You’ll come, let your glory fall as You respond to us

at the start of last year, i had a few things i really wanted:
-the humanities scholarship
-to become a better debater
-to represent singapore in debates, or at least get invited to the audition for the national team
-to get a H3
-to be an OGL in 2009
-to have best friends who’d understand everything that i’m going through, to keep me sane, and who’d make everything okay.

a year ago, my heart skipped a beat when i received the sms notification from the HOD of humanities that i was the recipient of the humanities scholarship.

the next day, i formally accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour.
my life’s been an uphill since then, and i’ve managed to get everything, all that i’ve ever asked for.
and i thank God.
it’s nothing to do with whether or not i’m capable or not, but that all my efforts came to fruition, that i had unexpected opportunities and experienced miracles, that’s all God’s work in my life.

without God, i would still be one of those lost sheep that the guest pastor was talking about today at youth.
but everything, going to a convent school, then going to NJ and having christian best friends, this has all been part of God’s plan to shape me into the person He wants me to be.

and right now, i am just so, so blessed with amazing people around me who strengthen my faith everyday.
and i’ve realized that faith, that getting closer to God, is not and cannot be a one-off thing, but it’s something you must do constantly and consistently. the same way you choose to keep up your closer friendships with constant renewal, because “You (God) are my friend and You are my brother, even though You are a king” (taken from “You are my all in all”).

as i go one big step closer to God,
i find this a really apt timing because one year of being a christian, and truly trying to be a person for Christ and for others (as STC’s motto goes), i’ve finally realized the importance of evangelism, and i don’t know how, but i pray for the courage to spread God’s message. and for the strength to be a good testimony for all He’s done for me, and for all He’s blessed me with.

I LOVE GOD!!!!!!!!!
and i’m not ashamed to admit it.

-

oh and on another note, road run today (LAST TIME FOREVERRRRRRRRR) and i managed to run pretty fast, i think. like 20mins for 3.6km. i remember i ran 4km the day i got my humanities scholarship in a record timing as well, that was also around 20 mins. i like such parallels.
and. yeah ahaha i didn’t actually want to run at first, i was really grouchy about going to school early too, but i watched everyone run and seem so happy about it, and then when everyone around me started running my feet took off and i ran… until i reached the slopes, where i walked. HAHAH. but it was still good fun

then OG outing to LJS at PS, then we went camwhoring at Istana Park

today was an absolutely awesome day
even though, courtesy of a midnight conversation to cheer me up, i slept only 4 hours! and i currently have an on-off migraine ):
but yeah, life’s good when you have God in your life.

my heart’s crippled by the vein that i keep on closing.

something isn’t right, i’m just not sure what.
i feel like i’m at fault here somewhere.
like i’ve failed.
like i haven’t been able to live up to what i was supposed to do.

and of course, the guilt.

i want to go sit somewhere, where i can see the stars,
hear the sound of the sea,
and just stay there, until sunrise.
(and then stay there and tan the whole day so i won’t be so awfully pale and white! ahaha.)

yeah.
i feel like i’m running away from my problems.
i feel the whole escapism thing coming on.
except maybe, it’s time to grow up, and face it head on instead.

the rhythm of the rain that drops & coincides with the beating of my heart.

“Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.” Kim Hubbard

being online feels really good
i think i have been deprived
i get a broadband connection from next thursday onwards
but till then, its a painfully slow dialup ):

this weekend is set to be a really special one,
and i’m really annoyed that i have to go back to school for road run ):
this weekend marks 2 really special things -
its the one year anniversary of getting my humanities scholarship on saturday (i will never forget that euphoria), and on sunday, it marks one year since i’ve formally accepted Christ.

i think, compared to this time last year, i’ve changed for the better.
i’m basically at a different stage of life, and i’m glad to be where i am, and i’m grateful for the people around me.
and not that sad (anymore) about the ones i lost along the way :/

anyway i’m falling sick again ): from lack of sleep :/

and i believe, You are all i need.

omg omg omg IM ONLINE.
i’m so so happy i not only have a charger, but i also have a dialup connection. cos i finally found a working cable so i actually have an internet connection even though it’s insanely slow. (nevermind, broadband soon!!)

but seriously, better than nothing.
after all that i’ve been through this week, this is like, euphoria.
ultimateeee.

this week has been awesomeness.
and it’s only monday!
thank God for making everything all right.
for surrounding me with strong christians to always put me back on track.

“Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands”

i want to always feel this enthusiastic about God,
i don’t want this spiritual high to be temporal,
and i don’t know how, in addition to all the other amazing and crazy things going on, i’m going to sustain this,
but my latest fad has been to “try”.

and so i will

how does it feel to know you’ll never have to be alone?

my playlist has been so fixated on new songs that I forgot about my old favourites, like maroon five and olp and other emo songs that I might be better off without.
Or not.

This week has been horrible. Its been full of tears, I’ve felt completely stressed and I’ve gone off my rocker more than once, and sworn so much that I’m pretty ashamed of myself. I also went through a phase where I was absolutely convinced that God must hate me, but thankfully I actually find that thought quite stupid and laughable right now.

Because God has been by my side all this week, keeping me sane through various forms, through the daily devos in odb, by keeping me safe and healthy and well despite my erratic eating habits, and through the christians in my life, among other things.

I am so grateful to God, and to my friends, for not giving up on me.
Honestly if not for b, grace and dmzxz, by now I’d be a wreck, hiding at home.
I’m also grateful to my history sem grp for being so understanding, and all the other people who’ve somehow made my week slightly easier to get through.

And thank God, its over. Next week doesn’t look that much better, but to be honest, its hard to get much worse.
My eyebags are so bad that I don’t even care anymore.

Last night I went on an ice-cream binge with b, which made us both a lot happier, minus the “oh no now I’m fat” feeling. Ice-cream always saves the day I shared a pint of haato with grace on monday

my laptop charger is still quite dead, but I think I’m gonna buy one online tonight/tmrw so, yeah.
Till then, my net access is restricted to my phone.

Thank God for this awesome phone, and for unlimited sms so I can send 20page long smses

so why don’t we go, somewhere only we know?

a year ago, this concept of waiting for something, for anything, would have been entirely alien to me.
i’ve always been the “i see it, i want it, and i want it now.”
i’m impulsive, impatient, and i do things on the spur of the moment which i sometimes regret.
i say so many silly things.

but now, i’m actually gonna take that step forward and try to do something i’m probably going to find really difficult.
it’s far from being the easy way out, and it’s going to be a road filled with temptations and all. maybe not so much an uphill task, cause it’ll hopefully get easier along the way.

it’s about respecting God’s plan, it’s about respecting you, and it’s about making a matured decision to make sure we don’t screw up something we find so important.
and i hope we make it too, because i love you.
and i guess, it’s also about holding on to what matters.

what’s right isn’t easy, what’s right may hurt,
but the path to true love never did run smooth.

this is going to work; i’m going to try my best, and i’m going to pray about it, and hopefully, at the end of this … it’ll be what i’m waiting for.

to stand, at the beginning, with you

have i found you… or lost you?

okay right now my playlist has …
britney spears, taylor swift,
the dark knight OST, twilight OST,
hillsong, other worship songs,
… and PCD’s “i hate this part” which i’m really addicted to.
i think my playlist is absolutely random.

anyway today was absolutely awesome
lots of presents and chocolate (!!!!) and flowers (!!!!!!!!) in school which obviously made me very happy
and then out to cathay to meet B! sushi lunch was really good. then we went to watch valkyrie which got me thinking – its abit like sophie scholl but more interesting. i find it very intriguing that so many people hated hitler to such an extent. not that i support hitler’s actions, just that i thought he had such a dictatorship that everyone was completely under his control.
well, i guess there’ll always be dissidents.

i really want to watch the wedding game, benjamin button, slumdog millionaire andd he’s just not that into you. in that order, cos they were released in that order. ahh i wish i had more time to go watch movies

i don’t regret not going for talentime.
i thought i might regret not performing at all – like, not competing or doing a guest performance, but i think, looking at the way this week and today has panned out, i’m actually glad that i didn’t go for it, no matter how tempting it was because i just love performing too much – because i’ve sacrificed enough for indulging myself in what i want.

i can’t take it any longer, thought that we were stronger.

if there exists a criteria, a benchmark, for someone who is a failure as a student,
i’m pretty sure i make the cut.

i made it through today with the help of…
chocolate,
two painkillers,
and coffee, which gave me the runs but at least kept me awake cos i felt so horrible.

i think nowadays i’ve become very irritable.
lack of sleep makes it difficult to be patient.
lots of things annoy me that didn’t used to annoy me before.
what surprises me is that there are things that i can still put up with,
that i thought would have been the first thing that would irritate me.

but still,
sometimes it gets tiring because you don’t realize… stuff.
(and i’m saying you, as in generally/a few people, not a specific person.)

it’s so overdue.

and i don’t wanna fall to pieces
i just wanna sit and stare at you
but there is no more time for lies
cause I see sunset in your eyes

I AM STRESSED TO THE MAXXXXXX.
i have no idea why i signed up to be an OGL.
this is where i reexamine the human being i have been, and the one i should be, and well.
SO MUCH TO DO, HOW?
i think the worst part of this all is that i really, really want to sleep.

i hate this part right here.

it SUCKS not having a stable internet connection at home.
i’m currently camping out at the library. rawr. thank goodness for wireless@sg.

okay so its been 3 days of orientation, one day of debate competitions, and a really unlucky day today.

lets start with orientation!!
day 3 was station games. helming a station was pretty tough especially with “safety issues” :/ but it was fun still setting up and clearing up wasn’t fun though. but bowling myself across a mat was fun

day 4 was the external hunt which went pretty well i walked so much more than last year though, i think. came home alot more tired. OG outing to island creamery and then golden rooster was quite cool though. i love icecream!!!

day 5 was mass dance awesomeness and i got super high and lost my voice. before that was war games where i didnt get that wet, which is good, and i managed to take revenge on the other OGLS who totally dunked me during OGL camp. i didn’t get to go for dance party, but still orientation 2009 – e(NJ)oy was pretty much quite awesome for me
then went off for JGs to support the juniors and adjudicate!! adjudication is pretty fun i guess, i’ve realized that no one really listens to reply so i’m quite sad.
like, all my effort into reply for nothing ):

saturday was spent entirely at NUS Law Faculty supporting the juniors for NCS + working on my lit h3 proposal which is stressing the crap out of me.

oh yeah juniors won on friday night, beat crescent and for their performances on friday + saturday, i am REALLY REALLY proud of them. they’re really improving with every round i see them in, so i’m so glad for that

today was spent with B at NUS again, but at the Kent Ridge campus this time. i think my proposal’s finally shaping up *fingers crossed*. making my mentor angry makes me feel worse than it should :/

and so, e(NJ)oy – Viva La Vida is officially over, time to get back to the real world of school, homework, and above all, catching up.
there is so much catching up to do i want to give up.
i kinda really, really dread school tomorrow

okay but on the brighter side of things…

isn't he lovely?

as much as i love my cat, and i love cats more than dogs, i found love at first sight with this cute doggie called sparky.

and i think he likes me too

(hinthint: it would be nice to see him soon!)