i want something more; to get me through this semi-charmed kinda life.

i survived today on 3 hours of sleep. it got so bad that this morning i was just total blurry eyed and beyond dao. sorry, i really just couldn’t see clearlyi ran my 2.4km in 13 minutes and 46 seconds, a 1 minute improvement from last week without even training and i did it on an empty stomach: rushing to get to school by 7am means that breakfast is a luxury i don’t have time for. i’m not 171cm, and 51kg — we took height and weight today. like, yay HAHA. i was quite scared at first from all the trans fat and rubbish food i’ve been eating this week.

today was spent trying hard to keep awake and rushing out homework, and then lunch was rather entertaining when we all decided to be racist, sexist and generally discriminatory HAHA.

then stoned around in the canteen. hung out with nush in the atrium of all places, then with lavania and co at the orange tables. went off for debates, a funny but not well done debate. i’m just glad i wasn’t falling asleep like i was in my lessons.

i am so so tired. and i still have homework. and my mind’s going mad just thinking. about everything.

i don’t really know what i’m doing with my life anymore.

i’m not very sure what i’m getting into, and it’s about time i made my stand. to learn to mince my words, or go on being a vindictive blade which i quite enjoy.

there are people i strongly detest, to the extent that i would quit a project to avoid them, or sit at another table when they rudely plonk down at mine uninvited during lunch. it strikes me as childish when i talk about it, but i think avoidance is better than confrontation because i never get hurt by confronting others. sadly my shield’s quite strong when i’m defending it.

ah whatever it’s too complicated an issue for my tired mind to think about.

i wish that it was just that easy.

i can’t decide if i like the honed sound of a band on drums and guitar and bass like mcr’s welcome to the black parade, or a classic instrumental like merry christmas mr lawrence, or an acoustic version of unwell or the current song i’m hooked to, olp’s clumsy.

our lady peace (olp) goes down as one of my favourite bands, despite it’s emo-wrench lyrics.

anyway went down to zhenghua today, after waking up quite comfortably after 10 hours of sleep. mmhmm. more sleep tomorrow as my day starts late. and friday. and monday. maybe my eyebags will stop growing and just go away!!

when there’s a camera, everyone jumps in!
(also the first photo i’ve looked normal this week.)
samarth rediscovers his childhood.
i love the way you can see rays of light. i think my eyebags look much better today.
supper of cocoa with marshmallow bits that’s supposed to be fat free, it looks gross but it’s actually really delicious.

i was gonna go running but i ended up playing neopets. HAHAH classic. i’m looking forward very much to tomorrow’s karoke madness with the gang. so we’ve all agreed to clear our workpiles of reflections and presentations tonight

-

that’s when i love you, when nothing you do can change my mind
even though i’m close to giving up, calling it quits
calling in sick and not going for another week
(sometimes i hate having a heart, and being able to feel.)

if there’s half a chance in this moment;

every calorie’s a war
that i’m starting to lose.
-

just realize.

can’t he tell that i can’t breathe?

i suddenly feel like going down to starbucks for a coffee. (probably the influence of the seminar today.) i feel absolutely stoned. or maybe i wish i could curl up and hide.

i hate disappointment, whether it’s my own feelings or hurting that of others.

ahwellzxz. today was pretty much fun and games despite my sore throat suddenly taking a bad turn this morning, turning my voice into just a little more than a croak. (and wow, i have karoke with the gang on thursday.)

starbucks learning seminar was pretty cool. i learnt how to sip coffee without burning my tongue, and i suddenly missed all the times at starbucks with suzy last year where we attempted to study. HAHA. but yeah, starbucks’ winning formula seems to work i guess, the whole appealing to consumers and corporate social responsibility thing. kinda like the body shop.

then it was some movie thing with half of 03 which was quite enjoyable despite me being so tired i fell asleep in the middle. (not cause the arthouse movie was boring, but i was just in need of sleep.)

i get to sleep in tmrw, yay hopefully this dreadful feeling in my throat will just go away soon.

like winter nights need fire, like prophets need a sign.

i feel like going running; it’s just about to rain and the weather’s just perfect, but i’m already tired enough to drop off to sleep right now so i shall run tomorrow instead, if i can, when i’m done with that history essay that i have no idea what to write about :S

it’s funny, i have a pile of readings i’ve been unable to clear, but i doubt i’ll find the answer inside. gah. :/

okay on the bright side, i found my pencil today, ohmy thankgoodness. i was dying of worry because i couldn’t find it in any of the classrooms i was in yesterday, then found out it was with nush, so all that running around was quite for nothing, haha.

yay no math to depress me today, although the looming test is hovering like one of those dark rain clouds. tomorrow the leap years opens in cinemas; i’m starting to highly doubt when i’ll get to watch it, if even at all, for a large multitude of reasons.

today i ate normally. i give up on my crazy dieting, but i’m gonna try reducing the binges/calorie intake. especially since i’m traumatized/disgusted when i see some people gorge themselves with food and i’m like, “if they had any friends, their friends would tell them to stop”.

yeah i know that’s mean but it’s true. no one cares enough about them to tell them that they should stop incessantly eating like nobody’s business then complain about putting on weight. c’mon you can’t have it both ways. urgh.

well. i’m wondering if i should sign up for the 100plus saucony marathon. there’s a 5km and a 10km run, i can’t decide which i should go for since i’ve never done marathons before. i wanna challenge myself with 10km but i’m scared i can’t finish it, although i somehow think i can. i’m rather confident about finishing 5km though. it’s just that i don’t like running with people… haha.

AHWELL. we’ll see.

(teardrops on my guitar) …. is probably the song i’m hooked to right now. although i’m not exactly crying on my guitar since i haven’t touched it in ages, and i’ve managed today without even feeling like crying.

thanks minying for staying back with me just to talk at the oasis and take very random photos of me posing as a smurff. HAHA. (:

i thought all i needed was to believe.

exercise makes the world go round. this morning i walked from the bus stop after st marg’s to the bus stop just after the police station because i missed the 961 and the other bus i could take, the 174, was nowhere in sight.

so i walked, and the 174 zoomed past, and i waited at the bus stop before serene for the longest few minutes of my life wondering if i’d wind up being late and going for CWO :/ but i was on time in the end, after running across the overhead bridge, in to school, across the grandstand area, up the accursed slope and across the entire parade square because solaris is just over on the extreme end. (poor terra, lucky aerius. it ain’t fair.)

then i decided to go running after school on a random whim, so that was 2.8km in 17 minutes whoohoo. which is pretty decent considering i wasn’t watching the time all that much and the sun was horrible. i think my tanlines just got abit uglier.

i wish PE was running N number of rounds, own time own pace. just that you must improve or at least maintain every week. that would work perfectly fine. although i guess i have my moods for running and today was just one of them. i didn’t wanna stop but i figured i had homework to do :/

but whatever, i enjoyed the run & felt alot better after sweating it out.

today i was moody, sullen and largely introverted. it didn’t help that i was lost in math once again and my test is next week, or that i didn’t know there was a history essay due tmrw (i thought it was next week). and then to top it all off i lost my favourite pencil. i’m hoping very hard i can find it tomorrow, if not i’m gonna be really miserable. because it’s one of those things that are irreplaceable and yeah, you can’t just walk out to popular and buy another one. not that popular would even have it.

i forgot how much it meant to me till the fear shot through my heart when i couldn’t find it in my pencilcase during debates, and it sucked because it totally killed my mood. ):

-

i didn’t mean what i said this morning, but i meant what i said yesterday.
did i make it that easy for you to walk right in & out of my life?

if you can’t do the math, then get out of the equation.

so after crying myself to sleep last night and being on the verge of tears during math lecture today even though it was my favourite math teacher lecturing and i acutally understood what was going on mostly, i’m back to normal after a whole dosage of laughter.

i’d like to skip over everything bad, but somehow it’s the worst moments that stick out. mondays and tuesdays are often empty for me, then everything gets chionged on wednesday/thursday/friday. eeks >.<

today the fringe was floppy. minying decided to sneak a picture of me before GP but failed to catch me unaware (duh she grabbed my phone and slanted it). PW lecture was spent cam-whoring with minying, grace & audrey.

i like these photos because i actually look happy. although the eyebags were gigantic this morning.

stayed back after PE which was lifting of weights, hung around the canteen eating cookies with nush (i actually ate properly today. HAHA.)then went off to meet grace and hung out at serene talking about why my life isn’t as great as it seems.

dad just called and i’m back on the verge of crying just because i am. i hate being a wimpy weepy brat but i really just can’t help it. i’m not crying but i feel like it. =/

off to yoghurt and maybe i’ll be happier.

-

it’s not always about you, and you wonder why i say what i do.

geniusboy says i think too much. i think it’s an occupational hazard of being a debater.

but thanks for listening to the rants (& for the advice) anyway, grace & the geniusboy. (: