no, the sweetness will not be concerned with me

-gp lecture. AND SCHOOL IS OUT!! WHEE!!
-realized after bloghopping i missed the end of term mass at every IJ sch. shall go back for ‘em someday.
-lunch at aston’s! with darling B
-making good progress in reading the golden compass! more than halfway through already. the plot is drawing me in, deeply.
-debates BBQ!! was quite fun

TIRED NOW. just did notes on FB LOL.

-

on a sadder note:

jimmy eat world is a good band with music worth listening to-
but sometimes listening to it makes me thoughtful and all emo.
because it reminds me of a million and one things.

and sometimes, a certain line of the lyrics from some random song jumps out at me.
like something from the past that was always there, but i never saw it.
and hearing it, now, when it’s all too late,  just makes me full of regret.

sadness that i never understood you the way you understood me.
or maybe i did, just in a different way.
but as i look back at the past 3 years, you were there for all my tears.
(‘cept that ones you caused.)

AH ITS MADNESS SOMETIMES.
(and i don’t know how to tell you either, but i hope you read this.
and know that i’m talking about you.)

i said alright, alright, alright. you make the calls tonight.

i want to watch 17 again!!!

anyway i saw the cutest thing today.
i was on the bus, and there were 2 kids, about 4 or 5 years old.
the tiny type, the type who, when they’re not screaming and irritating everyone, are just absolutely adorable, lovable, cute.

and these 2 kids were sitting opposite each other, and they managed to communicate in some form of baby language.
i got down with both the kids at my stop, and as the parents carried the kids and walked in opposite directions, the kids just could not stop staring at each other.
perhaps one day they’ll meet again, and fall in love properly this time.

there are times i really wonder what the concept of true love is,
and how everyone has different view on what’s right and not,
so ultimately, what is right? who is right?

are there ever absolutes?
but if there are always exceptions, why have a rule?

sometimes, i think too much. i try to handle too many things. i want a break.
i want to run away to some unbeknownst corner and just cry.
want to stay home and sleep. spend time with my cat.

do a million things, all at once.
(and perhaps, die trying.)

okay i’m just being random and emo. i think i really quite badly need sleep.

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You know you got me off my highest guard.

i was so exhausted that upon reaching home, i promptly dozed off on the couch and slept through quite a few messages.
only waking up an hour later when mum came back with yoghurt
feeling quite drowsy now.
and this is BEFORE i take my medication haha.

anyway, BIG NEWS TODAY.

my lit h3 research proposal…. HAS BEEN APPROVED
i thank God that it managed to come back with a tick, and not a “no you need to find another topic”.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

oh and on another note.
i also think that lately. i might be a little too frank on the wrong things, and not serious enough, or politically correct enough, perhaps too informal on some thing, so yeah. i think i need to be abit more serious. i find that i can slip back and forth but i can’t joke around for the rest of my days that would not be quite desirable.
so yes, no more being self-deprecreating.

and….i am really tired!! ):
so glad that tomorrow we start later.
even though we’re being cheated of the half day :X

today i went back in time to listen to secondhand serenade.
i was really into that, over a year ago. seems so far away.
too distant for me to remember clearly.
now the songs are just somewhat familiar lyrics to hear.
i guess everything changes, even if we want things to stay the same.
sometimes, i guess, it’s for the better.

my facebook pictures are not uploading properly.
it takes super long, and at the end of it, the upload fails.
I am quite depressed about it!

my heart’s crippled by the vein that i keep on closing.

something isn’t right, i’m just not sure what.
i feel like i’m at fault here somewhere.
like i’ve failed.
like i haven’t been able to live up to what i was supposed to do.

and of course, the guilt.

i want to go sit somewhere, where i can see the stars,
hear the sound of the sea,
and just stay there, until sunrise.
(and then stay there and tan the whole day so i won’t be so awfully pale and white! ahaha.)

yeah.
i feel like i’m running away from my problems.
i feel the whole escapism thing coming on.
except maybe, it’s time to grow up, and face it head on instead.

sometimes it just feels better to give in.

19.01.07
that was 2 years ago. (this post comes one day late.)

as yet unnamed.

you know, there are certain events that change your life.
or those that form a cornerstone to the person you are.
this, was one of them for me.

yesterday was one of those good days.
i’ve been having alot of them good days.
not perfect, but then again no day is ever perfect.
honestly, i think i’m just so, so blessed.

hung out with estella and had serious talks,
dinner with B,
and to top it all off, a 3.2km run (:
my timing was bad, but it felt good to run.
it kinda feels good to have aching legs right now, too.

today was a not-so-good day.
my lit h3 proposal was rejected and i think i’m screwed up, big time.
yeah and right now i could cry just thinking about the numerous things i’ve to do. i could seriously promise myself never to procrastinate again, but then it wouldn’t work.

yeah but i guess i’ve realized alot of things over the past few days.
i’ve talked about alot of things that were troubling me, and thought about important stuff i was running away from.

cny is coming soon! but suddenly, i’m not so excited anymore. :X
i wish it was like, another few weeks away.

cause i don’t think that they’d understand.

i… don’t know what to say. (okay i thought of something. warning: emo rant ahead.)
i keep typing, and backspacing, and over and over again.
i can feel the life in me dying with each passing day.

things are gonna look up soon, i think
or they’re just going to get worse and i’m going to be clinging on for dear life
a thousand thoughts are passing through my head

i don’t want to face next year
i was always bad at goodbyes

I will never let you fall
I’ll stand up with you forever
I’ll be there for you through it all
even if saving you sends me to Heaven
It’s okay.

your guardian angel was my theme song this same time last year
and now it’s oddly ringing in my head again

chocolate and donuts aren’t salvaging the situation
all the lines, dance moves, songs are ringing in my head
the lines i want to say to you resound over and over
and over again i know i’ll never say them to you

this is where i stop making sense.

today never happened before.

get me out of here;

i wish dance class was more than once a week, and/or more than just an hour per session -
but like i could commit to anything more.
i love dancing, even though i’m not really good in it, but what i lack is practice, really. and focus.
maybe i should have joined dance, somewhere along the way.

i’m sick of all the what ifs, all the things i don’t ever get enough time to do, sick of wasting away, of staying up too late and eating too much and not sleeping enough, not running enough, -
there is so much more i want from this life than i’m getting.

lunch with dad after dance. i wish i could spend the september hols in JB with daddy. hopefully i get to spend some time during the year end holidays. sigh.

;and i’m struggling with everything, all those feelings inside that i can’t just throw away, or run from.

i feel emo. i think it’s the rain that’s making me think, all those unspeakable thoughts that i wish i could put into a jar and throw into the sea, or at the stars.

just a random thought;

at the stars (better than ezra)

Maybe I should drop you at your door, or leave tonight and vanish up the shore.
Anywhere but here.

It’s three o’clock we’re driving in your car,
You’re screaming out the window at the stars, “Please don’t drive me home!”

Blame us ’cause we are who we are, hate us ’cause you’ll never get that far.
And who’d suppose you would go? I’ve already learned enough to know.

Tell me all the places we could go and count the headlights passing on the road,
A long, long time ago.

Here we are, foreign to their world, straight and composed.
Your sermons I can do without
And I finally found that everybody loves to love you when you’re far away.

Could it be we’ve done something wrong?
We’d make it home to your place before dawn
“Please, don’t drive me home.”
“Please, don’t take me home.”

but i have no clue, how to get through to you.

perhaps i’m just ungrateful; all i want to do is curl up, safe and warm, and sleep for about 18 hours without being disturbed and without waking up because my body system is so screwed up.

even though today wasn’t actually that bad.

minh played the guitar, i sang along, not just “singapore town” but other songs too. life should be that simple. about singing and dancing and debating.

and going out with the people i love.

today, i got a very belated birthday present today of earrings and a cute handphone pouch!! thanks (:

i’m so thankful for yu hung and in-y trying so hard to cheer me up, because i was so tired i was just stoning there. it’s an ironic reversal of roles- i’m such a far cry from the rahrah OGL who never ran out of energy. i love solaris still though (: and i’ve been sacrificing ALOT for the NDC rehearsals, so i really hope it turns out good this friday!

there’s alot happening, and all this rubbish is affecting me more than it should. i think it’s about time to shelve this part of my life away, as i’ve done so before, and focus on what’s more important.

i’m falling sick, i feel awful, and all i really want is a long break from school and life in general, holing myself up away from realiity. doesn’t seem very possible to me. not even if it’s a short break. ):

even though my heart is torn, i will praise You in the storm.

everything seems to be going wrong.

i don’t know how i can still manage to go around with a smile on my face, having so much fun with my life,

when i’m losing it.

i just want to curl up into a ball, hide in some corner, and cry my life away. but i’ve learnt that doesn’t solve the problem, and i have to stop crying so much.

so i’ll be strong, and just trust that everything will go fine in the end, like it always does.

i want to run away from reality, run a hundred rounds around the track, swim another hundred laps, tap dance/random dance around to sounds from mika, skip a hundred times and maybe i’d be happier after that.

or maybe i’d come back to even more work, and that sometimes things just don’t work out.

i’m not sure how much more i can take before i go berserk and take a day off snoozing and tanning on sentosa pretending that i don’t have a life out to live beyond that “island life”.

that thought’s actually funny.