how could greater love than this, ever possibly exist?

today was just draining BUT someone v.v.v. special brought me ikea meatballs which definitely cheered me up!
then icecream with estella

but the new few days look SET to be a LIVING HELL on earth.

- yet i don’t care anymore. whatever happens is honestly God’s will and i can’t say that anything else could be planned better.

don’t write yourself off yet.

its so sad. michael jackson should have died before he went into deterioration. like, early 1990s. before all that surgery turned his face into this distorted thing :/ or, he should have died AFTER this world tour so his image could be salvaged. hopefully. or maybe this is the right time ‘cos the world tour would have been a flop. we will never know.
i’m listening to the songs i have that are by him and his voice, its really amazing.

anyway, this morning i received the email i was waiting for all week, but wasn’t expecting.
and came home to a letter i didn’t know i wanted till i got it. (!!)

happy, but tired ttm. and things are looking up, but not up enough.
but good enough for now.

be careful of what you do;

i thought it was a prank, some suspicious rumour, that michael jackson, the undisputed king of pip, was dead.
its just like how people of elvis presley’s time could not believe he was dead, the same way how i still can’t really believe michael jackson is dead. like, perhaps there’s some consipracy theory, somewhat.

went to watch a chinese orchestra concert! which was good. i am learning to appreciate chinese music. undeniably though, percussion is one of the most important things to me in a piece of music.

today i was looking through some old stuff and found, wedged between 2 pages in the book, bible verses that got me through promos. that i somehow remember now still but yet somehow don’t follow enough. don’t trust enough.

matthew 6:34 – “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own.”

today the trouble was about forgiveness – i know i can, but i don’t know if you can.

just a little late; you found me.

not quite sure what i’ve been doing for the past 6 months gah.

hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you’ll be alright

i feel abit like being in a pressure cooker, and i’m abit scared that one day i’ll lose control and all the thoughts i’ve been trying to suppress will mount and overflow and i’ll just spontaneously combust.

no, but i’m thankful that. God always provides. so althoght i get my stupid anxiety attacks i calm down in the end.

but stiiiilllll.

the fray is calming. stuff like “heaven forbid” and “you found me”. is good stuff.
music is the <3.

‘cos you caught me off guard.

gentings was AWESOME TO THE MAX I TELL YOU.

i thought turnning 17 was cool enough, i think 18 is PWNAGE. srsly!!
all the lovely birthday presents and bashes AND NOW,
the past few days in gentings with my dear aunty (who isn’t really related to me, but just someone who might care for me most in the entire world, and definitely loves me alot and isn’t afraid to show it) were just SO SO GOOD.

i am super recharged and rar-ing to go now. i am so excited about my future!!
i am so sure that i am going to enjoy myself, even though i’m not THAT sure about what i want to do BUT i’m confident that i’ll find my way, somehow.
right now, i’m tending towards being a lit teacher.

i’ll grit my teeth and find some love in poetry.
(because i am such a ne’er do well and a good-for-nothing, there are few subjects that i CAN do, even fewer that i WANT to do, and trying to match “can”, “want” along with the teaching scholarship i am aiming for isn’t that easy. it ends up with doing law and hoping to get some scholarship from somewhere to do it.)

i love love love my aunt she’s fascinating and interesting and the most wonderful person to be with! i was really sad to have to leave gentings! i saw the most awesome things while i was there!!!! cable car ride, went to the temple and the statues are all so pretty (yes, as much as i don’t really like temples, this one was in the mountains and FULL OF FRESH AIR and funny statues!), birthdayy lunch buffet + cake!, went to some JEWEL exhibition and OMGOSH soooo nice!!, and then THE FOUNDER OF GENTINGS – is really a visionary.

just think about it. in the 1970s, where technology was primitive, he thought about inventing a place in the hills/mountains for  people to 1. enjoy the forest and 2. escape the gruelling heat of the city. HOW SMART! and he didn’t believe that it was “impossible” although everyone laughed at him for his dream of a hotel in the clouds.

but he had the last laugh. ITS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PLACE. with such fresh air and OH!!
really, the experience of a lifetime. but not just the scenery and the things to do, but good company, made all the difference

so although i haven’t studied for the past 3 days and i kind of realize that i might really be very screwed i’m just totally like whatever.
i’ll just try my best and trust that God is in control.

oh! and darling B came to pick me up from golden mile complex and send me home!!
which saved me from lugging my not-so-small luggage all the way home! and made me quite a happy girl

BACK TO STUDYING FULL STEAM TOMORROW!!

its such an odd thing to say but i actually enjoy studying and i’m looking forward to just spending my days studying. i guess its because i do selective studying, and only do stuff i like :S ahwell. and i buy myself chocolate. lots of it. i just bought bubblegum with hershey flavour HAHAH. choco-maniac TTM!

leave out all the rest.

in about 8 hours time i will be OFF to enjoy myself in genting highlangs for 3 days and 2 nights!

-

edit:

yousendit is taking forever to upload stuff, but its already halfway through so i’m too lazy to stop it :/
just finished packing!!

I AM V.V.V.V.V. EXCITEDDD!!

you try to avoid it, but there’s not a doubt

i can’t do vectors, i can’t do complex numbers, and even integration is now challenging.
(for the first time since i started learning integration, i am actually encountering questions that i can’t solve. not even after trying 100 times.)
i haven’t started on lit. h1, h2 or h3.
haven’t studied half of IH, and another half of SEAH.
don’t know how to write an econs essay. :/

CTs are in a week… and tmrw i leave for a holiday with more than half my work lying in a pile on the floor of my room, waiting to be studied so i can actually do decently for CTs and make it somewhere in the life that involves UK university applications.

this is feeling a little hopeless. math always makes me feel hopeless. unachieved.

…………………………and i shall try to go to sleep.
when i wake up everything will seem a little less bleak. i hope.

i think i really do need the holiday to like, forget that my math is in the pits.
and maybe consider getting math tuition.
the days of getting a bronze cert for math olympiad are long gone.

what happened?

i’m not sure either.

when chasing our dreams is just a distraction.

my math is in the pits of Doom. i think i’m seriously just gonna read solutions and hope for the best!! :/

ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE:
went out with esther dearrr today!!

and and!! bought a new wallet. from ripcurl.

considered this
but ended up buying this

esther also passed me my birthday present PLUS belated christmas present – cool post-its (the kind where you fill in boxes and tick stuff, not blank ones!) and a notebook (decorated by her!) !!! awesomeness
on another note, lavania also passed me my birthday present AND!! its socks PLUS lots of good food hehe.

i like… letters and practical presents!! clocks included. HAHA.
this year i’ve had awfully good presents!!

so… THANK YOU FOR ALL THE PRESENTS AND NOTES!! really appreciate it!

next birthday present coming up… trip to gentings from sunday-tuesday with my aunt!!
its such bad timing to have my birthday in june BUT i’m loving it

so i look to You; for no one else will do.

today i played the 5-star playlist and just let it run. old favourites came out.
really, really old songs came out that i forgot that i had, like chinese music?
and good charlotte. i remember ripping good charlotte albums off mich.

i’m getting wayy to little sleep. today i woke up with swollen eyes because i rubbed my eyes too much last night. because i stayed up to play samurai sudoku…
which is this super-sudoku, a 5-in-1 mega-sudoku thing.

even if your heart would listen, doubt I could explain.

its the little things that matter. the small things you remember.
for better, or for worse.

i think its about time i do some photo printing for my wall