and until then;

today was well, mixed.
no more results, i’m okay with what i’ve got so far.
very happy for econs, happy for GP, not happy but not depressed over history and math, but slightly worried for math.

and now i’m all tense waiting for lit tmrw.

yesterday my ipod hung and i felt my world FREEZE. i kid you not.
today i decided to leave my options “more open”, as one would say.
tomorrow decides ALOT of what i’ve been fretting about.

i’m kinda terrified, the what-if scares me because i don’t know what else i’d do other than what i’ve planned so far and if i can’t do that i’ll be this lost soul again. but at the same time, i’m glad that it’s come down to the crunch and i can quite calmly decide what exactly i’m going to do, and right now i’m just praying that everything will be alright, but if it doesn’t then it just means i’ve gotta do some rethinking.

but for the record, i thank God for all my grades!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!
i have seen miracles, HUGE improvements (eg up 3 grades for econs), better-than-expected grades (thought i would do badly for GP compre, was convinced i had bombed SBQ for history.. which i kind of did still BUT not as badly as i thought) and surprise grades like for math…………………………………………. which just means i’ve gotta work harder, and i’m taking it in my stride.

i feel abit like how i felt when i was preparing for promos last year. this whole thing, it’s all in God’s hands. the most important thing isn’t your grades, but how you got there, and what kind of person you are.

and i know that all i have, well, it isn’t all As or anything, but anything that looks moderately good, i can say – all glory to God! because it isn’t me. no, definitely not. far from that. it’s by God’s grace.

so yes, thank you God for everything!!!!

all the cards begin to stack up;

my life is in the pitz. seriously the pits. yesterday was only the start.
the return of results looks set to be one long nightmare lasting over the next fortnight or so.
my eyes are tired of crying already.

today i read through my old messages from last november and december.
last year was like, a golden year for me. this year, i don’t even think i can count it as bronze.

i am 18 years and 1 month old, and i don’t really know what to do with my life at the moment.
except just hope that tomorrow (seriously, tomorrow!!) will be better.

i don’t think i can sink any lower, but then again.
if i continued to be so pessimistic i would spend my life in an ice cream parlour.
preferably an ice cream parlour with a donut shop on one side and a chocolate shop on the other.

i don’t actually know how to not feel depressed at the moment.
which is odd because nothing really gets me down, usually.
except when really important people to me kind of like hurt me in some other way or another, but currently all the important people, and all the other friends, are trying really hard to cheer me up. BTW, i really appreciate it that is all that saves me from DESPAIR.

i can’t help but hope that things will turn around but i doubt they will;
although they really do need to AND.
i have a feeling i’m gonna be fat by the end of this fortnight from all that eating.

like today, dearest darlingest B came down all the way from the east coast to cheer me up
after an onslaught of incoherent messages from me worried him greatly.
and we had island creamery ice cream YUMMIEZ!!
(i am carrying around chocolate in my bag FROM NOW ONWARDS. for emergencies.)

reese’s is (currenntly) the best thing on earth.
i am assured that something even better is going to come along soon though (!!) and that thought is probably one of the more redeeming factors about the near future.

everything else about the future just makes me want to cry some more.

-

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

nothing hurts, when i go to sleep;

waiting for math papers to be returned today was er, painful.
getting the papers back didn’t make things any better.

somehow, although he was miles away, my dear ol’ pal made his presence felt.
i felt like crying, i felt crushed, i felt a million things but as always, DMZXZ made me feel better… after a while. (THANK YOU. you saved me, as always)

this is the first time in my entire JC life i’ve had to deal with failure. i’ve lived through 18 months without anything crushing my ego, finally in the haven where i never needed to touch those subjects i hated and dreaded. until math turned around and became the enemy.

it stings only because i care, AND it matters. like never before. i didn’t care about phy/chem/bio/geog and i doubt i ever will. HLME for me, all the way. but what happens when you try, and you fail? it hurts. especially since this is my one shot at going overseas that i never knew i wanted so much until it was too late to make sure i’d get what i wanted.

i’ve lived through most of my life not caring – i think i preferred life that way :/

today narcolepsy (by ben folds five) was just SCREAMING through my head and i’m not very sure why either. but it was.

AUDREY <3 brought my reese’s AWESUMZ !!! her sister, cheryl, bought them from the US.
ahh, UK/US have GOOD CHOCOLATE. or rather, good candy yumyum!!
stuffed my face with chocolate during break to just forget about crying and think… more positively.

ran off after school to sakae to meet B for SUSHI BUFFET!!!!!
we had 26 place between us PLUS the red plates and dessert etc! which was just really cool.
binges really do help take your mind of things. and B did a good job of cheering me up too

i’m really grateful for all the people around me. but ATM i am srsly tired (!!) aaaand i have a ton of work to do which i should shoo off and do HAHA BYEBYE.

there’s something ’bout the way, the street looks when its just rained.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRACE!!!

<33 BEST FRIENDS FOREVERRR!

–
oooh today was awesome!!
Okay last night was bad, i crashed out :/
so tonight i will try to sleep early BUT IT NEVER WORKS OH DEAR.

dance this morning!!! i just realized that if i go to UK, i won’t be able to participate in the dance recital next december… which means last december’s one was my last.
i never thought about that when i was performing. although i’m pretty sure i gave it my all, still

but anyway dance today was good!! although the dance is pretty challenging, we’ve been doing it for a few months already so its getting easier to handle, in a way.

lunch with dad, then lots of quality bonding time with daddy
went to popular and bought a whole range of highlighers so now my pencilcase is gonna have to be emptied abit cos its just a little bit too full at the moment HAHA.

dad’s gone off to china for the rest of the month, feels odd to have the weekends to myself. then again, i’m sure i’ll fill it up! as i have done so before.

haha i happened to be looking at the website of my primary school (cos someone was showing me something) and i found out that they have a musical coming up, and they’ve invited their distinguished alumni, in this case irene ang, to perform in it. SO EXCITING!! perhaps one day i will be distinguished alumni too
but i do want to go back to theatre. i’ve been so, so far away from it… (okay actually its only been 7 months.)

HAHA.

on a side note, went to the library today and saw this book review about this book entitled “an abundance of katherines” by john green. ‘cos this guy keeps falling for girls named katherine. the book seemed interested enough so i flipped around and saw this:

its about the guy who misses katherine #19 so much that … well, he just shatters. and the way he writes abuot how he misses her, and why he misses her… i guess i’m just a total sucker for romance but the sentence that struck me the most was the last one in that paragraph.

you can love someone so much, he thought. but you can never love people as much as you miss them.

it brought to mind something from catherine lim’s a leap of love, where the protagonist, li-ann makes a witty quip about how, in love letters, the most common word isn’t “love” but “miss”.

and i guess those words just screamed out at me.
can you miss someone more than you love them? i think you can. and i think missing someone is the most heartwrenching feeling. i hate watching people walk away from me, unless i know they’re coming back in the near future i.e. next 5 minutes.
otherwise, i’m just filled with some sort of sadness.

the kind of emptiness that nothing much else manages to fill, really.

i’ve realized though, that setting yourself up with high hopes, and always hoping that things will turn around for the better, or for some pleasant surprise… just leads to more heartache and tears. hoping, wishing… these are all things the idealist does, but unless an idealist finds another idealist, these are also things that could break your heart.

the only thing you can do is have a faint hope, somewhere at the back of your mind, that something pleasant is going to happen, and that hope keeps you going whenever times are bad. and makes the rare surprise one that really matters.

yeah. just a thought.

hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you’ll be alright

i feel abit like being in a pressure cooker, and i’m abit scared that one day i’ll lose control and all the thoughts i’ve been trying to suppress will mount and overflow and i’ll just spontaneously combust.

no, but i’m thankful that. God always provides. so althoght i get my stupid anxiety attacks i calm down in the end.

but stiiiilllll.

the fray is calming. stuff like “heaven forbid” and “you found me”. is good stuff.
music is the <3.

adrift.

i think too much.
waaaaaaaaay too much.

not enough trusting. not enough “doing”, just thinking.
thoughts flying around in mid air with nothing to anchor them down.

-

…when i should be the happiest girl around right now. but i am happy. it just comes in bouts, when i remember how blessed i am that i have the most awesome bffs in the worlddddd, and how much i am totally in love with someone who loves me back and sometimes, it just feels so very good to be in love, and i’m so thankful to God for everything that i have.

but sometimes. its just hard to remember all that. somehow.
i’d rather look back instead of look forward, think about what i’ve lost, what i’m missing, i play the comparative game, and nothing matches up, and it just makes me even sadder, i just wish we were back to the crazy times of last year, staying out late and going crazy, and and oh i hate coming home. i was so happy until i came home and then my house just has such horrid, negative vibes!

-0

okay. decisions. decisions. dmzx you’re gonna hate me for not listening to you because you’ve always proven right in the end, and i’m sorry but, i really hope this time, i’m makin the right choice.

i’m gonna quit being negative, gonna quit complaining, going to take the word “Useless” out of my vocabulary because everyone tries, no one is useless. really. and if i can’t get that word out of my head nothing will ever be enough, and i’ll just be unhappy foreverrrr because i’m just so bloody unreasonable sometimes so yes -

from today, i will think positive. today we start anew. the way we started out once upon a time, 4 months ago, – and this time, i’ll put God first every step of the way. because the only reason why we have anything at all is all thanks to God in the first place.

no more crash and burn, no more. no more tears, ‘cept those of joy.
i’m going to be happy, properly.

don’t you know your love is the sweetest sin?

it’s a few hours to go before i turn 18,
and right now, i feel like there are a thousand voices in my head telling me what to do.
actually, so far, there are just 5 voices, discussing a total of 2 directions.

go on, or stop and turn back. i’m not sure what will hurt more.

but i know that i’m tired of giving, giving, giving and have nothing coming back.
i know that i don’t want my life to end up like that.

i’m all about signs, and knowing exactly where i’m going.
but sometimes, that isn’t possible. signs don’t appear on demand.
yet i’m tired of drifting. i want something to anchor me down.
or maybe not. i don’t really know what i want sometimes.

boys like girls is the new crazeee. but i still love jimmy eat world to the maxx.
lived on that while i was in malaysia.
kinda wish i was back there. a peaceful, quiet life.

i should be happier. well. i’m secretly quite excited about tomorrow!
just… thoughtful. and thoughtful usually means sad cos i’m overly pessimistic.
AHWELL.

goodbye 17! although it was really nice being 17

but windows open and close, that’s just how it goes.

still sick, now wheezing!! loss of appetite despite occasional hunger pangs.
and to top it off, i’m not studying enough … :/
body feels horrible right now, although i woke up fine and was okay for most of the day.

bible class + service at b’s church + service at my own church = 5 hours straight of God.
which is exhausting but i felt alot better after that, mentally and physically.

my mentor of sorts at church gave me an early birthday present today!!
first birthday present of the year i’m actually quite excited at turning 18 HAHA.
i am trying to resist the urge to open it but later on i think i shall cos i’m just bad at the suspense thing.

after a mega serving of church, and a long time waiting for the 51, ikea lunch
Mushroom soup plusss meatballs yumyum.
but then i started feeling crappy again

-

you’re useless; i’m helpless.
and i can’t see any way out of this but doom.
(no i can’t)

this could be lyrics from any random song on the radio.
i could make a song out of it and i bet it would be good.
sad songs are always easier to write.
angst makes for good music.
i could even come up with a tune right now,
something modeled after “the world you love” by jimmy eat world.

i’m always hoping things will get better,
and i think i’m just always setting myself up for disappointment.

maybe i really should move on;
because you don’t give me enough to hold on to.

it’s a marvelous night for a moondance;

struggles;
we all struggle.
we all struggle with different things.

-

PUS 2009 HAS BEEN QUITE AWESOME AND FUNZ. staying in pgpr again was actually good; i’ve learnt to open my gate and door without swearing or needing help!
Perhaps thus proving that practice makes perfect.
(i missed SMUN terribly. i missed sitting at the basketball courts drafting resolutions, playing bridge, walking to NUH, aaaaand yeah. talking through the night about everything that mattered.)

i got dunked TWICE when we went to sentosa! which was kind of funny but not so fun having to washup after that – sand EVERYWHERE

most of the people were really, really nice and the SLOs (facils) were all a fun bunch!
some rude people here and there, but i guess every school has got black sheep. perhaps some schools have blacker sheep than others.
BUT i do feel ENRICHED and i’m glad that i had the oppurtunity to go for something that was so efficiently run!

i was quite surprised. its like orientation PLUS LS merged together, all the stuff i like <3.
but i was saved the trouble of organizing it which made it even more fun

ANWYAY came back today and enjoyed the aircon (for all i love about having my own CLEAN and TIDY and pretty much empty room at PGPR – no aircon!) on my bed and slept a nice contented sleep AND ALMOST overslept and missed restless OMG>>>

but thankfully fer (the bestest ever!!) called me up so i RUSHED my ass down.

RESTLESS was good stuff. this year i watched it with a different frame of mind as lat year.
nowadays, i don’t just appreciate individual dancers, but my focus has been on pair dances and chemistry. that’s what i look out for,
and ohhh! some of the dances were really touching!!
amaaaazing pairwork.

its like so you think you can dance kinda good.
(and i wish, i could find a dance partner. i think that’s highly romantic!!
to dance (properly) together.)

I AM REALLY PROUD OF MS. ESTHER GOH FOR BEING SO SUPER AWESOMELY GOOD TO WATCH AND APPRECIATE!

<3 <3 <3

isn’t she really pretty!!! she’s a pretty awesome dancer too!
ESTHER: i am really proud of you!! good job!!

-

one week of holidays gone, another 3 more to go and i feel like i’m running short on time AND OH (!!) i am sick recent development. grrr.

no, the sweetness will not be concerned with me

-gp lecture. AND SCHOOL IS OUT!! WHEE!!
-realized after bloghopping i missed the end of term mass at every IJ sch. shall go back for ‘em someday.
-lunch at aston’s! with darling B
-making good progress in reading the golden compass! more than halfway through already. the plot is drawing me in, deeply.
-debates BBQ!! was quite fun

TIRED NOW. just did notes on FB LOL.

-

on a sadder note:

jimmy eat world is a good band with music worth listening to-
but sometimes listening to it makes me thoughtful and all emo.
because it reminds me of a million and one things.

and sometimes, a certain line of the lyrics from some random song jumps out at me.
like something from the past that was always there, but i never saw it.
and hearing it, now, when it’s all too late,  just makes me full of regret.

sadness that i never understood you the way you understood me.
or maybe i did, just in a different way.
but as i look back at the past 3 years, you were there for all my tears.
(‘cept that ones you caused.)

AH ITS MADNESS SOMETIMES.
(and i don’t know how to tell you either, but i hope you read this.
and know that i’m talking about you.)