why’s it always gotta be so hard?

math today was traumatising. so was econs yesterday. more for econs

studying hasn’t been entirely all that miserable. but i think it’s cause i’ve been quite slack… which might explain why the papers weren’t done very well

still. i guess its a lesson learnt. yesterday i had ice cream, today i have chocolate to cheer me up. i tried going to sleep when i came home, cos i felt so tired, but couldn’t sleep
more hardcore studying starts tomorrow. tonight i shall try to work on h3.

went to NUS library yesterday (: borrowed like 10 books?!?! haha i think i could stay in that library for days and days and just read myself to death!!

anyway. this (http://mycakies.blogspot.com/2009/08/its-not-my-story.html) is probbaly the sweetest thing i’ve read in a while!! a really original idea also. and superr… sensitive!! haha.

and now i shall… try to stop stoning!

all the cards begin to stack up;

my life is in the pitz. seriously the pits. yesterday was only the start.
the return of results looks set to be one long nightmare lasting over the next fortnight or so.
my eyes are tired of crying already.

today i read through my old messages from last november and december.
last year was like, a golden year for me. this year, i don’t even think i can count it as bronze.

i am 18 years and 1 month old, and i don’t really know what to do with my life at the moment.
except just hope that tomorrow (seriously, tomorrow!!) will be better.

i don’t think i can sink any lower, but then again.
if i continued to be so pessimistic i would spend my life in an ice cream parlour.
preferably an ice cream parlour with a donut shop on one side and a chocolate shop on the other.

i don’t actually know how to not feel depressed at the moment.
which is odd because nothing really gets me down, usually.
except when really important people to me kind of like hurt me in some other way or another, but currently all the important people, and all the other friends, are trying really hard to cheer me up. BTW, i really appreciate it that is all that saves me from DESPAIR.

i can’t help but hope that things will turn around but i doubt they will;
although they really do need to AND.
i have a feeling i’m gonna be fat by the end of this fortnight from all that eating.

like today, dearest darlingest B came down all the way from the east coast to cheer me up
after an onslaught of incoherent messages from me worried him greatly.
and we had island creamery ice cream YUMMIEZ!!
(i am carrying around chocolate in my bag FROM NOW ONWARDS. for emergencies.)

reese’s is (currenntly) the best thing on earth.
i am assured that something even better is going to come along soon though (!!) and that thought is probably one of the more redeeming factors about the near future.

everything else about the future just makes me want to cry some more.

-

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

nothing hurts, when i go to sleep;

waiting for math papers to be returned today was er, painful.
getting the papers back didn’t make things any better.

somehow, although he was miles away, my dear ol’ pal made his presence felt.
i felt like crying, i felt crushed, i felt a million things but as always, DMZXZ made me feel better… after a while. (THANK YOU. you saved me, as always)

this is the first time in my entire JC life i’ve had to deal with failure. i’ve lived through 18 months without anything crushing my ego, finally in the haven where i never needed to touch those subjects i hated and dreaded. until math turned around and became the enemy.

it stings only because i care, AND it matters. like never before. i didn’t care about phy/chem/bio/geog and i doubt i ever will. HLME for me, all the way. but what happens when you try, and you fail? it hurts. especially since this is my one shot at going overseas that i never knew i wanted so much until it was too late to make sure i’d get what i wanted.

i’ve lived through most of my life not caring – i think i preferred life that way :/

today narcolepsy (by ben folds five) was just SCREAMING through my head and i’m not very sure why either. but it was.

AUDREY <3 brought my reese’s AWESUMZ !!! her sister, cheryl, bought them from the US.
ahh, UK/US have GOOD CHOCOLATE. or rather, good candy yumyum!!
stuffed my face with chocolate during break to just forget about crying and think… more positively.

ran off after school to sakae to meet B for SUSHI BUFFET!!!!!
we had 26 place between us PLUS the red plates and dessert etc! which was just really cool.
binges really do help take your mind of things. and B did a good job of cheering me up too

i’m really grateful for all the people around me. but ATM i am srsly tired (!!) aaaand i have a ton of work to do which i should shoo off and do HAHA BYEBYE.

my heart’s crippled by the vein that i keep on closing.

something isn’t right, i’m just not sure what.
i feel like i’m at fault here somewhere.
like i’ve failed.
like i haven’t been able to live up to what i was supposed to do.

and of course, the guilt.

i want to go sit somewhere, where i can see the stars,
hear the sound of the sea,
and just stay there, until sunrise.
(and then stay there and tan the whole day so i won’t be so awfully pale and white! ahaha.)

yeah.
i feel like i’m running away from my problems.
i feel the whole escapism thing coming on.
except maybe, it’s time to grow up, and face it head on instead.

i can’t take it any longer, thought that we were stronger.

if there exists a criteria, a benchmark, for someone who is a failure as a student,
i’m pretty sure i make the cut.

i made it through today with the help of…
chocolate,
two painkillers,
and coffee, which gave me the runs but at least kept me awake cos i felt so horrible.

i think nowadays i’ve become very irritable.
lack of sleep makes it difficult to be patient.
lots of things annoy me that didn’t used to annoy me before.
what surprises me is that there are things that i can still put up with,
that i thought would have been the first thing that would irritate me.

but still,
sometimes it gets tiring because you don’t realize… stuff.
(and i’m saying you, as in generally/a few people, not a specific person.)

you’ll always be a part of me; i’m part of you indefinitely.

best things about today -

waking up to the rather joyous news that Man U scored a win this morning, so now they’re holders of double championship/league titles. i think that’s really cool! haha.

coming home to listen to david cook sing “always be my baby” over, and over, and over, again. i’m burning it into mp3 format so it goes on my iPod. (first time i’ve ever wished i had video on my iPod, but it’s okay cos i can convert it to mp3 still!)

and then going on american idol to find that my new idol is the new american idol, too!  OMG I HAVE GOOD TASTE. i think i’m in love. i won’t kid myself & say that he’s the cutest guy on earth, BUT EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT HIM IS JUST IRRESISTIBLE.

i think what i love most about those live performances is the different touch it gives to the song, like the violence of the violins in “always be my baby”. i’d never guess that violins could give such a powerful, addictive touch to the song. i’m sad that they scrapped it in the studio version – guitars, despite being string instruments just like violins, are the most cliched way of making a statement in songs. the vocal gymnastics from the performing artistes (not just my favourite david cook, but others too!) is just so truly, very amazing.

if i could ever sing like that, just for one song, i think i’d die very happy.

happy things aside, everything else about my day just sucked -

i’m still sickkkkk. i had a fitful sleep last night, stomach cramps kept me awake, and the room was cold but i was breaking out in sweat. i’ve been breaking out in sweat the whole day, i wonder if it’s cold sweat (but if it is i’m supposed to feel better ! and the fever’s supposed to go away, which it isn’t) or just, sweat cos the weather’s been punishingly hot.

i cleared my rant that i originally typed, ‘cos maybe sometimes it’s better just to rant, and know it yourself.

i’m gonna buck up. and stop slacking. and stop being so childish. today was the wake-up call. it’s not like last year anymore, and considering how i haven’t studied properly for any exam since sec1, maybe now’s a good time to start.

yet i know that their goal is to keep me from falling.

it’s not easy to face failure in the face, especially when it’s the end and you know you screwed up.
i could think of how it could be worse. that’s small comfort.
at least i’m not a bundle of tears.

today i bummed around, the only thing i got done was some overdue powerpoint slide for my mentee. i have 2 overdue presentations that i quite badly need to finish, alongside very overdue homework that i’ve been putting off thanks to nationals.
which are now quite unceremoniously over.

i need to go swimming. and i need to go soak up the sun before i turn into a polar bear.
i also need to stop eating, today has been cookies all the way.

the best part of the day was going running, until i realized that i’ve sacrificed running for debates, and now i can’t run. it was just horrible; i haven’t “lost it” completely but i’m quite close to that.

when i finally stopped running after my usual routine 3 rounds, the inertia hit me and my legs went weak. not a nice feeling, i assure you.

so i finally got the run i was craving, only to find that i am close to … my original standards, before my peak period where i ran 1.6km in 9 minutes and 2.4km in 13 minutes.

i wonder what’s better, to have reached the top and look back at think “i was once there” when you’re unable to keep up, or having never achieved and never having anything to lose anyway.

i think i go for the former.

i’m so glad i get tomorrow off, i’m incapable of sleeping any more than 8 hours now; i think it’s the aftereffects of a lack of sleep. ):

the stars are holding you tonight.

and so we went,

we tried to do our best,

and we lost. to HC. again.

all i have left is a bunch of pretty flowers, a stack of cards with scribbled words on them from the entire season, a pretty trophy that says “1st runners up” and $30 book vouchers from BORDERS.

(which, i’m trying to convince myself, is actually quite a good haul. in the sense that comparatively it doesn’t get much better tan this.)

it’s hard to face a crushing defeat when you’re worn out, sick (in a physical sense of headaches and fevers + a mental sense of fatigue) and you know you’ve done better before.

today was my worst debate this entire season, and no amount of comforting is going to change that.

i’m just grateful we made it to finals, and i was thinking about how i fell sick at the wrong time, how i screwed up the most crucial round, the most final round,

but then again, i’ve done very well this entire season already, i’ve achieved what i set out to, and i’m happy that God gave me this oppurtunity to vindicate myself.

we’ve gone further than we expected, i’ve peaked higher than i could have imagined, and i guess a solace is that i have done myself justice in previous rounds.

and as for today; i’ve cried my eyes sore, bawled my heart out, even though nothing can change that we lost, i’m thoroughly disappointed in myself.

not in my team, but in myself. i won’t go so far as to blame myself for the loss, but i wish i did better.

that being said, it’s over, and i’m glad it is because i’m just too tired to continue. today was just bad.

i feel bad for all my supporters because even our debate against RJ in the semis was a better one; this was just… plain ol’ fatigue wearing in.

and just not being good enough. it’s a harsh reality but we’ve all faced it in our tears.

but thank you anyway –

SUSANNAH MY #1 YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE AND I MISS YOU ):

daddy, mummy & aunty kelly for taking time off their busy schedules just to come down and watch me debate — it was nice seeing you all there.

johnson!! for being so supportive both today and throughout the entire competition. thank youuuu.

MARIA & CLAIRE for the very pretty flowers. i really appreciate it

NJ DEBATE (ALUMNI INCLUDED) for coming down in full-force today, + all the NJ council people + Chris who came down to support us — thank you for cheering for us, because it gave us the strength to hold our heads up high.

special shoutout to BEN, our NUMBER ONE FAN

also thank you to everyone else who wished us luck and for grace & esther who couldn’t be there physically but supported us all the same. in the metaphysical sense.

to my dear teammates — thank you, for being there through it all. i wish it could have been a better end but that we made it to the finals is the true justification of our talent and prowess as a team.

to the best coach in the world: thank you MARK CORDINER OUR VERY PRO COACH, who’s our driving force to push us this far, thanks for taking time off your exams to come down, and thank you for being such a spectacular coach. WE MISSED YOU ):

last but not least- SPECIAL THANKS TO SENIORS who came down on a public holiday to help us prep our case, especially weige for editing our speeches. and for the dinner treat tonight

dinner of pizza hut and then dessert of ben & jerry’s made me feel alot better. especially when i ignore the calories. HAHA. sadly i still feel feverish and that sucks.

finally it’s over and i have time to run, but if i’m sick i can’t run. DANG ): damn smart i am.

sigh goodnight(:

thank you, thank you everyone.

-

this spells failure, big time on a placard and not on a cue card. and everytime someone tells me they’re proud of me it just makes things worse, because i’m disappointing the very people who have faith in me, and that makes the disappointment in myself more intense.

and this is why i hate being a debater, because even words of comfort become something you try to rebutt because you’re convinced that you’re right, that you’re right in that you were wrong, wrong in the sense that you screwed up, and therefore not much goes in.

i’ve realized the most effective thing is just to hug someone and cry. no words involved. i’m just glad i didn’t drool snot all over anyone i bawled on, especially with madhura cause both of us couldn’t stop crying.

it used to feel like dreamin’, except we always woke up.

laughing it out and going all high for a short bout wakes you up, but doesn’t tire you out the way a full run would.

i screwed up my math test, haven’t felt so helpless in ages. won’t be that surprised if i get an egg out of it. GP wasn’t much better, i alternated between wanting to die and wanting to sleep so badly.

along with the people around me, i concluded that i’d rather run 40km or do another 10 math tests
instead of going through GP. i’d rather be stuck in the same lesson with someone i don’t like, than have to go through another GP lesson. omg.

extreme objections. GP should be on mondays so we get half days to cut it out. sigh.

i need to update and charge my iPod, i’ve lost the plug so i have no choice but to charge it with the laptop. today in PW i compared laptops with minh. macbook vs ibook; it’s really really not the same, even though they’re both apple products.

but i plan to get a macbook when this one crashes in a few years time. i will not buy a macbook air because it looks terribly fragile and doesn’t have an optical drive, amongst other failings that minh, quoting PC world, found out. on no account will i want Windows Vista though; it sucks alot now, and i doubt it can ever reach where apple is now, let alone keep up with or overtake apple’s moving forward.

enough PC talk, i’ve realized today that MIDCs quarters and semis are both on saturday, that my schedule looks horrible (aesthetically gorgeous though practically i have no time for rest) as planned out on iCal.

i haven’t gone running in a week, and maybe not in the next week too. i should really pull out of sports meet before i embarrass myself and my house. my legs are getting flabby ):

poned PE today; i was supposed to practice my incline but i ran off and sat on the field looking at the sky instead. with lavania and wanyun and joyce and we were in a square on the very comfy grass. just the rest that i needed.

the field’s nicer with morning dew though, as i experienced during OGL camp. which seems really really really long ago.

ahwell. back to work. i hate homework. anyone going through nationals should have the choice not to do their homework. HAHA.

she heard the trumpets from the military band, and the flowers fell out of her hand.

when under 14 minutes isn’t good enough;
fine maybe i’m aiming too low. or too high.
choose to take the literal or figurative meaning.

but when AABBD isn’t good enough even to pass-
(because i have an F)
it’s not about “not enough”, i didn’t even do one (incline pull up).

and it’s not fair.

i might be am probably fitter than the average person who passes.
and i can’t even use “i’m a heavyweight and therefore can’t lift myself.”
when i flex, it isn’t muscles you see, but the outline of my bone. oh the wow.

school today was so so so pointless. i’m miserable doing math i should just drop to h1.
except then i might as well drop econs too. since i’d flunk it without math.
i hate PW and GP is the drone; the best part of GP is sitting with grace and doing stupid stuff.

i have no idea why i came to school today, to feel miserable and to fail my NAPFA (and have to face retaking. maybe i’ll somehow go below 13 minutes.) and then decide to go off to my run and maybe cheer up, only to start screwing up after 4 rounds because of thigh aches and ending up with a barely under 14 timing and the feeling of underacheivement and failure. =/

oh yeah, there was debates training(: and i can’t deny that i enjoyed most of my run even though i nearly gave up towards the end everything seemed to be going bad =/ and getting the A/Bs for napfa — especially since they were unexpected. i didn’t cry over not making it for incline though, i’ve grown up phew.

okay i’ll quit whining and get back to working. bleaghx D:

-

sometimes i wonder how people like you can make it through every day,
whether it’s always just as fine as it seems,
or if your thoughts are deeper than my dreams.