all the cards begin to stack up;

my life is in the pitz. seriously the pits. yesterday was only the start.
the return of results looks set to be one long nightmare lasting over the next fortnight or so.
my eyes are tired of crying already.

today i read through my old messages from last november and december.
last year was like, a golden year for me. this year, i don’t even think i can count it as bronze.

i am 18 years and 1 month old, and i don’t really know what to do with my life at the moment.
except just hope that tomorrow (seriously, tomorrow!!) will be better.

i don’t think i can sink any lower, but then again.
if i continued to be so pessimistic i would spend my life in an ice cream parlour.
preferably an ice cream parlour with a donut shop on one side and a chocolate shop on the other.

i don’t actually know how to not feel depressed at the moment.
which is odd because nothing really gets me down, usually.
except when really important people to me kind of like hurt me in some other way or another, but currently all the important people, and all the other friends, are trying really hard to cheer me up. BTW, i really appreciate it that is all that saves me from DESPAIR.

i can’t help but hope that things will turn around but i doubt they will;
although they really do need to AND.
i have a feeling i’m gonna be fat by the end of this fortnight from all that eating.

like today, dearest darlingest B came down all the way from the east coast to cheer me up
after an onslaught of incoherent messages from me worried him greatly.
and we had island creamery ice cream YUMMIEZ!!
(i am carrying around chocolate in my bag FROM NOW ONWARDS. for emergencies.)

reese’s is (currenntly) the best thing on earth.
i am assured that something even better is going to come along soon though (!!) and that thought is probably one of the more redeeming factors about the near future.

everything else about the future just makes me want to cry some more.

-

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

and so it is, just like you said it would be.

am trying very hard to RUMMAGE THROUGH MY WARDROBE to find something nice, decent and THIS should actually not be THAT hard but i’m being really picky because this feels like a job interview ‘cept that i really need to STOP FREAKING OUT (and say that to myself a few more times too and actually mean it) ‘cos i’m just you know, thinking too much as usual and being a WORRIER and just.

…
(whatever. i need to calm down. what’s the worst that could happen? well, nothing that could keep me down.}

and tomorrow is mother’s day.
i told dad about my “surprise” plans (second surprise i’ve planned this week)
dad said: since when do you celebrate this kinda thing?
i’ve celebrated the past few father’s days with my dad i think. or at least his birthday.
i think he’s just abit surprised someone is actually caring for my mum because he staunchly refuses to celebrates anniversaries, birthdays and other special days.

funnily enough, i’ve spent quite a few of my birthdays in malaysia because of him.
and this year, the one year i’d really like to spend in singapore, he’s decided it would be nice for me to have a joint celebration with my cousin who’s already drinking alcohol, and can drive too. while i try to stay legal and am not allowed to drive.
EQUITY does not exist, i tell you.

-

okay but today, minus the preparations (i.e. worrying) for tomorrow, was quite good
CG outing was quite fun, celebrated lavania and estella’s birthday.
then youth was quite good too lovelovelove worship sessions. just sing and just. yeah.
i like that

and now i shall go prepare myself for Tomorrow.

as clumsy as you’ve been, there’s no one laughing.

things just keep getting worse -

to the point where i’m reaching a breaking point.

maybe you don’t realize, this is the wrong time,
this is a bad time.

-

and i’m just clumsy.

the stars are holding you tonight.

and so we went,

we tried to do our best,

and we lost. to HC. again.

all i have left is a bunch of pretty flowers, a stack of cards with scribbled words on them from the entire season, a pretty trophy that says “1st runners up” and $30 book vouchers from BORDERS.

(which, i’m trying to convince myself, is actually quite a good haul. in the sense that comparatively it doesn’t get much better tan this.)

it’s hard to face a crushing defeat when you’re worn out, sick (in a physical sense of headaches and fevers + a mental sense of fatigue) and you know you’ve done better before.

today was my worst debate this entire season, and no amount of comforting is going to change that.

i’m just grateful we made it to finals, and i was thinking about how i fell sick at the wrong time, how i screwed up the most crucial round, the most final round,

but then again, i’ve done very well this entire season already, i’ve achieved what i set out to, and i’m happy that God gave me this oppurtunity to vindicate myself.

we’ve gone further than we expected, i’ve peaked higher than i could have imagined, and i guess a solace is that i have done myself justice in previous rounds.

and as for today; i’ve cried my eyes sore, bawled my heart out, even though nothing can change that we lost, i’m thoroughly disappointed in myself.

not in my team, but in myself. i won’t go so far as to blame myself for the loss, but i wish i did better.

that being said, it’s over, and i’m glad it is because i’m just too tired to continue. today was just bad.

i feel bad for all my supporters because even our debate against RJ in the semis was a better one; this was just… plain ol’ fatigue wearing in.

and just not being good enough. it’s a harsh reality but we’ve all faced it in our tears.

but thank you anyway –

SUSANNAH MY #1 YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE AND I MISS YOU ):

daddy, mummy & aunty kelly for taking time off their busy schedules just to come down and watch me debate — it was nice seeing you all there.

johnson!! for being so supportive both today and throughout the entire competition. thank youuuu.

MARIA & CLAIRE for the very pretty flowers. i really appreciate it

NJ DEBATE (ALUMNI INCLUDED) for coming down in full-force today, + all the NJ council people + Chris who came down to support us — thank you for cheering for us, because it gave us the strength to hold our heads up high.

special shoutout to BEN, our NUMBER ONE FAN

also thank you to everyone else who wished us luck and for grace & esther who couldn’t be there physically but supported us all the same. in the metaphysical sense.

to my dear teammates — thank you, for being there through it all. i wish it could have been a better end but that we made it to the finals is the true justification of our talent and prowess as a team.

to the best coach in the world: thank you MARK CORDINER OUR VERY PRO COACH, who’s our driving force to push us this far, thanks for taking time off your exams to come down, and thank you for being such a spectacular coach. WE MISSED YOU ):

last but not least- SPECIAL THANKS TO SENIORS who came down on a public holiday to help us prep our case, especially weige for editing our speeches. and for the dinner treat tonight

dinner of pizza hut and then dessert of ben & jerry’s made me feel alot better. especially when i ignore the calories. HAHA. sadly i still feel feverish and that sucks.

finally it’s over and i have time to run, but if i’m sick i can’t run. DANG ): damn smart i am.

sigh goodnight(:

thank you, thank you everyone.

-

this spells failure, big time on a placard and not on a cue card. and everytime someone tells me they’re proud of me it just makes things worse, because i’m disappointing the very people who have faith in me, and that makes the disappointment in myself more intense.

and this is why i hate being a debater, because even words of comfort become something you try to rebutt because you’re convinced that you’re right, that you’re right in that you were wrong, wrong in the sense that you screwed up, and therefore not much goes in.

i’ve realized the most effective thing is just to hug someone and cry. no words involved. i’m just glad i didn’t drool snot all over anyone i bawled on, especially with madhura cause both of us couldn’t stop crying.

and you’re lying real still, but your heartbeat is fast just like mine.

i hate my (insert expletive) internet connection. nowadays it decides to screw up on me at just the right time when i really need.
it’s enough to drive me to tears because i’m such an angsty kid who’s pissed off about everything, and the severe lack of sleep results in temper flares very, very easily.

not to add terribly emotional. i felt like crying every other lesson today. it’s a terribly feeling to have. and i don’t even find that many things to smile about anymore. i just feel like crying.

more and more work, tests and all that crap. i don’t know what i have to look forward to at the end of the day anymore.

it’s so so horrible i don’t know how to explain it. i feel like crap sometimes even though i know it’s not true, there’s something really really wrong and i’m desperate to find out what it is, but i just can’t place a finger on it. i don’t know what’s wrong but i know that something’s not right and i just hate not knowing.

i really hope this is just the whole lack of sleep thing. which would account for my headache after sleeping with wet hair last night cause i was just too tired to continue finishing my history homework, and i got sent out of class today because i finished the homework but not what was covered in class. yeah, i totally got my priorities right for once. it was completely warranted though. i wish i could say it was unreasonable and blame it on someone else but me but it wasn’t.

and i play the blame game with all the rants about everything i’m so frustrated and irked and angered about; such as how IP1s get to perform for IP Preview and we never had that. i miss singing and jamming and having a band so so much i don’t even want to think about it.

not that that’s the main problem. seriously.

nationals tomorrow. i pray for the clear-headed focused person that always comes during prep, regardless of all the crap i’m facing, thankfully i can go in without a thought in my head.

perhaps that’s the best part of it all.

maybe i’m really going criminally insane. haha. now that’s a thought.

hopefully tomorrow this space is filled with joy instead of… this. HAHA. i’m actually quite excited, even though the pressure is on somewhat, BUT YES finally, something i love that doesn’t wound me in return. wish me luck !

just another step, until i reach the door.

today was sweat and tears.

i ran my 2.4km in 13 minutes and 44 seconds. it’s my personal best, give or take 2 seconds. for someone who runs twice a week that’s pretty decent.
perhaps when i get back to training i’ll aim to be comfortably under 13, instead of 14.

i cried during break, i cried in the evening, i cried till my eyes were sore, i cried my heart out.
but i guess i feel better now. and i’ve got it all sorted out.

i’m happy with what i’ve got, but i guess nothing can erase what’s been done.
you can ease the pain as the years go by, and maybe i’m numbed but it still hurts.

at least i’m still clearheaded when i need to be. and hopefully this trend of crying doesn’t continue.

i think i lost too much salt today.

donuts for dinner rocked, it was a random whim haha. spotlight shopping for minying’s VA stuff.

debates > homework. half day tomorrow will be a mini food fiesta for the team.

rooftops with grace&jon. jon took the pic. absolutely random. (:

donuts rock. ’nuff said.

considering how it’s double math and double GP tomorrow, which equates to a very very painful double whammy, debates is the only thing that i’m going to school for. feel the love man <3!

the donuts are understated in this photo, but they’re glazed with sugar. yumyum.

it’s not always rainbows and butterflies.

i finally calmed down enough to stop crying and start eating my very nice dinner that would have been nicer if it wasn’t stone cold because i left it sitting there while i tried not to be such a spoilt brat.

well. woke up this morning feeling quite refreshed. went out with dad to the PC show which was insanely crowded. then made my way down to town, which took even longer because everyone comes out on sundays seriously, met suzy, went walking around town and proved the theory that everyone goes out on sundays. HAHA.

dropped by popular and bought more pens; at this rate i’ll either have to use 2 pencil cases or buy one extra-large one.

after a bout of crying on the way home and when i got home over childish matters, right now i’m (finally) fine again.

(:

i have just tomorrow before i leave tuesday night, and obviously there’s research to do and clothes to pack. but i definitely have to go running tomorrow. a week of pastas in different variations every other dinner is not good for me, or my weight.

so tell me can this really work? or will we end up getting hurt?

today’s the 1st of march 2008, and i’m gonna mark it as the day i’m gonna try, not for the first time, to give my life to God.

to try and turn away from sin, and to make God the centre of my life.

i think this time i’ll actually succeed, because i’m sick of crying, i’m sick of doubting, i’m sick of all the halfhearted attempts i make to follow our awesome God. but the lady i was talking to today made a good point; you can’t trust someone unless you know them … and i never got past reading the first chapter of the bible.

well, that’s resolution . to read the bible. resolution 2 is to be nice to those people i have issues with, starting with those in my class. i can’t be their best friend, but i’ll skip the biting comments. (: and resolution 3 is to start going to church, at least to youth since it’s in the afternoon.

yesterday was the happiest day one of the happiest days in my life. i got what i wanted, i bummed out with my friends, i ran the fastest i’ve ever run in my entire life, and maybe for once my dad was really truly happy with me.

then came midnight, a quarrel with my mum, and the realization that i’ve lost close friends to the pursuit of … academia; next thing i know my pillow’s soaked with tears, and half a dozen smses later i’m sobbing my entire heart into a box of tissues, crying myself to sleep and waking up barely 6 hours later by a call about something entirely unrelated to me, then crawling back to sleep for another 2 hours before waking up to go for dance with swollen eyes.

it’s times like these, those at the top and those at the pits, that you realize alot of things. like how the people who are happiest for me aren’t my nonplussed family, but my surrogate family of friends. and how i know i can always count on geniusboy in the middle of the night to remind me that i only get one family in this life, so i should make the most out of it. thanks, gb, for trying so hard to cheer me up.

meltdown part || came in the car with dad, it was horrible because i was on my way to youth and tried so hard to stop crying but the tears kept welling up, and then at church i nearly started crying right in the middle of praise & worship. after the very inspiring talk though, and the decision to really try to be a Christian in every sense of the word, i think maybe i had no tears left to cry, but whatever i was calmer.

i think my emotions need to reach an octet structure (yes ms selva has taught me well) so they’ll be more stable and i’ll be less moody and emotionally unstable and on the verge of tears.

well dinner with nush, gwen, jon, matthew, bandana & linh after youth. gill came along after i finished apocamuffin and went off with nush. bandana & linh left early. so it was just gwen jon matthew and i who went to candy empire and found apocacookie/ apocabiscuit, which is basically abit of hell squeezed into pastry. i think aopocamuffin was nice though. tasted healthy heh.

thank goodness i went running yesterday though, carl’s junior PLUS kfc do not make a good mix in the healthy lifestyle equation >.<

if you can’t do the math, then get out of the equation.

so after crying myself to sleep last night and being on the verge of tears during math lecture today even though it was my favourite math teacher lecturing and i acutally understood what was going on mostly, i’m back to normal after a whole dosage of laughter.

i’d like to skip over everything bad, but somehow it’s the worst moments that stick out. mondays and tuesdays are often empty for me, then everything gets chionged on wednesday/thursday/friday. eeks >.<

today the fringe was floppy. minying decided to sneak a picture of me before GP but failed to catch me unaware (duh she grabbed my phone and slanted it). PW lecture was spent cam-whoring with minying, grace & audrey.

i like these photos because i actually look happy. although the eyebags were gigantic this morning.

stayed back after PE which was lifting of weights, hung around the canteen eating cookies with nush (i actually ate properly today. HAHA.)then went off to meet grace and hung out at serene talking about why my life isn’t as great as it seems.

dad just called and i’m back on the verge of crying just because i am. i hate being a wimpy weepy brat but i really just can’t help it. i’m not crying but i feel like it. =/

off to yoghurt and maybe i’ll be happier.

-

it’s not always about you, and you wonder why i say what i do.

geniusboy says i think too much. i think it’s an occupational hazard of being a debater.

but thanks for listening to the rants (& for the advice) anyway, grace & the geniusboy. (: