sometimes, i’m scared that i will never be good enough for anything.
especially that i am just inherently not. good. enough. for everything i want.
everything i’m trying to do.
just. not. there. yet.
this is where i hit rock bottom. and pressure descends like… i don’t know, i can’t think of suitable metaphor at the moment. the air in a syringe, the level of pressure in a pressure cooker, i don’t know, i feel so sad right now. not lost, just sad.
i’m trying. don’t i get any points for that?
my life is in the pitz. seriously the pits. yesterday was only the start.
the return of results looks set to be one long nightmare lasting over the next fortnight or so.
my eyes are tired of crying already.
today i read through my old messages from last november and december.
last year was like, a golden year for me. this year, i don’t even think i can count it as bronze.
i am 18 years and 1 month old, and i don’t really know what to do with my life at the moment.
except just hope that tomorrow (seriously, tomorrow!!) will be better.
i don’t think i can sink any lower, but then again.
if i continued to be so pessimistic i would spend my life in an ice cream parlour.
preferably an ice cream parlour with a donut shop on one side and a chocolate shop on the other.
i don’t actually know how to not feel depressed at the moment.
which is odd because nothing really gets me down, usually.
except when really important people to me kind of like hurt me in some other way or another, but currently all the important people, and all the other friends, are trying really hard to cheer me up. BTW, i really appreciate it 
that is all that saves me from DESPAIR.
i can’t help but hope that things will turn around but i doubt they will;
although they really do need to AND.
i have a feeling i’m gonna be fat by the end of this fortnight from all that eating.
like today, dearest darlingest B came down all the way from the east coast to cheer me up
after an onslaught of incoherent messages from me worried him greatly.
and we had island creamery ice cream YUMMIEZ!!
(i am carrying around chocolate in my bag FROM NOW ONWARDS. for emergencies.)
reese’s is (currenntly) the best thing on earth.
i am assured that something even better is going to come along soon though (!!) and that thought is probably one of the more redeeming factors about the near future.
everything else about the future just makes me want to cry some more.
-
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
am trying very hard to RUMMAGE THROUGH MY WARDROBE to find something nice, decent and THIS should actually not be THAT hard but i’m being really picky because this feels like a job interview ‘cept that i really need to STOP FREAKING OUT (and say that to myself a few more times too and actually mean it) ‘cos i’m just you know, thinking too much as usual and being a WORRIER and just.
…
(whatever. i need to calm down. what’s the worst that could happen? well, nothing that could keep me down.}
-
okay but today, minus the preparations (i.e. worrying) for tomorrow, was quite good
CG outing was quite fun, celebrated lavania and estella’s birthday.
then youth was quite good too 
lovelovelove worship sessions. just sing and just. yeah.
i like that
and now i shall go prepare myself for Tomorrow.
i shouldn’t, couldn’t ask for anything more than this -
i’m thankful for today.
(even though my face is in a really bad state.)
there are so many choices that we have to make everyday,
and some ultimately will impact us more than others.
alot, alot more.
but its the small choices that affect the bigger decisions and -
sometimes i’m not quite sure what i’m doing either.
other than messing up my life and trying to fix that mess.
I HATE BEING GROUCHY.
I GET INTO THE WHOLE I-HATE-WORLD MOOD.
i’m not sure if people around me are just being more annoying and unbearable than usual, or if i just have a low threshold.
i wish life could be spent eating waffles and laughing and not thinking about the 1347897 other things that are supposed to matter, not bothering about the 12342809 other things that people do that annoy/worry me, and just forgetting about the remaining 4857298437 things that i should be doing.
i should be happy. but coming back to reality is not a pleasant jolt.
i want to watch 17 again!!!
anyway i saw the cutest thing today.
i was on the bus, and there were 2 kids, about 4 or 5 years old.
the tiny type, the type who, when they’re not screaming and irritating everyone, are just absolutely adorable, lovable, cute.
and these 2 kids were sitting opposite each other, and they managed to communicate in some form of baby language.
i got down with both the kids at my stop, and as the parents carried the kids and walked in opposite directions, the kids just could not stop staring at each other.
perhaps one day they’ll meet again, and fall in love properly this time.
there are times i really wonder what the concept of true love is,
and how everyone has different view on what’s right and not,
so ultimately, what is right? who is right?
are there ever absolutes?
but if there are always exceptions, why have a rule?
sometimes, i think too much. i try to handle too many things. i want a break.
i want to run away to some unbeknownst corner and just cry.
want to stay home and sleep. spend time with my cat.
do a million things, all at once.
(and perhaps, die trying.)
okay i’m just being random and emo. i think i really quite badly need sleep.
FER CAME DOWN TO NJ TODAY
absolute awesomeness. made my (otherwise quite lousy) day
we watched the acjc vs dhs soccer match. and soccer is actually quite interesting.
today, i really wished i could redo last year.
i’d go watch the soccer nationals. i’d go watch the softball nationals.
i’d do my math homework.
i’d… treasure what i’ve got in front of me.
i guess i need to be contented. stop being so picky. overanalytical.
but sometimes, i want to be contented too, but i don’t think it’s just my fault :/
SIGH.
i am so tired that i keep falling asleep! and i am such a BUM.
i am going to sleep early so i can stop feeling so tired.
i think a lack of sleep SEVERELY affects my emotional state ):
okay but i know this – next year, i dont wanna regret what i’ve done this year.
on another note, 2.4km run today was ohkay. i ran under 14
but its a not very good timing. 13mins 50 seconds which is a deprovement from last year, but still good considering that i havent really been running.
i miss running.
maybe the lack of exercise is screwing up my brain.
i felt really frustrated today. i think i’m very slowly going mad with the lack of sleep.
so much for a good start to the day. there was drizzle and i wanted to run but i suddenly feel like i’m really slow and should just stop trying to be fast. maybe i’ll never get there.
i managed to get my PI settled (now i just have to write it), although this whole emo bout came over and i just wanted to run away into a corner and bawl my eyes out. sometimes i think i’m just a kid that hasn’t grown up completely yet.
if i don’t kill myself in my prime i’ll someday look back on this and laugh.
but i guess just like the song goes, sometimes love just ain’t enough.
homework calls. my motivation to work is the timtam i stocked up from a visit to NTUC on my way home, plus healthy low fat yoghurt. yumyum.
i would love it that tomorrow’s friday, but it brings with it a whole new set of problems (like more, more, more and more homework), including that of how… i have nationals on saturday. and it’s make or break.
enough said.
i can make it through this. - i’ve got God on my side(:
today was sweat and tears.
i ran my 2.4km in 13 minutes and 44 seconds. it’s my personal best, give or take 2 seconds. for someone who runs twice a week that’s pretty decent.
perhaps when i get back to training i’ll aim to be comfortably under 13, instead of 14.
i cried during break, i cried in the evening, i cried till my eyes were sore, i cried my heart out.
but i guess i feel better now. and i’ve got it all sorted out.
i’m happy with what i’ve got, but i guess nothing can erase what’s been done.
you can ease the pain as the years go by, and maybe i’m numbed but it still hurts.
at least i’m still clearheaded when i need to be. and hopefully this trend of crying doesn’t continue.
i think i lost too much salt today.
donuts for dinner rocked, it was a random whim haha. spotlight shopping for minying’s VA stuff.
debates > homework. half day tomorrow will be a mini food fiesta for the team.
rooftops with grace&jon. jon took the pic. absolutely random. (:
donuts rock. ’nuff said.
considering how it’s double math and double GP tomorrow, which equates to a very very painful double whammy, debates is the only thing that i’m going to school for. feel the love man <3!
the donuts are understated in this photo, but they’re glazed with sugar. yumyum.
today’s the 1st of march 2008, and i’m gonna mark it as the day i’m gonna try, not for the first time, to give my life to God.
to try and turn away from sin, and to make God the centre of my life.
i think this time i’ll actually succeed, because i’m sick of crying, i’m sick of doubting, i’m sick of all the halfhearted attempts i make to follow our awesome God. but the lady i was talking to today made a good point; you can’t trust someone unless you know them … and i never got past reading the first chapter of the bible.
well, that’s resolution . to read the bible. resolution 2 is to be nice to those people i have issues with, starting with those in my class. i can’t be their best friend, but i’ll skip the biting comments. (: and resolution 3 is to start going to church, at least to youth since it’s in the afternoon.
yesterday was the happiest day one of the happiest days in my life. i got what i wanted, i bummed out with my friends, i ran the fastest i’ve ever run in my entire life, and maybe for once my dad was really truly happy with me.
then came midnight, a quarrel with my mum, and the realization that i’ve lost close friends to the pursuit of … academia; next thing i know my pillow’s soaked with tears, and half a dozen smses later i’m sobbing my entire heart into a box of tissues, crying myself to sleep and waking up barely 6 hours later by a call about something entirely unrelated to me, then crawling back to sleep for another 2 hours before waking up to go for dance with swollen eyes.
it’s times like these, those at the top and those at the pits, that you realize alot of things. like how the people who are happiest for me aren’t my nonplussed family, but my surrogate family of friends. and how i know i can always count on geniusboy in the middle of the night to remind me that i only get one family in this life, so i should make the most out of it. thanks, gb, for trying so hard to cheer me up.
meltdown part || came in the car with dad, it was horrible because i was on my way to youth and tried so hard to stop crying but the tears kept welling up, and then at church i nearly started crying right in the middle of praise & worship. after the very inspiring talk though, and the decision to really try to be a Christian in every sense of the word, i think maybe i had no tears left to cry, but whatever i was calmer.
i think my emotions need to reach an octet structure (yes ms selva has taught me well) so they’ll be more stable and i’ll be less moody and emotionally unstable and on the verge of tears.
well dinner with nush, gwen, jon, matthew, bandana & linh after youth. gill came along after i finished apocamuffin and went off with nush. bandana & linh left early. so it was just gwen jon matthew and i who went to candy empire and found apocacookie/ apocabiscuit, which is basically abit of hell squeezed into pastry. i think aopocamuffin was nice though. tasted healthy heh.
thank goodness i went running yesterday though, carl’s junior PLUS kfc do not make a good mix in the healthy lifestyle equation >.<
