trying to find direction;

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i have found sgbeat, this awesome service that alllows you to tweet via sms

life has been… rather bittersweet. ahwell.

went out with mich today

consuming fire, fan into flame a passion for Your name.

“If you do not listen, and if you do not set your heart to honor my name,” says the LORD Almighty, “I will send a curse upon you, and I will curse your blessings. Yes, I have already cursed them, because you have not set your heart to honor me.”

Malachi 2:2 (New International Version)

this is my fear, and also my comfort.
it has been an awful, awful week so full of tears, betrayals, realizations about how some people just don’t care, but i’ve also realized who are my true friends, who are the people who truly love me, care for me, and just want the best for me, and don’t lie to me or harm me or anything, and i’m so grateful to God for that.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

i am mildly worried about my future, because i don’t know if what i want is what God wants for me, but i KNOW with CERTAINTY that everything will fall in place, according to God’s plan, which will unveil itself eventually.
but this weekend has been time out with God, i love my church and i love praise & worship cos i t always makes me realize stuff and the worship music is so so good!
one day i wanna be the one on that stage, choosing songs to sing, and making a change in the people attending the service. the songs really do matter, and today the songs had the same message over and over again in many different ways, just about how glorious God is, just about praising Him, wholeheartedly.

God is awesome, and God is sovereign over everything.
If we lean on Him, we know we can trust Him.

i haven’t been leaning, or trusting God enough lately,
it’s time to go back to really living my faith and not just proclaiming it.

take 5!

HELLO TODAY I HAD THE STARK REALIZATION THAT:
prelims (new dreaded word, only less scary than the phrase “common test results”) are nearing and i am far from finishing my revision, and am having trouble keeping abreast of current work, so i am going to put aside my laptop for a while and make use of the email function on my phone.

THEREFORE: I AM FINALLY GOING ON A BLOGGING HIATUS!
(SURPRISE!)
think it’s about time. will occasionally blog still, as well as twitter (haha only 140 words and i have twitter mobile SO it isn’t that disruptive), so check http://twitter.com/leejingt if you’re bored and want updates on my (soon to become very boring) life.
(somewhat hiatus. not entirely JUST YET. yet.)

anyway – don’t worry i am less depressed already!!
today school was painful ‘coz occasionally i still feel like a failure (and the week to come looks bad too) BUT !! went over to east coast after school and had a FABULOUS FOOD FEST for dinner at some lagoon food centre along east coast
(thanks for planning so well, b!)

i am contented with my food

:D we love food!!

dinner was so so good!! i think i secretly LOVE food and binges and long walks. although in general i don’t erally like walking cos i’d rather run or take the bus. but somehow i end up walking alot still. hmm. i guess its the company that matters

tomorrow starts the proper studying all over again. (i am looking forward to spending more time at harbourfront, and more time with my dearest study buddy estella!!)

-

& i guess sometimes all we can do is try, and hope for the best.
pray that something comes out of what you are doing.
that trying doesn’t come to nothing…
and that trying doesn’t just result in “something”, but “something good enough” in exchange for all that effort.
it doesn’t always work out, but one can always hope for better days ahead.
i think if i didn’t look forward, i’d have despaired by now, for 2938012983 reasons.

all the cards begin to stack up;

my life is in the pitz. seriously the pits. yesterday was only the start.
the return of results looks set to be one long nightmare lasting over the next fortnight or so.
my eyes are tired of crying already.

today i read through my old messages from last november and december.
last year was like, a golden year for me. this year, i don’t even think i can count it as bronze.

i am 18 years and 1 month old, and i don’t really know what to do with my life at the moment.
except just hope that tomorrow (seriously, tomorrow!!) will be better.

i don’t think i can sink any lower, but then again.
if i continued to be so pessimistic i would spend my life in an ice cream parlour.
preferably an ice cream parlour with a donut shop on one side and a chocolate shop on the other.

i don’t actually know how to not feel depressed at the moment.
which is odd because nothing really gets me down, usually.
except when really important people to me kind of like hurt me in some other way or another, but currently all the important people, and all the other friends, are trying really hard to cheer me up. BTW, i really appreciate it that is all that saves me from DESPAIR.

i can’t help but hope that things will turn around but i doubt they will;
although they really do need to AND.
i have a feeling i’m gonna be fat by the end of this fortnight from all that eating.

like today, dearest darlingest B came down all the way from the east coast to cheer me up
after an onslaught of incoherent messages from me worried him greatly.
and we had island creamery ice cream YUMMIEZ!!
(i am carrying around chocolate in my bag FROM NOW ONWARDS. for emergencies.)

reese’s is (currenntly) the best thing on earth.
i am assured that something even better is going to come along soon though (!!) and that thought is probably one of the more redeeming factors about the near future.

everything else about the future just makes me want to cry some more.

-

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

nothing hurts, when i go to sleep;

waiting for math papers to be returned today was er, painful.
getting the papers back didn’t make things any better.

somehow, although he was miles away, my dear ol’ pal made his presence felt.
i felt like crying, i felt crushed, i felt a million things but as always, DMZXZ made me feel better… after a while. (THANK YOU. you saved me, as always)

this is the first time in my entire JC life i’ve had to deal with failure. i’ve lived through 18 months without anything crushing my ego, finally in the haven where i never needed to touch those subjects i hated and dreaded. until math turned around and became the enemy.

it stings only because i care, AND it matters. like never before. i didn’t care about phy/chem/bio/geog and i doubt i ever will. HLME for me, all the way. but what happens when you try, and you fail? it hurts. especially since this is my one shot at going overseas that i never knew i wanted so much until it was too late to make sure i’d get what i wanted.

i’ve lived through most of my life not caring – i think i preferred life that way :/

today narcolepsy (by ben folds five) was just SCREAMING through my head and i’m not very sure why either. but it was.

AUDREY <3 brought my reese’s AWESUMZ !!! her sister, cheryl, bought them from the US.
ahh, UK/US have GOOD CHOCOLATE. or rather, good candy yumyum!!
stuffed my face with chocolate during break to just forget about crying and think… more positively.

ran off after school to sakae to meet B for SUSHI BUFFET!!!!!
we had 26 place between us PLUS the red plates and dessert etc! which was just really cool.
binges really do help take your mind of things. and B did a good job of cheering me up too

i’m really grateful for all the people around me. but ATM i am srsly tired (!!) aaaand i have a ton of work to do which i should shoo off and do HAHA BYEBYE.

‘cos i know you’re worth it.

TODAY WAS TOTALLY THE AWESUMZ!!

okay so i had an immense amount of trouble WAKING UP and i ended up late for church becoz church service has now been moved 1 hour earlier
i should be ashamed of myself, really BUT next week i will try to be on time!! :/

and thenz went out for a super long lunch with church people!! ikea meatballs are awesome and the company was just hilarious haha i <3 my church people. they’re all so nice even though sometimes i still feel abit like a stranger cos they’ve all grown up with each other and i’m this thing that just dropped in quite recently.

hopefully the next time i go to ikea they have my favv soup! love ikea soup, and the wholemeal/chunky kinda bread that comes with it.

went to vivooooo! basil just happened to be there with other people but joined me to go shopping for some stuff eg. dividers! and we managed to find some at pageone. i’m gonna be rather annoyed if i find nicer looking ones at kino tomorrow though BUT NEVERMIND!!

then went to macs and decided to read my history notes (!!), spent like OVER THREE HOURS on one set but at least i’m done with it :/ history is one subject that i just seem to spend so much time on but i still do badly for

TOMORROW … MATH COMES BACK. I AM DREADING IT. DREADING DREADING.
this is probably the only kind of suspense that i like, prefer?
better not to know

on the brighter side!! finished studying about 9, went down to swissbake at about 9? and i was really annoyed cos my favourite quiche and pies were ALL GONE so i bought some chocolate thing, and some curry puff instead. i think i stole one of the chocolate things lavania was eyeing (HAHA SORRY MATE!) but it was the first time i saw that there were actually any chocolate things left!

and then while i was paying, guess who should come along but dear ol’ B
who came down to send me home

today has been a v.v. happy day although it turned out entirely different from the day i planned out when i started my day today – but unexpected is good, once in a while!!

SCHOOL IN LIKE, 8.5 HOURS?? MATH LESSON IN 9 HOURS.
i shall think about how awesome today has been

there’s something ’bout the way, the street looks when its just rained.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRACE!!!

<33 BEST FRIENDS FOREVERRR!

–
oooh today was awesome!!
Okay last night was bad, i crashed out :/
so tonight i will try to sleep early BUT IT NEVER WORKS OH DEAR.

dance this morning!!! i just realized that if i go to UK, i won’t be able to participate in the dance recital next december… which means last december’s one was my last.
i never thought about that when i was performing. although i’m pretty sure i gave it my all, still

but anyway dance today was good!! although the dance is pretty challenging, we’ve been doing it for a few months already so its getting easier to handle, in a way.

lunch with dad, then lots of quality bonding time with daddy
went to popular and bought a whole range of highlighers so now my pencilcase is gonna have to be emptied abit cos its just a little bit too full at the moment HAHA.

dad’s gone off to china for the rest of the month, feels odd to have the weekends to myself. then again, i’m sure i’ll fill it up! as i have done so before.

haha i happened to be looking at the website of my primary school (cos someone was showing me something) and i found out that they have a musical coming up, and they’ve invited their distinguished alumni, in this case irene ang, to perform in it. SO EXCITING!! perhaps one day i will be distinguished alumni too
but i do want to go back to theatre. i’ve been so, so far away from it… (okay actually its only been 7 months.)

HAHA.

on a side note, went to the library today and saw this book review about this book entitled “an abundance of katherines” by john green. ‘cos this guy keeps falling for girls named katherine. the book seemed interested enough so i flipped around and saw this:

its about the guy who misses katherine #19 so much that … well, he just shatters. and the way he writes abuot how he misses her, and why he misses her… i guess i’m just a total sucker for romance but the sentence that struck me the most was the last one in that paragraph.

you can love someone so much, he thought. but you can never love people as much as you miss them.

it brought to mind something from catherine lim’s a leap of love, where the protagonist, li-ann makes a witty quip about how, in love letters, the most common word isn’t “love” but “miss”.

and i guess those words just screamed out at me.
can you miss someone more than you love them? i think you can. and i think missing someone is the most heartwrenching feeling. i hate watching people walk away from me, unless i know they’re coming back in the near future i.e. next 5 minutes.
otherwise, i’m just filled with some sort of sadness.

the kind of emptiness that nothing much else manages to fill, really.

i’ve realized though, that setting yourself up with high hopes, and always hoping that things will turn around for the better, or for some pleasant surprise… just leads to more heartache and tears. hoping, wishing… these are all things the idealist does, but unless an idealist finds another idealist, these are also things that could break your heart.

the only thing you can do is have a faint hope, somewhere at the back of your mind, that something pleasant is going to happen, and that hope keeps you going whenever times are bad. and makes the rare surprise one that really matters.

yeah. just a thought.

days like these should be dime a dozen;

this week i’ve tried to be more loving && i’ve also felt more loved!!
(latter is not the result of the former.)

-pastamania @ parkway with b,
-brought b aston’s for dinner, and camped out in a treehouse,
-went to meet my mum at bukit timah food centre with one of my aunts,
-AND TODAY! went to meet another of my aunts for dinner and had a really good talk with her about the future, about trusting God, and basically just catching up in general.

i think the people around me do love and care for me alot, even though i don’t always realize it!!

oh and also lunch with b!!
FINALLY, POST-CTS CELEBRATIONS !!
watched ice age 3 which was heartwarming & really sweeeeet
then pepper lunch !! and b sent me back to school

then dinner at harbourfront with my aunt !
and then came home to a surprise email from dmzxz with NEW SONGS TO LISTEN TO AWESOME OR NOT. and he also brought me more good news

for the FINAL moments of the day:
- i won 12,000 neopoints on neopets in the span of 2 mins!!
- mum decided to suddenly give me extra allowance
- dad came home (!!) WITH REESE’S CUPS AND TIMTAMS OMG!!!
(totally gonna  grow FAT ttm but wtv its worth is i <3 chocolate!!)

LIFE IS V. V. V. GOOD! PRAISE THE LORD!

it’s time to try;

i’m starting to learn to be contented with life!
or rather, recently, i feel like i’m living a very fulfilling life out of school.

feel loved and happy and all things positive!!
just not getting enough sleep as always.

but still. other than morning grogginess (eg. falling asleep on the bus this morning and almost missing my stop), life has been good.

hope it continues to be this way!!

you belong with me;

DINNER today was aston’s wheeeee i <3 aston’s!
and i discovered a new <3 – treehouses!!
pity NJ doesn’t have them. thankfully we have a rooftop though.

this morning i was grouchy & running late BUT tonight i shall sleep early and be well-rested and tomorrow will be a better day!!
I am releasing myself from all studying and homework HAHA i think i have earned it.

i am incessantly hungry it is SO annoying and i want swissbake

oh but today was fun and happy and i am feeling more POSITIVE NOW