and by the way, you brought me here.

OMGOSH FINALLY. the editing page for wordpress looks normal again
managed to grab a ticket, last-minute, for the X men origins: wolverine premiere.
went with b & his pals.

WOLVERINE IS GOOD STUFF MAN.
(the movie itself, and hugh jackman as an actor too.)

then b sent me home and WELL WELL WELL today i’m really really happy
(allthough i insist i am still just v.v.v. secretly introverted HAHA.)

i have a lit essay to do. super tired now. so i guess. i shall just wake up early tmrw! HAHA. goodnight, world.
i sleep contented.

it’s not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving.

new ringtone – bella’s lullaby.
and its really nice too!

sometimes i’m not sure if the reason why i feel disappointed with myself is because of the expectations others place on me, or because of the expectations i have of myself,
or just because i simply am inadequate.

or maybe i’m just too emotional for my own good,
care too much about what happens when i can’t change a thing,
worry like mad when i can’t do anything,
then realize that i expected too much out of nothing.

nothingness.
i wish i had more free time.
although i don’t think it would make me a happier person. not as much as i think it should.

i shall go back to trying to just be positive.
it used to be so, so easy.
but not anymore.

highlight of the day was lunch with grace!!
before doom came in the form of the returning of our IH papers ):
legs are still aching now from my MORNING SPRINT to catch the bus to school (sprinted one bus stop to catch the bus!) AND running into school and omgosh,
feels like i ran my 2.4km this morning! gross.
but quite fun too HAHA.
and despite waking up at 7am, i managed to slide into school by 7.40am.
(thank God, or a CWO would await and i really, really don’t have time for that.)

what do you say to taking chances?

oh cool. this is the 1406th post.
(someone’s old room number!! haha.)
it’s 48 days to my birthday and i’m really looking forward to it this year, for a myriad of reasons.

anywya well. i should really quit blogging.
buttt! okay fine, short one-

today was pretty much a good day.

started off well -managed to get to school on time.
and talked to b on my way to school which definitely kickstarted my week

THIS WEEK ENDS THURSDAY.
SENTOSA ON FRIDAY YESSS.
AND MONDAY NEXT WEEK = HALF DAY.
(escaping my “favorite” lesson econs HAHA.)

and now i shall go address the mountain of work i’ve been putting off :/
sometimes i wonder if i overthink, overplan -
or if this is just right,
or inevitable. because of who i am.

the more of this or less of this or is there any difference.

am terribly behind after missing 2 full days of school – and this weekend has basically been wasted in trying (and failing quite miserably) to catch up :/

spent 3 hours last night fiddling with my phone trying to add a thread sms application which failed quite horrendously and screwed up my phone so i had to factory reset (super troublesome to get back all the stuff i changed!) and then even then the problems persisted but i found a way out so i think my menu looks better now. just need to get used to it.

my appetite has come back in FULL FORCE and i’ve been eating well and SNACKING LIKE MAD today which is quite bad.
went to harbourfront FC to try to do some homework and guess who came down to surprise me!
b came down and of course after that no more studying was done HAHA.

i have from now till about 10plus tonight (i am gonna try to sleep by 11) to finish up homework so tmrw i can go running during free period!!

let’s go back, back to the beginning.

(be warned: long debate/annoyed/emo rant up ahead.)

so today i watched the midc finals between acjc and vjc.
from the start, i was supposed acjc.
cos i think they’re a very solid team, and i’ve always liked acjc, partially because acjc debaters have always been of a decent (if not excellent) calibre.
and, to a smaller extent, i don’t really like the vjc team.

to be honest, i think there is no pride, no pride at all, in winning when this is your second round in the competition. when you send speakers, all 5 speakers, even your reserves, as people who spoke last year in the competition.
its disgusting.
i think HC beat them in the prelims if im not wrong. HC, with a complete J1 team, beat the school with a whole bunch of J2s. oh dear. how embarrassing. and i was hoping that today, the same humiliation would be enacted on them.
its just like cheating. not to mention how the competition, as the principal proudly announced (he also called the adjudicators “abjudicators”, “tanked” them, and the MIDCS were labelled as “the minister of education debating championship”. wow), was adjudicated by people who were VJC alumni. yes. 75% of them.

i really, really felt sad for the acjc team when they lost. they’re really good, and i really didn’t feel the people on the other side deserved the best speaker (URGH i thought the best speaker was a TERRIBLE speaker. with an equally horrible hairstyle) or even getting ranked. and i think the acjc first prop should have been ranked, she’s really good and she speaks so well, so clearly, and man can she do a good preamble and set-up. impressive.
i guess first speakers generally don’t get ranked highly! sigh.

AH WHATEVER. i don’t know why i’m so pissed.
i guess i’m just annoyed that the people who really, really deserved to win on ANY count, didn’t.
(okay but seeing linus and aletheia was quite good!! i joined AC in cheers. HAHA.)
-

sitting in finals, again, was an emotional rollercoaster ride at some points.
i felt like crying when acjc didn’t win.
and while waiting for the results, i was suddenly brought back to last year, when we were waiting for results.
i fled once the results were announced.

today, i missed debating so, so very much.
i wish i could redo so many things in my life, and while i would love to do a better job of defending my team in the finals, i wouldn’t want to go through the ordeal of last year’s horrifying finals.

i can vividly remember so much of last year’s finals, including, ironically, the moments where everything felt like a blur. i remember the blur itself vividly.
i remember crying in the stairwell.
i remember being super thankful for the best pal ever coming down to support me, and i remember being so distraught after the results were announced, and crying on his shoulder.

alot of finals was crying, disappointment,
the post-midc feeling was one of general sadness.
i never, ever want to feel so lousy again, never ever want to go so low again.

sigh. i am so rarely able to focus on the now.
i’m always wrapped up in the past, too concerned about the future.
but when i’m debating – that’s probably the only time that “now” really matters.

i miss my team more than i ever thought i would.

4 people i can't ever forget.

you’re on the radar.

can you believe it I AM STILL SICK urgh.
okay i’m getting steadily better BUT STILL! and then now i have a fever to add to this whole mess.

i really just need to accept that my body has lost its ability to digest food properly, which would explain why i get a stomachache everytime i eat, which makes me lose my appetite and yeah.

on another note – i think too much. not sure if that will do me good in the long run.
meanwhile, i’m going to take my medicine and sleep.
and hope that tomorrow when i wake up i’ll feel like a normal person again, and not lousy and crappy.

today had only 3 bright spots which both came in the evening- lunch with lava at btfc, spending quality time with bff grace in the library, and later on getting a phone call from the boy with the really, really nice voice

which somewhat made up for the lousiness.

oh and my wordpress still looks weirddd ):

carry it far away where I can fly.

my wordpress is appearing funny!
its quite annoying.
even after restarting my browser it still looks funny.

today was my first day back at school after a 2 day break and school’s giving me a headache :/
my stomach still continues to feel weird and i don’t think i’m eating the right foods either but oh whatever.
school tomorrow is so, so pointless. i really don’t know why i’m going but i am :/
its so tempting to stay home and try to get well completely instead of getting kinda well and then not entirely well :/

OKAY BUT BESIDES THAT TODAY WAS ACTUALLY A RATHER AWESOME DAY.
spent my one hour break talking to nush about the future – talking helps me sort my very, very scattered brain out.
on tuesday i wanted to be a lawyer, on wednesday i wanted to be an MP, and today i think i’m fine with being a housewife.
not sure about tomorrow but YEAH. need to settle. like the daemons in His Dark Materials (which, btw, i really need to start reading!!!!!!!!!! die.) i need to choose something and stick to it for the rest of my life. (okay maybe not stick to it but at least live with it.)

and then!! after school was a fab fab fab surprise outing to town with b!
first, movie watching at cathay – “taken” is definitely quite the thriller although its waaaaay too much violence. unnecessary killings. i don’t like. i think its better to disarm rather than kill people – especially since disarmed people can suddenly pop up after they were supposedly dead!
then, dinner was probably the last thing i should be eating right now, a chock block of proteins when the doctor said quite strictly carbohydrates only and no proteins or milk products (both of which i’ve gone against. no wonder i’m not getting well).
OKAY BUT PIZZA HUT IS JUST GOOD STUFF.
and it was a celebration so yes

then b sent me home!!
benefits of being sick

and now the effects of the medication and a really long day are getting to me so. i shall sleep. soon.

ahh but i’m really happy and really thankful to God for everything
and that everything’s working out, just fine!!

i’m trying to forget that i’m addicted to you.

i’m a new fan of so you think you can dance.
partially cos of the song “dancing” by elisa.
its so beautiful, and so.. dance-able.

i’m gonna take 2 months off to just to do contemporary dance.

to be able to dance like this:

although i might never be that good, i just want to be able to feel the music through dance.
some music is best felt through contemporary dance. (merry christmas mr lawrence)
some music is best felt through tap dance. (like mika’s grace kelly)

it’s rare that i am so addicted to a song, not because it’s got really good lyrics (corrine may/mariah carey’s greatest hits) or a pretty tune (taylor swift’s love story), but because it inspires me to wish i could dance.

i know its probably really unrealistic but in the future i’d like a house with a dance studio and a jamming room. and a gym/room with a treadmill.

-

today i cooped myself up at home hoping to get better, and thankfully i am no longer having diarrhea and it’s just a stomachache now. and the stomachache is slowly fading yay!
although i am rapidly losing my appetite :/

i feel so tired. and sleepy. even though i’ve been sleeping alot, and now i can’t sleep.
but i feel like i could conk out for another few days :/

okay but on the bright side!!
-debates party yesterday went well!! free cone day after that too
(which might explain why i didn’t get well as fast as i should have. eating the wrong kinda food. heh.)
-mpp part 1 of 4, a visit to ph today, went well!! and i had fun. am gonna be a mooter + debater (like my coaches) should i go to NUS law.
-SOMEONE IS CHAMPION FOR SAILING NATIONALS AND I’M REALLY PROUD OF HIM!

(okay and now i shall try to sleep. and make it to school tomorrow. and goodness, FIND MY MC!)

how life is a waving feather.

So I put my arms around you, around you
And I know that I believe and soon
My eyes are on you, they’re on you
And you see that I can’t stop shaking

(dancing, by elisa – is such a nice song to.. dance to!)

today was feeling horribly sick, going to school for training cos i felt better, big party of pizza and chips, then a mad rush for B&J free cone day and finally, home again, feeling lousy.

occasionally: cold sweat, bouts of stomachaches, diarrhea, muscles feeling like i’ve done a hundred pull-ups, legs feel heavy as lead, tired no matter how much sleep i get, grouchy, …
i hate being sick, even though it does have its benefits.

2 days worth of MC and i wish i could just coop myself up at home.

You can’t plant me in your penthouse; I’m going back to my plough

playlist today was the calming one-
jack johnson (new fav!), jason mraz, john mayer, and later, elton john too.

i love it how during worship (be it at youth on saturday or sunday services) i always seem to manage to sort out my problems,
come out from worship stronger, realizing that alot of things are just a matter of perspective.

just gonna look forward and put my trust in God.

If God took you to it, He’ll get you through it.

“God never said life would be easy, but He did promise us to be every step of the way.”
oddly enough, the person who first quoted me the above quote is someone i don’t talk to anymore, and probably will never talk to ever again.
i guess its just the things we lose as we move along in life.
but if not for the things we lose, we’d never treasure the things we have.