but windows open and close, that’s just how it goes.

still sick, now wheezing!! loss of appetite despite occasional hunger pangs.
and to top it off, i’m not studying enough … :/
body feels horrible right now, although i woke up fine and was okay for most of the day.

bible class + service at b’s church + service at my own church = 5 hours straight of God.
which is exhausting but i felt alot better after that, mentally and physically.

my mentor of sorts at church gave me an early birthday present today!!
first birthday present of the year i’m actually quite excited at turning 18 HAHA.
i am trying to resist the urge to open it but later on i think i shall cos i’m just bad at the suspense thing.

after a mega serving of church, and a long time waiting for the 51, ikea lunch
Mushroom soup plusss meatballs yumyum.
but then i started feeling crappy again

-

you’re useless; i’m helpless.
and i can’t see any way out of this but doom.
(no i can’t)

this could be lyrics from any random song on the radio.
i could make a song out of it and i bet it would be good.
sad songs are always easier to write.
angst makes for good music.
i could even come up with a tune right now,
something modeled after “the world you love” by jimmy eat world.

i’m always hoping things will get better,
and i think i’m just always setting myself up for disappointment.

maybe i really should move on;
because you don’t give me enough to hold on to.

i won’t always love what i’ll never have, i won’t always live in my regrets.

my msn hotmail homepage looks weird

today i’ve been feeling quite torn, and i’m not sure what i want.
or what i’m looking for. i wonder if i’m being unreasonable sometimes.

but for what it’s worth, i’m turning into a wall of stone.
stoning, feel stoned, annoyeddd at the world, saddened and reminiscing.
I NEED TO STOP LIVING IN THIS CRITICAL MODE. ITS NOT GOOD FOR ME.

ON A HAPPIER CHIRPIER NOTE: PRE-U SEM DAY AFTER TOMORROW!
(not so happy note: need to pack first.)

i am speedwatching meteor garden in order to get my mandarin skillz back.

and so it is, just like you said it would be.

am trying very hard to RUMMAGE THROUGH MY WARDROBE to find something nice, decent and THIS should actually not be THAT hard but i’m being really picky because this feels like a job interview ‘cept that i really need to STOP FREAKING OUT (and say that to myself a few more times too and actually mean it) ‘cos i’m just you know, thinking too much as usual and being a WORRIER and just.

…
(whatever. i need to calm down. what’s the worst that could happen? well, nothing that could keep me down.}

and tomorrow is mother’s day.
i told dad about my “surprise” plans (second surprise i’ve planned this week)
dad said: since when do you celebrate this kinda thing?
i’ve celebrated the past few father’s days with my dad i think. or at least his birthday.
i think he’s just abit surprised someone is actually caring for my mum because he staunchly refuses to celebrates anniversaries, birthdays and other special days.

funnily enough, i’ve spent quite a few of my birthdays in malaysia because of him.
and this year, the one year i’d really like to spend in singapore, he’s decided it would be nice for me to have a joint celebration with my cousin who’s already drinking alcohol, and can drive too. while i try to stay legal and am not allowed to drive.
EQUITY does not exist, i tell you.

-

okay but today, minus the preparations (i.e. worrying) for tomorrow, was quite good
CG outing was quite fun, celebrated lavania and estella’s birthday.
then youth was quite good too lovelovelove worship sessions. just sing and just. yeah.
i like that

and now i shall go prepare myself for Tomorrow.

all the stars and boulevards aren’t close enough for you.

i shouldn’t, couldn’t ask for anything more than this -
i’m thankful for today.

(even though my face is in a really bad state.)

there are so many choices that we have to make everyday,
and some ultimately will impact us more than others.
alot, alot more.
but its the small choices that affect the bigger decisions and -

sometimes i’m not quite sure what i’m doing either.
other than messing up my life and trying to fix that mess.

I HATE BEING GROUCHY.
I GET INTO THE WHOLE I-HATE-WORLD MOOD.
i’m not sure if people around me are just being more annoying and unbearable than usual, or if i just have a low threshold.

i wish life could be spent eating waffles and laughing and not thinking about the 1347897 other things that are supposed to matter, not bothering about the 12342809 other things that people do that annoy/worry me, and just forgetting about the remaining 4857298437 things that i should be doing.

i should be happy. but coming back to reality is not a pleasant jolt.

I’m using my right brain and I’m praying that we don’t crash.

i think memories are important.
it’s what keeps you going in hard times,
even though it’s also what makes people like me feel all messed up.
like how one year ago, i was preparing for the grand finals.

it meant so, so much to me then.
but not anymore.
i think i just woke up one day and realized how much i lost trying to get to where i wanted. i think it’s worth it, but i wish i tried harder to juggle everything, and not “lose” out.
like missing out on the important things that now, i realize, won’t be coming back.

i guess i should be treasuring things better now,
i think i am.
i think leaving is the only thing that makes you realize how badly you want something-
because now you don’t have it anymore.

no matter if the leaving is permanent,
or for how long the absence is.
still stings.

(i miss you)

there only bright side to this is HOPEFULLY (fingers-crossed) tomorrow the sun will be out and i can go tannning

it’s not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving.

new ringtone – bella’s lullaby.
and its really nice too!

sometimes i’m not sure if the reason why i feel disappointed with myself is because of the expectations others place on me, or because of the expectations i have of myself,
or just because i simply am inadequate.

or maybe i’m just too emotional for my own good,
care too much about what happens when i can’t change a thing,
worry like mad when i can’t do anything,
then realize that i expected too much out of nothing.

nothingness.
i wish i had more free time.
although i don’t think it would make me a happier person. not as much as i think it should.

i shall go back to trying to just be positive.
it used to be so, so easy.
but not anymore.

highlight of the day was lunch with grace!!
before doom came in the form of the returning of our IH papers ):
legs are still aching now from my MORNING SPRINT to catch the bus to school (sprinted one bus stop to catch the bus!) AND running into school and omgosh,
feels like i ran my 2.4km this morning! gross.
but quite fun too HAHA.
and despite waking up at 7am, i managed to slide into school by 7.40am.
(thank God, or a CWO would await and i really, really don’t have time for that.)

you’re on the radar.

can you believe it I AM STILL SICK urgh.
okay i’m getting steadily better BUT STILL! and then now i have a fever to add to this whole mess.

i really just need to accept that my body has lost its ability to digest food properly, which would explain why i get a stomachache everytime i eat, which makes me lose my appetite and yeah.

on another note – i think too much. not sure if that will do me good in the long run.
meanwhile, i’m going to take my medicine and sleep.
and hope that tomorrow when i wake up i’ll feel like a normal person again, and not lousy and crappy.

today had only 3 bright spots which both came in the evening- lunch with lava at btfc, spending quality time with bff grace in the library, and later on getting a phone call from the boy with the really, really nice voice

which somewhat made up for the lousiness.

oh and my wordpress still looks weirddd ):

lost out in space.

I AM SO HAPPY THAT HISTORY TEST IS OVERRRRRRRRR
FINALLY.
i don’t have this WEIGHT on my shoulders (both metaphorically and physically) and i am not gonna think about how i did cos i’ve realized that its pretty inaccurate.

excellent news!!
today i dared to look at the weighing scale for the first time in weeks.
and i am back to a healthy weight that i am quite satisfied with, and if i continue eating properly i should be going down to the weight that i desire whee!

am kinda quite happy today,
just wish i could have celebrated it somehow. hmm.
sigh. this is probably what stings the most about this year.

no more random dinners ):

ahwell.
today i think. i realized quite abit. so i’m quite happy ’bout that too
AND TONIGHT I AM GONNA SLEEP EARLY HAHAHAHA.

As we walked we were talking and I didn’t say half the things I wanted to.

FER CAME DOWN TO NJ TODAY
absolute awesomeness. made my (otherwise quite lousy) day
we watched the acjc vs dhs soccer match. and soccer is actually quite interesting.

today, i really wished i could redo last year.
i’d go watch the soccer nationals. i’d go watch the softball nationals.
i’d do my math homework.
i’d… treasure what i’ve got in front of me.

i guess i need to be contented. stop being so picky. overanalytical.
but sometimes, i want to be contented too, but i don’t think it’s just my fault :/

SIGH.
i am so tired that i keep falling asleep! and i am such a BUM.
i am going to sleep early so i can stop feeling so tired.
i think a lack of sleep SEVERELY affects my emotional state ):

okay but i know this – next year, i dont wanna regret what i’ve done this year.

on another note, 2.4km run today was ohkay. i ran under 14
but its a not very good timing. 13mins 50 seconds which is a deprovement from last year, but still good considering that i havent really been running.
i miss running.
maybe the lack of exercise is screwing up my brain.

don’t it feel like sunshine after all?

i forgot how much i liked sr-71.
i’ve been avoiding that playlist for a few months now, cos i thought it consisted of too many emo songs, but today i decided to risk it and while it did make me a little thoughtful, i think its not heartwrenchingly tear-my-heart-out emo.
not anymore, at least.

today started off with going to church which was fine,
then yearly trips to the *&^*&% temple.
where i basically acted like a total prima donna.

but honestly, there is no other tradition as harmful to the environment as that of “qingmingjie”!
not only is incense, joss sticks, PAPER burnt, releasing carbon dioxide into the environment, and PLAGUEING everyone in the area with its toxic fumes,
the amount of PAPER that goes into the whole business is KILLING TREES FOR NO GOOD REASON.
seriously, there are model cars and model slippers and BOXES of paper just being burnt… ALL FOR NOTHING!
material costs of these REDUNDANT things aside, its still utter wastage!
not to mention how the ashes of the stuff that’s burnt is hard to clear up, and therefore dirties our surroundings.

logically, this was why, when i was walking, keeping to myself, and this can of joss sticks which i didn’t see suddenly just appeared and burnt 2 holes in the side of my arm (YES. its not just harmful to the environment, but to humans too) i just LOST IT and i swear i wanted to just burn the whole place down.

today i feared for my grandma. i realized that she never accepted christ. so maybe she’s in hell now. does that actually happen? but she was a good person. :/ still, i don’t see the need to pray for her in the temple.
i can pray for her just fine at home, in church, or anywhere.
perhaps anywhere, except the temple, where my mind gets completely clouded by the smoky fumes that scream “get out, this is a danger zone!”

okay so yeah. bad mood.

thank God it was over pretty fast and i was off to vivo to meet estella

i found a good place to take pictures!

b came down to cheer me up too
so my day ended up being a really good day after all,
what with my fav. pals to make me happy