somewhere we live, inside.

this is me:

-tired
-much homework.
-promos seem to be coming very soon.
-stressed.
-sleepy and can barely stay awake without coffee.
-”annoyed” is my new pet word
-tough choices, very painful.

stayed over at grace’s house, got my belated birthday present, this awesomely big and cute and cuddly dog soft toy that we spent some time cooing over last night. it hasn’t been named yet, because we couldn’t agree on one. HAHA.

last debates training today, at least till after promos. it was bittersweet; we said goodbye to our second coach of the year. i haven’t ever had a coach that really lasted, because i’ve never been in a school that could afford it. although i can’t see why NJ debate doesn’t get more funds :/ sigh.

tomorrow’s friday !! whoopeee !! then the weekend. i do not forsee more sleep, actually. but i guess i will get just a bitty bit more :/

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31 (New International Version)

I’ll tell you one thing, it’s always better when we’re together

i started off my day well, and ended my day off even better.

school was boring. i ran off to town to meet mich, escaped from PE (and i DO NOT wish to practise for incline pull ups because it ain’t gonna work) and the bus didn’t take forever to come! went to cine to take neoprints (ZOMG DECORATING WAS LAMO BUT FUN), then wisma (topshop’s having a closing down sale! sadly the nicer things are like… size 14. no thanks.) and took the MRT down to raffles, went around there, then to suntec, and to citilink to meet dmzxz, then dinner at gelare with wafffffflessssssss and dessert of cake at changing appetites in marina.

being stuck in between the indecisive michelle and the equally indecisive dmzxz forced me to be decisive, but because i failed to be firm we ended up walking aimlessly abit. i think we were hungry enough to force ourselves to make a decision in the end.

as i sat there in gelare wolfing down a waffle, and later on in changing appetites slowly enjoying variations of cheesecake, i suddenly just felt very contented. like, perhaps some of those tears might be worth it for these moments. two unrelated people who individually manage to make me a very happy being on this planet, even though it comes at the cost of harmless suaning. today … it was double joy, without any worry.

“Everytime i see your face, Everytime you look my way, It’s like it all falls into place –
Everything feels right“

i wasn’t fine yesterday, and even if watching bridging minds (which was HILARIOUS!) didn’t cheer me up, today made sure that i was back into a very happy, blissful girl i feel good now

tmrw i’m gonna stay over at grace’s house! hopefully we finish the footsteps to freedom thing. quote of the day from dmzxz after i told him my plans: “don’t you EVER study?”
well, i do study. just that i haven’t been doing it much lately. i will start, soon.

MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA IS A VERY, VERY GOOD BOOK. (i am slightly alarmed that i cannot remember who i watched the movie with!)

the wind in her hair reflects the sunset i see.

EVERYONE WATCH ARTS CENTRAL TONIGHT, 10PM. THERE’S A SHOW CALLED BRIDGING MINDS AND IT HAS ME IN IT. WHOOHOO

-

i’m not sure where to begin, or what to say. my mind’s in a whirl.

i painted yellows and reds today for solaris, for NDC. painting is therapeutic, when it doesn’t remind me of my shitty EoM.

today was many revelations.

i got into debate exco!! IP head, which essentially means i get to terrorize a bunch of sec sch kids. muahaha. i’ve never been so nervous, or hung up on something.
my heart was pounding so hard i thought i’d die.

the rest of my week, as i carefully planned out this morning, looks packed, but in a good way.

on a side note, i realized that at the end of the day, the people who will listen to you in your time of need, or notice that there’s something wrong, and know what is that something wrong, are few and far between. but these are the ones you can cry to, who will cheer you up.

i’m glad i have friends like that, and even though i’m not so sure what i’m living for anymore, i’m glad that i have friends who are there for me, like nush, grace & madhura. i’m thankful <3

when you’re dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part.

i do not want to go back to school tomorrow;
i can’t believe it’s monday SO FAST!

spent the day wth carl’s junior where it was rather noisy but i managed to do some work. so dead, so dead, so dead for next week.

i finished one entire burger at carl’s junior!!!!!!!!!!!!! plus the full meal too. man i amaze myself sometimes. studied for a while with just kang-an then suzy came and we started just talking rubbish about B**. omg hilarious i haven’t laughed so much in quite a while.

then met mum at vivo, went shopping!!! dinner at secret recipie which was scrumptious. lasagne and cake and a cuppachino that’s keeping me awake right now. and then mum was in a good mood and bought me some stuff ahah. yay i still can’t find skinny jeans; i think i’m destined to have to tailor jeans to fit me.

today was a fabulous sunday, i managed to get enough sleep even though my eyes were somehow swollen for a while this morning ):

i’m excited about how i’m going to be on arts central tmrw at 10pm for bridging minds!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE GO WATCH, IT IS HILARIOUS TRUST ME. HAHAH.

i forgot all the rubbish i did, now’s the time for me to watch it again whoohoo. i’m also abit nervous, and not just about seeing myself being nationally mortified. HAHA.

reds against the hues of blues.

ISL meeting this morning made me wonder why a year has passed so fast. There’s almost a sense of déjà vu of sorts. Except that so much in between has changed. Dance class after that made me a happy girl (: I can twirl, I can jump, I can be myself and all spirited and it’s okay. PW after that at saniah’s house was hilarious; toby and joey are very cute and cuddly kitties, we tried playing guitar hero and it didn’t really work out. HAHAH.

I fell asleep in the car, and promptly got scolded by dad for not sleeping enough. so i’m unoffically grounded. it’s unofficial because my dad’s not around to enforce it, and i can’t be grounded because i have too many things to do.

i’m so stoned i’m spouting rubbish and i can’t even speak clearly.
my head’s swirling with thoughts and everything i need to sort out, soon.
but not now,

goodnight, world. i surrender to fatigue.

why i dare to dream, or why i love, or why i sing.

temasek seminar today was quite interesting.

i never perceived defense to be so important. visit to the SAF museum was aaaaamaaaaazing too. the video we watched with live effects was one of the best videos i’ve ever seen, and i never want to be caught in gunfire.

we gave up listening to the talk on scholarships, and decided to have other forms of fun instead HAHA. honestly i think it (the scholarships) looks good but i’ve heard the truth instead of just the sales pitch! and like, i totally can’t pass my NAPFA even, let’s not talk about “Basic Military Training” cause that spells DOOM.

came back to school too late to attend any of the remedial lectures :/ or malay class, double gah. i fell asleep on the bus on the way there and on the way back — talk about lack of sleep. the moment the bus moved i conked out.

ended up going out with the gooooseeeeeey girl, and walked from forum to far east for subway, only to realize there’s a subway OPPOSITE forum =.=

then went to vivo in search of disney pens from minitoons and failed miserably!!

elektra this sunday! i can’t remember watching it, but i must because i love jennnifer garner.

my life is brilliant — really. i’m so glad the weekend is here even though it doesn’t look like i’ll be having a break, either :/

when i have my last training for debates (for this semester at least) sometime next week, i will not know what i come to school for anymore, except, perhaps, my best friends who always make my day. but good times can’t change my EoM deadline, WR deadline, VA deadlineS and promos in 7 weeks.

GAHMZXZ. i need to stop stressing.

i’ll be just fine, pretending i’m not.

all i really really need now is sleep, but that’s the last thing on my mind that’s positively buzzzzzzing with things to do. i’m still awake in class, but i’m so chirpy it’s scary. i think i really need to sleep more.

lunch today was at the grandstand with grace. very random. we were super tempted to pon our last lesson after that, which was MATH. of all the things.

spar with sajc after that, and i realized that SA wasn’t that far away from NJ.

fell asleep on the way back home. walked in a mild drizzle and felt quite awake… for a while.

this month is passing by far too fast. it’s almost the end but it feels like the start.

OH AND !! MONDAY, 28TH JULY, ARTS CENTRAL, 10PM – BRIDGING MINDS !!

do tune in, you get to see me with a horrible hongkong accent and declaring myself a tree-hugger and someone who used to have eating problems (3 different characters in 3 acts). one month after the recording, it premieres.

THE ONE MONTH HAS PASSED SOOOOO FASTTTT. i miss my teammates and the hotel and the gym and the food and generally the whole lifestyle. i had a fabulous bunch of people with me.

and now, i’m 7 weeks away from promos and i’m starting to feel very, very stressed.

so much hinges on this. (GAH.)

i really don’t want next year to come. last year was fabulous, this year fabulous in a different way, but next year will just be a hell hole of tests culminating in that stupid exam.

breaks of sanity from insanity would be appreciated. i think the closest i can get to that is quiet time with God every night. i get stressed by shopping because i can’t decide what i want to buy. so i think i’m better off bingeing myself into oblivion then going running in order to prevent myself from a very real death.

i reallyreallyreally want to go to sentosa. i need time AWAY from reality. swimming pool is no longer a substitute, i want to lie on the beach and sleep. the thought itself is so comforting. maybe sunday. (yes, and i can go on my wishful thinking.)

okay enough thinking -:/

we could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable, instead of just invisible.

j.co donuts! omg filling and zomgzxz awesome.

drinks were rather overpriced.

(but michelle thinks she makes a good uh, hand model. HAHA.)

two very crazy and very happy people

i think my face has grown chubbier! ): today mich and i went on an elusive search for skinny jeans — sadly for us, with big hips and (relative to our hips) skinny thighs, it’s either too tight on the hips or too loose around the thighs, so we either end up uncomfortable or it defeats the purpose of skinny jeans in the first place! so not fair. our plight is quite saddening.

mich is leaving in like, two weeks. i wish i wasn’t so busy, i wish i could put everything else on hold, so we could go out every other day. we did this very funny pinkie promise to write though. canada is awfully far away, and there are no exchange programs to go over there either! suckzxz.

ahh very angry, i bought a little mermaid pen but didn’t try it out, came home only to realize it didn’t work!!! cheat my money! ): and the shop has a no exchange policy. i feel quite silly now ): but ohmygoodness i love disney princess stuff. i’m not even sure why. i think love is something that’s very hard to define, or justify.

i have a new penpal/email pal from swapbot! exciting stuff man.

very tired although i haven’t been sleeping in lessons despite my obvious lack of sleep, and i’m still pretty energetic!!!

and omg my shoulder just ACHES from lugging around my horribly heavy bag today!!

okay today i have been very random. lack of sleep = increase of air in the head. even though i’ve been singing “no air” (by jordin sparks & chris brown), much to grace’s derision, because as a physics student she finds it hard to believe that there can be “no air” ahahah.

math has been bearable this week. i shall try to keep this up!

house session today was fab, i yelled my voice out. i think my favourite part of the year is orientation. lovelovelove cheering man.

525,600 minutes – how do you measure a year?

i hate my fringe, it flops over my eyes and refuses to be tied up. and because all my hairbands/headband whatnots are broken or not with me, so i have nothing else to pin up my hair omg. this is so frustrating, and i keep forgetting to buy it, even when i have the time, – i think i should just cut my hair i’m too lazy to tie it too.

i like tuesdays even though my timetable looks like rubbish; i get to spend most of my periods with grace & nush, even though it isn’t exactly my favourite lessons and i end the day with PE! pfft.

i wish my teachers would allow me to just run around the track during PE instead of playing games like handball and floorball. not that i’m bad at it, i managed to score a goal today (and probably had the most misses too), and scored many on monday, but i think i prefer running instead of the start/stop motion.

i finally sent my swaps!! overdue :/ and i have a few more upcoming hohoho. i need to be more responsible manzxz!

i stayed up last night drifting in and out of consciousness, and that dreaded EoM still isn’t finished! wretched life i lead.

anyway! today was supposed to be a special day of sorts; even though i didn’t exactly make that big a fuss out of it, i didn’t let it pass by unnoticed either.

-

i remember how i used to love tuesdays, last year, for an entire term or so.

i’d end at 2pm, my earliest days, and wind up at the breezy grandstand before or after debates training, and dinner after that at random places where we could watch the stars. and for a few hours, relax and escape the madcap madness of school. it made the rest of the week easier to go through.

i miss those days. but not that badly; nowadays it’s not as if these happy sojourns are entirely gone.

cory finds another way to be the highlight of my day.

i am faint with fatigue;

i stayed up until 430am this morning to finish history VA, woke up 180 minutes later and hauled myself out of bed and to school, surviving the day with just a coffee & a donut to kickstart it off.

all that slogging for 5 marks. we students of today live pathetic lives.

i stayed awake the whole day, being happy and high and random. VERY RANDOM. to the extent mr whitby termed it “airheadedness”. i think a lack of sleep makes me more alive. in a bad way.

i basically sound like an obsessive and whiny spoilt brat, the last thing on earth i’d want to be.

EoM remains… undone. i feel guilty for spending the weekend with food. i don’t dare to go near the weighing scale after the enourmous amounts of food i have consumed in the past 72 hours, especially last night when i binged cos i was stressed and also cos i needed to stay awake.

i. have. so. much. to. do. ):