do you feel bad, like i feel bad?

a few days ago this thought started in my head,
that maybe this just isn’t right,
all this pain ain’t worth it.

i thought i could hold on, but maybe not.
today i decided that i’ve had enough,
and somehow, the past 105 days just didn’t matter anymore.

it’s over.

time to move on to greener pastures.

it started 15 weeks ago, on a sunday.
apt for it to end on a sunday, too.

time will tell if this is the best way to go.

i won’t always love what i’ll never have, i won’t always live in my regrets.

my msn hotmail homepage looks weird

today i’ve been feeling quite torn, and i’m not sure what i want.
or what i’m looking for. i wonder if i’m being unreasonable sometimes.

but for what it’s worth, i’m turning into a wall of stone.
stoning, feel stoned, annoyeddd at the world, saddened and reminiscing.
I NEED TO STOP LIVING IN THIS CRITICAL MODE. ITS NOT GOOD FOR ME.

ON A HAPPIER CHIRPIER NOTE: PRE-U SEM DAY AFTER TOMORROW!
(not so happy note: need to pack first.)

i am speedwatching meteor garden in order to get my mandarin skillz back.

no, the sweetness will not be concerned with me

-gp lecture. AND SCHOOL IS OUT!! WHEE!!
-realized after bloghopping i missed the end of term mass at every IJ sch. shall go back for ‘em someday.
-lunch at aston’s! with darling B
-making good progress in reading the golden compass! more than halfway through already. the plot is drawing me in, deeply.
-debates BBQ!! was quite fun

TIRED NOW. just did notes on FB LOL.

-

on a sadder note:

jimmy eat world is a good band with music worth listening to-
but sometimes listening to it makes me thoughtful and all emo.
because it reminds me of a million and one things.

and sometimes, a certain line of the lyrics from some random song jumps out at me.
like something from the past that was always there, but i never saw it.
and hearing it, now, when it’s all too late,  just makes me full of regret.

sadness that i never understood you the way you understood me.
or maybe i did, just in a different way.
but as i look back at the past 3 years, you were there for all my tears.
(‘cept that ones you caused.)

AH ITS MADNESS SOMETIMES.
(and i don’t know how to tell you either, but i hope you read this.
and know that i’m talking about you.)

going back to the corner, where i first saw you.

today was exco elections!!
kinda bittersweet.
i’m glad that my term is OVER AND DONE WITH and my tuesdays are finally free.
i’ll miss debating but not that badly – i think i’m more cut out for debating itself rather than coaching!!
BUT STILL.

i’ve grown to love the club, back from hating it and only staying because i had a love for debates itself. and then the love for debates got overwhelmed by all the negativity i faced, and i thought, maybe i wasn’t good enough.
and i wanted to join track.
but i’m glad i stuck through. i’m really, really glad that i did.
exco position or not, last year was the best year of my life.
this year, so far, just doesn’t match up to the awesomeness that was last year
although i think i am crying less!! HAHA.

i’m so grateful to God for giving me the trials and tribulations of the past 4 years, because it culminated in success for the past 2 and i dont think i would appreciate success, or be so sensitive towards failure in my juniors, if i didn’t have to go through that much crap myself.

it’s been insane, with euphoria and tears that seemed not to stop.
losses, both personal and team, and success, both individually and as a team.

this has been one helluva ride.
and i will miss it.

at the same time, i hope that when i go back to debating in 2011, there’ll be alot less drama.

one of my junior’s said that she was glad that no one in this club had ever put her down.
i wish, i wish so dearly, that i could say the same.
but i’m glad no one had to go through the anguished hell that i did.
and i wish to God that i’ll never have to go through something like that again.

-

hung out with leungyan and ben for a while after that! the 2 seemingly asexual boys are quite fun to hang out with. leungyan is probably the only person who spends more than me on books. at least recently!

then went to meet MS FELICIA SOH the very awesumz one
was really happy to see her!!!!!! after soooooo long zomgg.
WE HAVE BIG PLANS HOHOHO

icecream gallery was goodstuff. really goodstuff.
and then we walked home from harbourfront haha.
didn’t take that long.

i think i’ve had a pretty satisfying day today

even though i haven’t been studying and seriously, seriously need to start,
AND REALLY REALLY NEED TO START PACKING FOR PRE-U SEM!

lucky i’m in love with my best friend.

i’m really exhausted today!!

who wouldnt be after
- 3 hours of LIT with only 2 breaks lasting 5 mins
- a short 30 min break in between spent mostly on lunch
- another 3 hours of lectures, this time HISTORY, with only 1 break

INSANE I TELL YOU.

okay but dinner after that was good. so nevermind.
especially since i got to see…

SPARKY!

really <3 this little one. nice long silky soft fur and just, so cute!

it used to feel like dreaming, ‘cept we always woke up.

omgosh today was another foodfest. at this rate i’m going to be fat(ter than i already am) without knowing it! okay or actually i do

met B for a while, GSS everywhere made shopping very tempting zomggg. but i think i’ve spent too much alrrrrr

lunch was KFC and FINALLY FINALLY after like … 10 months, i had cake from changing appetites on a tuesday!

strawberry cheesecake

then headed over to grace’s for a while
then back to school for the UK unis talk which… was quite traumatic.

i realizeeee i really need to research grah.

then dinner cheered me up much went with mum to ikea yummylicious

ikea feast!

and then mum insisted we leave no trace, so we had to clear our table when we were done, resulting in …

following whatever the little ad thingum says.

IM INCREDIBLY FULL NOW OH DEAR. but highly contented

and then one day, one magic day he passed my way.

omgosh today was another slackfest!
woke up around noon but somehow i can’t sleep for 12 hours straight anymore. i’ll wake up in between and take some time to get back to sleep. i think it’s either stress, or my body has been so sleep-deprived it’s unable to sleep for long hours :/

brunch was cereal with soya bean milk and finishing up a bottle of peanut butter + grape jam which i added milo mix to
my cat is really adorable!

the sleepy girl.

lazy about the house.
decided to clear up my wardrobe.
went out in the evening to marina square for dinner at changing appetites!

:D

the kind waiter offered to take the photograph for us since we were struggling to take a good photo HAHA.
dinner was so so good! student meal came with MUSHROOM SOUP that was pretty good, then we had one-for-one sundaes!! super full & contented now HAHA.

AND THEN i went to hula&co. to do some shopping, spent an hour inside trying to find something that wasn’t too small and wound up with 2 dresses of a decent length!! and 50 bucks poorer. but quite worth it so i’m quite pleased i have 2 new dresses to add to my collection

i’ve spent a whopping $150 in the past few days, $130 if you exclude food.
GSS madness.
and now it’s time to control my spending for the rest of this month!

ahh. back to school tomorrow. i’m starting to dread waking up early :X

you’re losing me to the invisible enemy; can’t you see?

omgosh today was shopping MADNESS i blew like over 80 bucks on books and stationary after 20% discounts at kino and popular and a 30% discount + $10 voucher at borders!

okay but i’m really happy and contented now. my pencilcase is nice and full anddd i have all the books i need between now and A levels! and after that i shall go on another book spree again

and omgosh GSS rocksssss everywhere is on sale!! might go shopping tmrw
or soon, at least, before all the nice stuff get snapped up.

morning was bad, lunch of subway was good, worship was even better and then shopping in orchard road, bras basah and vivo just made me day
(and then coming home just made me emo all over again!)

yeah super tired now i really need to start sleeping early :/

-

i’m getting abit tired of trying to fight this single-handedly.
it’s like i’m trying to talk to a wall.
it’s like trying to make things work, but working alone.
alone.
alone.
alone but for my tears and fears.

i’m sick of excuses.

what giving up gives you, and where giving up takes you.

aaand so, LS is over!
much fun! and i surprisingly did manage to learn some things from the people who came down to speak to us, even though i thought since it was gonna be about science i’d hate it all the way.
but still – the science emphasis just . is something i’m gonna have to live with in the singapore society :/

(shall upload the photos soon-ish)

-

and today i went into one of my old habits of thinking far, far too much.
and today i wondered where i was going and what i was doing with my life,
wondered why i felt so disappointed, wondered if it was my own expectations or your fault.

and all i heard was just watch the fireworks by jimmy eat world.
overwhelmingly, over and over, in my head.
reminding me of better days.

i’m really, really tired.

come away with me;

pictures, because i’m too tired to blog anything substantial.
but basically fps presentations are over! LS in general has been fine too
aaaaaanddd i’ve been eating alot and having fun and other than an extreme lack of sleep because my MSN finally works properly again (and therefore a difficulty to wake up!) i’m really contented

group 2!

group 2!!

last day of LS tomorrow. this year seems to be passing by a little too fast.
CTs in 5 weeks and i’m not sure i’ll have enough time.

but depressing thoughts aside – Ritz Apple strudel is really good!
HAHA went there for dessert last night after dinner, and whoaaaa its super good.
its so DUMB how i only realized the good food around my school this year, in my last year there!