sometimes the truth just can’t be kept in.

i do sometimes wish people could be more sensitive,
could realize when they make a mistake and try not to make a mistake again.

i’ve learnt, the hard way, not to be complacent. or rather, i’m still trying to learn my lesson. i’m still putting off studying certain subjects to the last minute, and i know i shouldn’t, and i’m trying but perhaps not hard enough. but at least i’m aware of my faults.

some people are so warped up in their own world. in this tiny little world that revolves around a few people, and these people in this world are so needy, so sticky, so dependent on each other that the relationship becomes unhealthy, and when your universe revolves around one person… well i think that’s just abit sick.

some people lose their temper more easily than i lose my phone in my bag. (the latter actually happens quite often because there are always alot of things in my bag, and i can never remember where i’ve left my phone.)

some people don’t see the extent of their actions, how they can hurt others, and even after watching the visual spectacle of someone being hurt….. they don’t think they’re wrong.

- they think they’re damn right, that they’ve got a right to be angry, that they are so perfect they can find fault with others.

to you, you know who you are even if you will never read this because you’re too obsessed with yourself and a few select other things (very few, i might add)  – i told you that i think you’re unreasonable. but i guess you think you’re perfectly justified. so be it. you will one day find out how wrong you are, and i hope you find out soon so you can make the changes soon. i pray the people around you will stop indulging you, and stop being even more unreasonable than you, so that perhaps you will realize that shouting does not solve a problem, even if you are north korea and you’re shouting with a nuclear weapon to back you up.

and to everyone else, if you’ve ever hurt someone before, if you’ve ever made someone cry, if you’ve ever been angry and shouted at someone: then i ask you to think today if you really were in the right, and if you should be making amends, not just to that person, but with regards to yourself as well.

but perhaps, it takes someone like bentley drummle to beat the crap out of you before you will be “bent and broken”, hopefully into a better shape.

not so low ris(k)

so today i decided to sort out my life abit.

i gathered my notes from all around the house and into 2 neat piles.
they are now in 6 distinct piles: gp, lit, math, econs, international history, southeast asian history.
minus gp which is tiny, all the other 5 piles are about the same size.
yes, my notes for international history alone (which is a h1 subject) are just as much (no, actually MORE THAN) my notes for economics (which i take at h2 level).

in other news today:
LOL! RT: @stcom Erm, we didn’t know abt it, claim organisers of Miss Singapore World (MSW) Pageant of Ris Low’s credit card fraud conviction. http://bit.ly/BHve1

seriously, i think if Ris Low had any sense of decency, she would relinquishh her crown right now and say SORRY for tarnishing the reputation of MSW and causing future candidates to face more intense scrutiny than ever before, with possibly less sponsorship i.e. remuneration. seriously, what a disgrace and no one is going to sponsor her even, right now.

let’s explore scenarios:
1. she did not know having a conviction means you can’t take part in MSW. this means she did not read the rules & regulations. now that she has found out she isn’t allowed, she should back out since she evidently was not clear about what she was getting into.

2. she DID know what she was getting into BUT did not declare it to organizers…
such a dishonest person definitely SHOULD NOT be allowed to represent singapore!!
i think her singlish is enough to tarnish our image already, don’t need a criminal conviction to strengthen the case against her.

3. she DID know, DID declare, but organizers allowed her to continue…
i suggest we change the person in charge. i sense corruption, but i wouldn’t know.
MORE IMPORTANTLY THOUGH, just because the people in charge her allowed her to continue doesn’t mean that the will be allowed to participate in the main competition. i think people need to read rules & regulations more carefully.

whatever it is; i agree with the stomper who said “please don’t represent singapore, we beg you.”

as one of my overseas friends said, “goodness, she hasn’t done anything right, has she? i went to her wikipedia page and man, i haven’t seen so many negative things posted about a singaporeans ever. surely singapore can do better!”

i agree.

V: I have not come for what you hoped to do. I’ve come for what you did.

helllo world

as i write this, my eyes are red, and i’ve cried over the ending of v for vendetta because the ending is just so, so sad. i have never felt more for a movie. i remember watching it in secondary 4 when it came out, also remember that time because i read george orwell’s 1984, which was resonant in my mind when i was watching v for vendetta.

for those of you who haven’t watched it and want something really good (but not brainless) to watch, v for vendetta is the show for you. which is kinda why i’m not saying why i cried cos i think you should really go watch this very, very awesome show.

and i don’t think most of you will find the ending very sad. at least, not worth crying over. i think i cry over the weirdest things. yeah i sobbed my heart out at the point when the average person would be cheering. OKAY PLEASE WATCH IT AND YOU WILL UNDERSTAND. it’s so good.

yeah and now i’m going to bathe, watch heart of darkness (the movie) and studying for my favourite subject, lit, starts tomorrow

meanwhile -

prelims are almost over, only one paper left. this week has been the toughest week of this year for me. i think there were harder times last year, like the week of NDC where everything crashed down on me, or some week in july, or some week in december where i felt like nothing was okay. this week, as i completed my h3, i felt a sense of hopelessness i have never, ever felt before. i was so, so lost. i was tired, burnt out, and i had to juggle one paper every day alongside finishing that paper.

when i finally finished it, it took a while to sink in. studying continued. but now i realize i’ve handed up a little piece of my life to be examined. i’ve handed in a piece of work that is intensely personal to me, because in doing this piece of h3, i’ve realized alot. from the start, to the end, i have learnt more about literature, i have learnt more about myself, and i have learnt more about where my limits are, and the best thing i’ve learnt from all of this is that my friends will always be there to catch me when i fall, and God is always just a prayer away, which basically means the means to calming down just takes a few minutes to just remember… to trust. among other things. (that i don’t do enough)

but seriously, if not for johnson, grace & basil i don’t think i would have been able to make it through this week, to have the strength to keep on going, to keep on trying, to remember that God is sovereign over everything, to remember God’s place in my life.
so. thank you.

i cannot wait for wednesday when i will finally, finally be free.

till then, i’ll be living it up as good as it gets, studying about colonialism, war and martyrdom. first two topics are just like history, not sure if that’s good or bad but yeah.

sunday secrets.

took this off postsecret, think this is something everyone around me would take care to remember in this time of exams.
msg in church today was about “love not the world” and i realized quite abit about being worldly and why its bad and how i’m going to avoid it and of course, why i should avoid it obviously.

anyway today i hit a new low when i did a math paper from TJC and scored less than 20 for it when math is about 4 days away. yeah but i believe that between now and then, miracles can happen.

there’s something ’bout the way, the street looks when its just rained.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRACE!!!

<33 BEST FRIENDS FOREVERRR!

–
oooh today was awesome!!
Okay last night was bad, i crashed out :/
so tonight i will try to sleep early BUT IT NEVER WORKS OH DEAR.

dance this morning!!! i just realized that if i go to UK, i won’t be able to participate in the dance recital next december… which means last december’s one was my last.
i never thought about that when i was performing. although i’m pretty sure i gave it my all, still

but anyway dance today was good!! although the dance is pretty challenging, we’ve been doing it for a few months already so its getting easier to handle, in a way.

lunch with dad, then lots of quality bonding time with daddy
went to popular and bought a whole range of highlighers so now my pencilcase is gonna have to be emptied abit cos its just a little bit too full at the moment HAHA.

dad’s gone off to china for the rest of the month, feels odd to have the weekends to myself. then again, i’m sure i’ll fill it up! as i have done so before.

haha i happened to be looking at the website of my primary school (cos someone was showing me something) and i found out that they have a musical coming up, and they’ve invited their distinguished alumni, in this case irene ang, to perform in it. SO EXCITING!! perhaps one day i will be distinguished alumni too
but i do want to go back to theatre. i’ve been so, so far away from it… (okay actually its only been 7 months.)

HAHA.

on a side note, went to the library today and saw this book review about this book entitled “an abundance of katherines” by john green. ‘cos this guy keeps falling for girls named katherine. the book seemed interested enough so i flipped around and saw this:

its about the guy who misses katherine #19 so much that … well, he just shatters. and the way he writes abuot how he misses her, and why he misses her… i guess i’m just a total sucker for romance but the sentence that struck me the most was the last one in that paragraph.

you can love someone so much, he thought. but you can never love people as much as you miss them.

it brought to mind something from catherine lim’s a leap of love, where the protagonist, li-ann makes a witty quip about how, in love letters, the most common word isn’t “love” but “miss”.

and i guess those words just screamed out at me.
can you miss someone more than you love them? i think you can. and i think missing someone is the most heartwrenching feeling. i hate watching people walk away from me, unless i know they’re coming back in the near future i.e. next 5 minutes.
otherwise, i’m just filled with some sort of sadness.

the kind of emptiness that nothing much else manages to fill, really.

i’ve realized though, that setting yourself up with high hopes, and always hoping that things will turn around for the better, or for some pleasant surprise… just leads to more heartache and tears. hoping, wishing… these are all things the idealist does, but unless an idealist finds another idealist, these are also things that could break your heart.

the only thing you can do is have a faint hope, somewhere at the back of your mind, that something pleasant is going to happen, and that hope keeps you going whenever times are bad. and makes the rare surprise one that really matters.

yeah. just a thought.

there are answers we’re not wise enough to see;

ben folds five. is suddenly coming back to me again.

today i told grace about my nightmares. somehow they’ve gone away for now.
last night i didn’t want to sleep because after 3 night of nightmares, i didn’t want another one.
but i guess those are my 3 greatest fears.

no; but what was the worst was last night, when suddenly, an… epiphany of sorts struck me.
i don’t even know if what hit me, hit me like a boulder, is even true but something, something i couldn’t explain, suddenly explained itself.

i don’t think anyone can really understand how painful it is to have an old wound torn open, without warning… and finally finding explanation for how that wound came about in the first place. but not knowing, still not knowing, if that really is the reason…

… and when the truth hits you, it screams like the roar of the ocean in your ears.
but this is different.
the roar fills not just your ears but every single part of your very being with a heart wrenching sadness because the truth hurts.

i never could understand what happened, and even now, with this new theory that i just feel might be why, i don’t know if it’s true and there’s no way i can find out, because it’s not my secret. and it was a secret in the first place that’s why i didn’t understand it and; i don’t think i want to find out either. the truth hurts.

dreams are really what your subconscious mind thinks about and in this case, with the horrifying nightmare in the morning and the thought that struck me at night, it’s like part of the puzzle was pieced together and.

i am just going to focus on everything else but that, repress that thought like i’m so good at running away from everything, and when i finally have to face it, if my nightmare just comes true, then my entire world will fall apart. but it will be put back together in better shape so;

let’s just wait and see what the future holds.

lost & insecure, you found me, you found me;

spent today at starbucks on my lit h3!!
hopefully i can get a decent first draft out soon instead of just point form and the listing that i’m currently doing :/

school starts tomorrow – and im not looking forwad to it.
although i kind of would like my results back because suspense is not a state i like to live in.

beyond that, i am somehow very tired and i predict my lack-of-sleep state will return once i start school properly sigh. shall (seriously) sleep early tonight.

i’ve been having very weird dreams. and horrifying nightmares. last night i dreamt that i got into UCL but it turned into a nightmare because i was forced to stay and the pain that i felt was so real that… i get the premonition that if i do get into the UK, something like that might just happen? but i hope that if i do get in, nothing will stop me from going :/

ever i will sing, only You will i adore.

political decisions can sometimes be very hard to understand, sarah palin’s recent resignation remains one of them. i think she should just quit, and take care of her family. she’s incredibly young, and if she successfully takes care of her family, HER loved ones bnefit, something she apparently claims is so important. and then, after that, she can go focus on her career.

ahwell whatever.

my old black pumps, although pretty, are falling apart. okay they aren’t that old, i’ve only had them for like, 7 months… BUT they have been used so much they are falling apart soooo agenda for next week = new pumps!

today i realized that the future, the one that lies at the end of junior college, is a one full of oppurtunity, and one that i’ve been looking forward to my entire life.

i just pray that i won’t be stubborn and make the wrong decision.

be careful of what you do;

i thought it was a prank, some suspicious rumour, that michael jackson, the undisputed king of pip, was dead.
its just like how people of elvis presley’s time could not believe he was dead, the same way how i still can’t really believe michael jackson is dead. like, perhaps there’s some consipracy theory, somewhat.

went to watch a chinese orchestra concert! which was good. i am learning to appreciate chinese music. undeniably though, percussion is one of the most important things to me in a piece of music.

today i was looking through some old stuff and found, wedged between 2 pages in the book, bible verses that got me through promos. that i somehow remember now still but yet somehow don’t follow enough. don’t trust enough.

matthew 6:34 – “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own.”

today the trouble was about forgiveness – i know i can, but i don’t know if you can.

so i look to You; for no one else will do.

today i played the 5-star playlist and just let it run. old favourites came out.
really, really old songs came out that i forgot that i had, like chinese music?
and good charlotte. i remember ripping good charlotte albums off mich.

i’m getting wayy to little sleep. today i woke up with swollen eyes because i rubbed my eyes too much last night. because i stayed up to play samurai sudoku…
which is this super-sudoku, a 5-in-1 mega-sudoku thing.

even if your heart would listen, doubt I could explain.

its the little things that matter. the small things you remember.
for better, or for worse.

i think its about time i do some photo printing for my wall