER I’M REALLY PROUD OF YOU !

(i am so going for restless VI next year.)

the ACJC home crowd is amazing, they cheer so so much. not as in, cheering with words but just whoops and calls. and yeah, they’re super enthu. and super noisy but not in an irritating manner, like they still have concert etiquette and all, they’re just very.. passionate. so are the dancers. the joy of being on stage is just brimming for them, it’s so amazing.

got me thinking-

i had a pang of regret when i walked in to ACJC – it felt like a second home even though i’ve been there less than half a dozen times. but what really hit me after the performance was… that my biggest regret in life isn’t applying to NJ (because i would have been contented in staying in STC then heading to my dream schools, ACSIB or ACJC) but that i gave up ballet.

the best dancer is not the one who enjoys it the most, or the one who can do the most difficult steps, but the one who can do any step and make it look easy, can do any step effortlessly, and most of all, stir up the passion in you to want to emulate her. there was one AC dancer who was in nearly every single performance – she was a ballerina, i learnt later she’d been dancing for 11 years and she was just amazing.

i’ve been dancing for 12 or 13 years i’m not quite sure, out of which 11 were spent tap dancing. if i had stayed on in ballet, that would be 12 or 13 years of ballet.

but i doubt i’d have ever been one of the best dancers. somehow, i just lack that gentleness. i didn’t even manage gymnastics for more than a term. so much for aiming for the Olympics as i used to.

i’ve always been tall, so everyone primed me for netball, my primary school’s niche, and encouraged me into ballet and gymnastics. but i’ve always been terribly intent on getting what i want, and i was never really interested in dedicating my entire life to training, be it for netball or for ballet or gymnastics. maybe someone should have forced me for a longer time. maybe it wasn’t so good to be so good at shrugging anything off, anything at all.

no one thought of putting me in chinese dance, or track. with chinese dance fusing the core values of dance that i go through in tap, as well as elements of ballet, somehow i don’t think i’d have minded it so much. and i’ve realized that tall, skinny dancers have the graceful look even without much effort, and i’ve realized that it looks so good. no wonder they tried to stop me from quitting ballet and gymnastics. i think they figured i’d grow to be tall. and not fat. even though i was a chubby kid. and after discovering my love for running last year, suddenly this year i wondered why no one ever thought of putting me in track. my parents say that as a kid i hated running. somehow i think this is true — i remember doing terribly for 1.6km runs.

debates was the only thing that no one ever suggested to me, and the one thing i’ve always wanted to do. i guess good debaters don’t have any physical characteristics you can identify them by. but i love it still. (:

emo notes aside, i really need to start packing for SMUN.

true.

“This next song i’m gonna sing is called true. And this is my song, my love song.
It’s about those times kinda at the beginning stages of the relationship where you don’t really know what’s gonna happen, so you’re kinda nervous like “does she likes me? does she not like me?” So, i was kinda at that stage where you don’t know and it like kills you, but it’s kinda like the fun part too.
…but you don’t know that till after all the pain.

This song’s called true.” (Ryan Cabrera, a preamble to his acoustic set of “True”)

I won’t talk, I won’t breathe; I won’t move till you finally see that you belong with me
You might think I don’t look, but deep inside in the corner of my mind, I’m attached to you
I’m weak, its true -cause I’m afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too? cause my heart keeps falling faster

I’ve waited all my life, to cross this line -to the only thing that’s true
So I will not hide, its time to try – anything to be with you
All my life I’ve waited -This is true

You don’t know what you do; everytime you walk into the room, I’m afraid to move
I’m weak, Its true -Im just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too? Do you even know you met me?

I know when I go i’ll be on my way to you – The way that’s true.

sometimes there are things that words alone aren’t able to express, and sometimes lyrics manage to encompass some of that feeling. i should be sleeping, but i… just can’t.

i thought you were so strong we’d make it through whatever.

the last 24 hours have been tumultuous.

i should really start preparing for SMUN by reading up alot alot alot more now that i don’t have the economists for teammates, and maybe by packing up my clothes for it. except that everything’s just so bloody ugly, i can’t stand it.

either it’s too big and hangs off me, making me look like a scarecrow. or it’s tight in all the wrong places, so i look fat and out of shape. generally like a potato sack.

i wonder if i’m really fat, or if i was just wearing the wrong clothes all along. the weighing scale told a lie this morning, it said i was 50kg, exactly. i weighed myself thrice to the same effect. but last night i was trying clothes and i looked just awful in everything.

my tailored jeans are a little off too. cow. it’s so frustrating. i just look so so bad in everything, and it’s like i know i’m not some skinny model who’s supposed to look good in everything but i’m not some fat, unshapely sack! i hate my clothes. i don’t have enough.

ITS SO FRUSTRATING. i don’t have the time to go buy new clothes and all, and i doubt i’d be allowed to either. apparently i’m materialistic for wanting to not look fat, ‘cept that unless i can convince myself that i’m not fat i’m going to have eating problems. ZOMFG.

i’ve been swearing my head off and – oh screw. i won’t be surprised if i go on another mad rampage.

coming home just pisses me off. as always, still does.

spent the day out with estella and it went really well/fun/happy and whatnot sat at harbourfront’s foodcourt and finished like, 2 tutorials of history. i’m finally on to tutorial 4!! i can’t believe why i’m so happy about being mediocre and slow and taking forever to finish my 10 tutorials but i still feel quite acheived

my cough’s going away i think, along with my flu! it better just completely go away, I NEED TO RUN i’m becoming so flabby omg. ):

i’m not sure what’s wrong either but suddenly everything seems to be going wrong and going down. time’s been just zooming past. weekend’s here…. yay? i’m not even sure about what i’m supposed to do. bah.

and i’m still waiting. i’m not sure for what, either.

as time goes by.

i wasted alot of money today ):

went out with fer today, with the original plan being to go to sentosa but we were spooked by the grey clouds and weather forecast !! and in the end it didn’t rain till like 5 ): but when it did rain it was really pouring, and considering how we’re both still recovering from the flu it’s quite good we weren’t caught in that.

i managed to study 1 and 1/2 tutorials for history today. that would actually be an achievement ‘cept it’s the same 2 chapters i studied last week !! ): but i did math too so like, it doesn’t really count as helplessly slow. i finished another topic for math! it would be something i could totally be very happy about, except that these are like… the only 2 topics i understand for math. the rest i’m just… clueless. like the sequences and series chapter? i nearly tore my hair out just trying to do that. (and i didn’t suceed either.)

JC math is a really really big leap from IP math ):

anyway so we went to cofeebean at vivo instead, and it’s really conducive to study there. like big tables and comfy chairs and all. i didn’t really get distracted either, i was just… really slow. i’m scared i won’t be able to finish reading everything ): i’m going to slack less next term, or i’m DEAD (literally) for promos. but anyway we spent like a total of 15 bucks on stuff that was overpriced, not worth it in terms of quantity, and tasted awful.

pasta was overpriced, but at least it was nice. coffee was really expensive for the tiny cup. like 4 bucks and it was tinier than the cups of water we took to get the awful taste away. URGH. then we tried the mud pie and it tasted…. rubbery. ew ew ew never going to coffeebean again, service there sucks too! ): yucks. starbucks anytime. it’s the same price for alot better stuff. and the ambience is nicer ‘cept the tables are TINY, which is not so good for studying.

ah but at least i actually managed to get something done, even though i’m so slow.

dinner was kfc. cheaper than cofeebean by alot and so much nicer. i can’t believe i’m actually praising fast food. and omg i’ve been eating so much i totally deserve it if i turn into a fat pig.

my weighing scale must be spoilt because it’s showing me as the lightest i’ve been this year at under 51kg. i think it’s like 50.5kg. maybe being sick does have its benefits. maybe i’ll finally finally manage to go under 50 kg

i think i might be weird. hm. i obsess alot over my weight but then again which girl doesn’t! :/ but i actually enjoyed studying today. maybe it was cos i missed fer alot and i was so glad to hang out with her heh. but math was tough. yuck yuck. history’s actually intriguing to read, i kid you not. as much as i’m slow and all, and how i might fail history because i have a hopeless memory, i actually enjoy the whole reading part about the subject. ditto for lit.

i used to enjoy math. i used to love love love love doing differentiation. i’m not sure what happened. :/

but today was good. i think i’m finally learning how to make the right choices. and the whole listen to the people around you thing. i’ve ignored the warnings often enough, just about time for me to heed them now. listening comes in handy, and i think i’m learning that, well.

clarity is good. and i think i got it right, this time.

while she wishes she was a dancer, & that she’d never heard of cancer

grit.

i think i’ve got lots of it, but i’ll need more if i’m gonna finish the remaining 10 chapters for math. i can barely do differentiation and i wonder if something’s knocked the sense out of my brains.

i need to get well so i can go running again. i’m eating too much, growing fat and flabby even though the weighhing scale reflects a loss in weight, not gain.

i miss dancing, and one week later i’m still as sick as ever. okay i feel better and generally can survive, but the cough just isn’t going away and that sucks. the weather was perfect for a run today, but it’s hard to run when you have phlegm constricting your chest. the same phlegm i was trying to cough out, and in the process, nearly puked out my breakfast too.

not a nice feeling. i wish the medicine would take effect faster, omg.

today was good.

GP lecture was actually educational, hung out with nush after that and did math to much failure, went out with estella after that eventually ended up at popular/harris at suntec and bought over 20 bucks worth of stuff. 20% off storewide meant that the 20plus bucks covered 12 highlighters so i no longer have an excuse NOT to study history, 4 uniball signo pens to encourage me to write more, and a 8pen set collection of 0.38 pens i’m gonna use for lit annotations.

went back to school for SMUN. i’ve officially given up hope of being awarded the best delegate, and maybe even being shortlisted for it is asking for too much. and i know there’s a negative chance that my school’s gonna be awarded any awards as a delegation. i also miss debating, very much ): i think i prefer the debates floor to the SMUN floor — the former requires less examples, and more logic

being sick sucks though, it deprives you of one of the basic enjoyments in life, mainly that of enjoying an ice cream with your friends. i was tempted today, not once but twice, and i nearly said “oh heck it i’ll just have it!” when, before i could respond, i broke into a fit of coughs again and realized i should stop playing around with my health.

i finished GP VA last night feel extremely achieved. rest of the week looks better than i thought it would too.

I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY NEED TO GET WELL. and maybe get a math tutor too. ):

i love david cook — innocent and billie jean were, once again, resounding in my head today.

she was more like a beauty queen, from a movie scene.

nothing much changes; i’m still madly in love with david cook, and i’m still just as sick as ever.

although i think i like david cook just that little bit more after listening to billie jean & innocent (my all time favourite that he does justice to) & even hello. <3

i’m also feeling better; woke up this morning with my head spinning despite over 10 hours of sleep, but i dragged myself out of the house and studied with estella at macs the whole day and 6 hours later, the headache was almost gone entirely, and i completed 1 GP compre, 1 GP essay and 1 topic for math. 1 topic out of 11, for 1 out of 4 subjects.

this is why comparative analysis is bad. by itself i feel very achieved today for being so focused and driven and actually managing to do math, undeniably my current weakest subject. (oh the irony, for someone who was aiming for A+ in math just over half a year ago.) i’m very happy (:

and i think the medicine’s starting to take abit of effect. today’s probably the best i’ve felt the past week. i’ve been sick for a week, come to think of it. what a gross thought.

still very tired; but i need to finish GP VA and get one thing out of my mind. tomorrow looks good; stationary shopping and picking up my tailored jeans and maybe more shopping. and maybe i’ll feel up to eating chocolate too

oh and i trie the mcgriddles thing today. it’s really filling but it’s not bad. it’s essentially a sausage mcmuffin ‘cept the bread at the top is like, the pancakes with honey syrup thing mixed in it instead. i still go for the mcmuffin. i can’t taste the difference between an espresso and normal coffee — it all tastes the same to me! :/

my aunt came over just now and saved my life ! i now have a blazer for SMUN, in addition to 2 lengthy skirts i’ll somehow manage to shorten, and a possible dress for the formal evening dinner thing as well ! i am so infinitely grateful. (:

turn your face away, from the garish light of day.

so… today i spent the day out & about, instead of staying home to sleep and get well. the result? i’m still sick, with a blocked nose and a chesty cough, and a headache. i think this means i should sleep early tonight.

but it’s okay, because i had a fabulous day today spending my time out around town with fer! suffered through 2 hours of history whilst my nose decided to unblock itself, and when i finally blew out all the gross stuff, my cough started again. ):

then went down to peninsular to meet fer, somehow with the prospect of going out i didn’t feel so sick haha. then after sending our jeans in to be tailored to become skinny jeans we went down to far east for lunch, then shopped arouund far east. i’m quite happy i bought a pair of earrings (someone once asked me if i’m a bags or a shoes kinda person. i think i’m a earrings kinda person. after all, i have a total of 8 ear piercings to fill) and 2 new belts (one in striking orange and another in earth brown) and then later on fer and i walked to wisma and shared the cost for a nice formal looking top. QUITE COOL I FEEL VERY ACHIEVED. and i didn’t even spend all that much ahah.

headed home, had a super big dinner. after today, i conclude that i’m growing fat, and i need to stop eating (despite being sick and having trouble eating, snacks have still managed to find their way to me) and start getting well so i can like, go running and stop being so fat. ):

i am going to sleep early tonight, i am so tired zomg and i haven’t even taken the medicine that’s supposed to make me drowsy! sudoku pwns, btw.

I NEED TO START STUDYING I REALIZE I KNOW VERY LITTLE ABOUT THE 15 TOPICS I’M SUPPOSED TO STUDY FOR HISTORY. AND THAT’S JUST 1/4 OF THE SUBJECTS I TAKE. OMG OMG OMG. ):

we are, we are all innocent.

I LOVE DAVID COOK.

like, i officially am completely in love with this guy after reading his biography on wikipedia and realizing that… he sang innocent by our lady peace for one of the rounds. OMGOSH HE SO ROCKS. i can’t believe it really.

his parents divorced during his childhood but he survived it, he loves playing the guitar, and he did theatre studies for a while, not to mention tons of musicals AND he set up his own band AND he released his own album independently.

he’s everything i’ve ever wanted to be. (minus the part where he was a baseball player. i’d rather be a tracker or a netballer or a basketballer or a swimmer.)

BUT LIKE OMGOSH, INSPIRATIONAL JOURNEY YO.

okay and the above was the highlight of my day. i spent the day at home, sick and bored to death. occasionally coughing out ugly globs of greenish yellow phlegm. ): my flu’s almost gone though but my cough’s getting worse; it’s a chesty cough of sorts ):

i wanted to go out because i was so bored at home, then i found out SMUN deadlines for position papers were tonight so i just stayed home and worked my butt off. i need a living encyclopedia to explain the very confusing situation in israel-palestine. i can write about it but i’m just buzzing with questions omg!

i am getting well. good. now i can properly enjoy my holidays. ‘cept that most of the people i wanna spend time with are busy with cca/h3/pre-u sem. :/

if you’re determined to leave, well, i will not stand in your way.

today was really trying. (but on another level, it was very enjoyable too, and i learnt alot, and i had fun, and although the rest of this post sounds super moody i’m actually in a quite good mood.)

well, i didn’t just have to battle with the germs in my body and lose pathetically, but i had to battle the demons in my head too.

i’m still sick, my cough is accelerated into wheezing with lots of phlegm, my nose is almost permanently blocked and i can’t hear properly half the time either.

yet today, i did more talking that i normally do. (and i actually managed to make sense, through all the germs flying about giving me headaches and leaving me blank sometimes) i think i understand what’s going on at MUN, and it’s all very exciting. i think i’m all talk without content though, sadly, and maybe this time i won’t be able to smoke it through.

all the style in the world can’t get you anywhere without content, but when the people who critique you do it with no style, they don’t have much credibility either. i think this is not a win-win situation.

which means i should try to read up, really.

i think i’m managing the whole “i will be a better person” thing, to judge people less and to respect people more, the whole diplomacy thing, i’m actually getting the hang of it, and it’s not that bad – there are things to be learnt and i’m learning them well. (:

i ended up quarreling with dad, again, after a perfectly peaceful dinner. i don’t know why it always ends up like that. i guess to him i’m just a materialistic kid who always wants too much, when it really isn’t true because i try to hard to stay practical and grounded, but he just doesn’t see that.

maybe he will, one day.

i guess i’ll just keep trying. for just… everything that doesn’t seem to be working out. i’ve figured that if you hold out long enough it’s worth it in the end.

and i’m… just so tired. i’m so glad school’s out, i really need the break away from everything. and i better get well soon too, or i’ll never get to go out because i’m too sick to move.

the work never ends.

we were as one baby; for a moment in time.

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL.

say it with me man, JUNE HOLIDAYS ARE FINALLY, FINALLY HERE.

(and i spend the first few hours being… sick. how timely. and i’ll spend the next few days on GP VA, SMUN position papers and planning my revision timetable even though with the cancellation of CTs, i don’t forsee myself having a breakdown soon.)

i slept from like, 6pm till 10pm – 4 hours straight and my flu’s only a little bit better. i woke up and coughed heartily. okay not exactly in a good way, you can here the wheezing.

i should really go see the doctor since self-medication has been effective only to such a small extent. now, the real trick is to find time to go! haha.

today was fabulous, i tried being nice and it wasn’t that hard! school was tolerable except for the fact that i couldn’t breathe (properly) half the time from my nose being so blocked up, and running to the toilet after every lesson to blow my nose out wasn’t the most pleasurable thing on earth either.

i feel like puking out all the phlegm right now, if that was possible i think i would. ):

i really really really hope i get well soon, i hate being sick! especially because it deprives you of eating privileges (no chocolate and all) and it basically hurts to eat and sucks to be me right now. i’ve been sleeping so so so much and it’s still not enough, omg. talk about retribution for all the late nights i’ve been keeping up this year, i think my body just couldn’t take it anymore.

i decided not to try and kill myself and go for dance tomorrow in between my jam packed schedule.

barrumphs. GOODNIGHT(:

yesterday turned out for the better, anyway. i sacrificed my sleep to clear up my room to make it a more conducive study environment, and filed up every subject in separate files cos the one file was bursting with all the notes, and i’m prepared to start studying hard and catch up. i also went through IP1/2 stuff and threw almost EVERYTHING away, stacks was a few kg i should have sold it instead for the karang guni. got rid of alot of chemistry, i only kept one periodic table and one paper (the only one i ever passed!), physics and bio were better, i kept quite a few papers that i managed an A for (somehjow), for math i had some tutorials to keep that had an A in addition to the As & A+ exam/test papers, and for MI i just kept the whole file.

ahh life used to be alot simpler. and i just threw it all away. (literally and figuratively.) i’m really happy though my room looks so gorgeous now. maybe i’ll actually use it and not let the table collect dust again !