sometimes the truth just can’t be kept in.

i do sometimes wish people could be more sensitive,
could realize when they make a mistake and try not to make a mistake again.

i’ve learnt, the hard way, not to be complacent. or rather, i’m still trying to learn my lesson. i’m still putting off studying certain subjects to the last minute, and i know i shouldn’t, and i’m trying but perhaps not hard enough. but at least i’m aware of my faults.

some people are so warped up in their own world. in this tiny little world that revolves around a few people, and these people in this world are so needy, so sticky, so dependent on each other that the relationship becomes unhealthy, and when your universe revolves around one person… well i think that’s just abit sick.

some people lose their temper more easily than i lose my phone in my bag. (the latter actually happens quite often because there are always alot of things in my bag, and i can never remember where i’ve left my phone.)

some people don’t see the extent of their actions, how they can hurt others, and even after watching the visual spectacle of someone being hurt….. they don’t think they’re wrong.

- they think they’re damn right, that they’ve got a right to be angry, that they are so perfect they can find fault with others.

to you, you know who you are even if you will never read this because you’re too obsessed with yourself and a few select other things (very few, i might add)  – i told you that i think you’re unreasonable. but i guess you think you’re perfectly justified. so be it. you will one day find out how wrong you are, and i hope you find out soon so you can make the changes soon. i pray the people around you will stop indulging you, and stop being even more unreasonable than you, so that perhaps you will realize that shouting does not solve a problem, even if you are north korea and you’re shouting with a nuclear weapon to back you up.

and to everyone else, if you’ve ever hurt someone before, if you’ve ever made someone cry, if you’ve ever been angry and shouted at someone: then i ask you to think today if you really were in the right, and if you should be making amends, not just to that person, but with regards to yourself as well.

but perhaps, it takes someone like bentley drummle to beat the crap out of you before you will be “bent and broken”, hopefully into a better shape.

(hopefully momentary) insecurities.

sometimes, i’m scared that i will never be good enough for anything.
especially that i am just inherently not. good. enough. for everything i want.
everything i’m trying to do.

just. not. there. yet.

this is where i hit rock bottom. and pressure descends like… i don’t know, i can’t think of suitable metaphor at the moment. the air in a syringe, the level of pressure in a pressure cooker, i don’t know, i feel so sad right now. not lost, just sad.

i’m trying. don’t i get any points for that?

all the cards begin to stack up;

my life is in the pitz. seriously the pits. yesterday was only the start.
the return of results looks set to be one long nightmare lasting over the next fortnight or so.
my eyes are tired of crying already.

today i read through my old messages from last november and december.
last year was like, a golden year for me. this year, i don’t even think i can count it as bronze.

i am 18 years and 1 month old, and i don’t really know what to do with my life at the moment.
except just hope that tomorrow (seriously, tomorrow!!) will be better.

i don’t think i can sink any lower, but then again.
if i continued to be so pessimistic i would spend my life in an ice cream parlour.
preferably an ice cream parlour with a donut shop on one side and a chocolate shop on the other.

i don’t actually know how to not feel depressed at the moment.
which is odd because nothing really gets me down, usually.
except when really important people to me kind of like hurt me in some other way or another, but currently all the important people, and all the other friends, are trying really hard to cheer me up. BTW, i really appreciate it that is all that saves me from DESPAIR.

i can’t help but hope that things will turn around but i doubt they will;
although they really do need to AND.
i have a feeling i’m gonna be fat by the end of this fortnight from all that eating.

like today, dearest darlingest B came down all the way from the east coast to cheer me up
after an onslaught of incoherent messages from me worried him greatly.
and we had island creamery ice cream YUMMIEZ!!
(i am carrying around chocolate in my bag FROM NOW ONWARDS. for emergencies.)

reese’s is (currenntly) the best thing on earth.
i am assured that something even better is going to come along soon though (!!) and that thought is probably one of the more redeeming factors about the near future.

everything else about the future just makes me want to cry some more.

-

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

just a little late; you found me.

not quite sure what i’ve been doing for the past 6 months gah.

but windows open and close, that’s just how it goes.

still sick, now wheezing!! loss of appetite despite occasional hunger pangs.
and to top it off, i’m not studying enough … :/
body feels horrible right now, although i woke up fine and was okay for most of the day.

bible class + service at b’s church + service at my own church = 5 hours straight of God.
which is exhausting but i felt alot better after that, mentally and physically.

my mentor of sorts at church gave me an early birthday present today!!
first birthday present of the year i’m actually quite excited at turning 18 HAHA.
i am trying to resist the urge to open it but later on i think i shall cos i’m just bad at the suspense thing.

after a mega serving of church, and a long time waiting for the 51, ikea lunch
Mushroom soup plusss meatballs yumyum.
but then i started feeling crappy again

-

you’re useless; i’m helpless.
and i can’t see any way out of this but doom.
(no i can’t)

this could be lyrics from any random song on the radio.
i could make a song out of it and i bet it would be good.
sad songs are always easier to write.
angst makes for good music.
i could even come up with a tune right now,
something modeled after “the world you love” by jimmy eat world.

i’m always hoping things will get better,
and i think i’m just always setting myself up for disappointment.

maybe i really should move on;
because you don’t give me enough to hold on to.

and so it is, just like you said it would be.

am trying very hard to RUMMAGE THROUGH MY WARDROBE to find something nice, decent and THIS should actually not be THAT hard but i’m being really picky because this feels like a job interview ‘cept that i really need to STOP FREAKING OUT (and say that to myself a few more times too and actually mean it) ‘cos i’m just you know, thinking too much as usual and being a WORRIER and just.

…
(whatever. i need to calm down. what’s the worst that could happen? well, nothing that could keep me down.}

and tomorrow is mother’s day.
i told dad about my “surprise” plans (second surprise i’ve planned this week)
dad said: since when do you celebrate this kinda thing?
i’ve celebrated the past few father’s days with my dad i think. or at least his birthday.
i think he’s just abit surprised someone is actually caring for my mum because he staunchly refuses to celebrates anniversaries, birthdays and other special days.

funnily enough, i’ve spent quite a few of my birthdays in malaysia because of him.
and this year, the one year i’d really like to spend in singapore, he’s decided it would be nice for me to have a joint celebration with my cousin who’s already drinking alcohol, and can drive too. while i try to stay legal and am not allowed to drive.
EQUITY does not exist, i tell you.

-

okay but today, minus the preparations (i.e. worrying) for tomorrow, was quite good
CG outing was quite fun, celebrated lavania and estella’s birthday.
then youth was quite good too lovelovelove worship sessions. just sing and just. yeah.
i like that

and now i shall go prepare myself for Tomorrow.

all the stars and boulevards aren’t close enough for you.

i shouldn’t, couldn’t ask for anything more than this -
i’m thankful for today.

(even though my face is in a really bad state.)

there are so many choices that we have to make everyday,
and some ultimately will impact us more than others.
alot, alot more.
but its the small choices that affect the bigger decisions and -

sometimes i’m not quite sure what i’m doing either.
other than messing up my life and trying to fix that mess.

I HATE BEING GROUCHY.
I GET INTO THE WHOLE I-HATE-WORLD MOOD.
i’m not sure if people around me are just being more annoying and unbearable than usual, or if i just have a low threshold.

i wish life could be spent eating waffles and laughing and not thinking about the 1347897 other things that are supposed to matter, not bothering about the 12342809 other things that people do that annoy/worry me, and just forgetting about the remaining 4857298437 things that i should be doing.

i should be happy. but coming back to reality is not a pleasant jolt.

let’s go back, back to the beginning.

(be warned: long debate/annoyed/emo rant up ahead.)

so today i watched the midc finals between acjc and vjc.
from the start, i was supposed acjc.
cos i think they’re a very solid team, and i’ve always liked acjc, partially because acjc debaters have always been of a decent (if not excellent) calibre.
and, to a smaller extent, i don’t really like the vjc team.

to be honest, i think there is no pride, no pride at all, in winning when this is your second round in the competition. when you send speakers, all 5 speakers, even your reserves, as people who spoke last year in the competition.
its disgusting.
i think HC beat them in the prelims if im not wrong. HC, with a complete J1 team, beat the school with a whole bunch of J2s. oh dear. how embarrassing. and i was hoping that today, the same humiliation would be enacted on them.
its just like cheating. not to mention how the competition, as the principal proudly announced (he also called the adjudicators “abjudicators”, “tanked” them, and the MIDCS were labelled as “the minister of education debating championship”. wow), was adjudicated by people who were VJC alumni. yes. 75% of them.

i really, really felt sad for the acjc team when they lost. they’re really good, and i really didn’t feel the people on the other side deserved the best speaker (URGH i thought the best speaker was a TERRIBLE speaker. with an equally horrible hairstyle) or even getting ranked. and i think the acjc first prop should have been ranked, she’s really good and she speaks so well, so clearly, and man can she do a good preamble and set-up. impressive.
i guess first speakers generally don’t get ranked highly! sigh.

AH WHATEVER. i don’t know why i’m so pissed.
i guess i’m just annoyed that the people who really, really deserved to win on ANY count, didn’t.
(okay but seeing linus and aletheia was quite good!! i joined AC in cheers. HAHA.)
-

sitting in finals, again, was an emotional rollercoaster ride at some points.
i felt like crying when acjc didn’t win.
and while waiting for the results, i was suddenly brought back to last year, when we were waiting for results.
i fled once the results were announced.

today, i missed debating so, so very much.
i wish i could redo so many things in my life, and while i would love to do a better job of defending my team in the finals, i wouldn’t want to go through the ordeal of last year’s horrifying finals.

i can vividly remember so much of last year’s finals, including, ironically, the moments where everything felt like a blur. i remember the blur itself vividly.
i remember crying in the stairwell.
i remember being super thankful for the best pal ever coming down to support me, and i remember being so distraught after the results were announced, and crying on his shoulder.

alot of finals was crying, disappointment,
the post-midc feeling was one of general sadness.
i never, ever want to feel so lousy again, never ever want to go so low again.

sigh. i am so rarely able to focus on the now.
i’m always wrapped up in the past, too concerned about the future.
but when i’m debating – that’s probably the only time that “now” really matters.

i miss my team more than i ever thought i would.

4 people i can't ever forget.

easy to say, not easy to follow.

something worth thinking about.

He who is not content with what he has will not be content with what he wants.

If you don’t have peace and joy right now where you are in your life, please understand that getting more things will not give you contentment. Instead, you need to seek God, because He is the source of true contentment. Then, once you have established God as the source of your contentment, you can be content in any and every situation.
-

there’s always more. its never enough. 2nd isn’t good enough beause it’s not first, an A isn’t good enough because it’s been scraped, barely, and trim & fit isn’t good enough because it’s not skinny.

sometimes i struggle with myself, and wonder if the problem is from me, from my own discontentment, or because honestly, that particular thing just doesn’t match up.

i guess. i’ve been seeking the wrong things all along.

As we walked we were talking and I didn’t say half the things I wanted to.

FER CAME DOWN TO NJ TODAY
absolute awesomeness. made my (otherwise quite lousy) day
we watched the acjc vs dhs soccer match. and soccer is actually quite interesting.

today, i really wished i could redo last year.
i’d go watch the soccer nationals. i’d go watch the softball nationals.
i’d do my math homework.
i’d… treasure what i’ve got in front of me.

i guess i need to be contented. stop being so picky. overanalytical.
but sometimes, i want to be contented too, but i don’t think it’s just my fault :/

SIGH.
i am so tired that i keep falling asleep! and i am such a BUM.
i am going to sleep early so i can stop feeling so tired.
i think a lack of sleep SEVERELY affects my emotional state ):

okay but i know this – next year, i dont wanna regret what i’ve done this year.

on another note, 2.4km run today was ohkay. i ran under 14
but its a not very good timing. 13mins 50 seconds which is a deprovement from last year, but still good considering that i havent really been running.
i miss running.
maybe the lack of exercise is screwing up my brain.