and if you should fall, remember you almost had it all

last night i almost died omg. thank God for my mum trying to help me breathe properly again, and thank God for b reassuring me that i would be okay, and googling for remedies like garlic!

i felt really helpless as i wheezed with every breath i took, felt like i might die, and then that made me want to cry but i had to stop myself because if i cried i’d definitely die cos my windpipe would choke up…

scary

anyway, i’m off to JB with daddy to stay in his house there for a few days. back friday night/ saturday morning.

hopefully by the next time i blog here again, i’ll be better

and i would have stayed up with you all night, had i known how to save a life.

being sick sucks. the doctor sucked a whopping 50 bucks from my mum. annoying.
and now i have about half a dozen different medicines to take. ALL PILLS of varying sizes.
gross or not.

but at least i am feeling better. after waking up this morning unable to breathe properly and wheezing like a dying old man. even now i’m short of breath after just walking short distances.

being sick scares me. i hate going to the doctor. the waiting room is ugly. and the wait is long.
and being grumpy because i feel so uncomfortable, and having a really loose tongue because when i’m sick i lose control of my emotions, i ended up criticizing everything about that dingy shack. although i’m now so sick my voice comes out very weak and even my own mum, sitting next to me, can barely hear me…

am hoping to get well soon.

meeting up with estella for lunch made me happier!! haven’t seen her in agessss.
and at least i’m on the road to recovery now instead of having a deteriorarting condition!

well yes, off to malaysia tmrw finally. i have never needed time out so badly before.
back saturday morning latest. and i should probably go pack haha.

but windows open and close, that’s just how it goes.

still sick, now wheezing!! loss of appetite despite occasional hunger pangs.
and to top it off, i’m not studying enough … :/
body feels horrible right now, although i woke up fine and was okay for most of the day.

bible class + service at b’s church + service at my own church = 5 hours straight of God.
which is exhausting but i felt alot better after that, mentally and physically.

my mentor of sorts at church gave me an early birthday present today!!
first birthday present of the year i’m actually quite excited at turning 18 HAHA.
i am trying to resist the urge to open it but later on i think i shall cos i’m just bad at the suspense thing.

after a mega serving of church, and a long time waiting for the 51, ikea lunch
Mushroom soup plusss meatballs yumyum.
but then i started feeling crappy again

-

you’re useless; i’m helpless.
and i can’t see any way out of this but doom.
(no i can’t)

this could be lyrics from any random song on the radio.
i could make a song out of it and i bet it would be good.
sad songs are always easier to write.
angst makes for good music.
i could even come up with a tune right now,
something modeled after “the world you love” by jimmy eat world.

i’m always hoping things will get better,
and i think i’m just always setting myself up for disappointment.

maybe i really should move on;
because you don’t give me enough to hold on to.

i’m in love with the ordinary.

jimmy eat world ftw.

dance class today was good!! maybe quitting isn’t that good an idea. i think i’ll miss dancing too much!
then subway lunch! i <3 subway much! it smells so good and its healthy and all.
i’ve forgotten how much i like subway. or maybe its just the central one.
“central subway” – such a cool name right! HAHA okay i should stop being lame.

I AM SICKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!
like, quite bad. have a flu/blocked nose/runny nose PLUS i feel feverish AND my throat hurts like mad. i forced myself to have dinner but every mouthful was painful omg.
and part of what i forced down was cake from bakerzin. which was really good. just hard to swallow because my throat just hurts like mad.

bakerzin is good stuff man! bought cakes from there for mum’s birthday

i will be 18 in a week. i’ve been looking forward to turning 18 for the past 8 years and yet;
i realize all the things i can do after 18, i could have done when i was 17, just illegally.
but still.

i shall go sleep early and hope that i get well tomorrow!

you’re on the radar.

can you believe it I AM STILL SICK urgh.
okay i’m getting steadily better BUT STILL! and then now i have a fever to add to this whole mess.

i really just need to accept that my body has lost its ability to digest food properly, which would explain why i get a stomachache everytime i eat, which makes me lose my appetite and yeah.

on another note – i think too much. not sure if that will do me good in the long run.
meanwhile, i’m going to take my medicine and sleep.
and hope that tomorrow when i wake up i’ll feel like a normal person again, and not lousy and crappy.

today had only 3 bright spots which both came in the evening- lunch with lava at btfc, spending quality time with bff grace in the library, and later on getting a phone call from the boy with the really, really nice voice

which somewhat made up for the lousiness.

oh and my wordpress still looks weirddd ):

carry it far away where I can fly.

my wordpress is appearing funny!
its quite annoying.
even after restarting my browser it still looks funny.

today was my first day back at school after a 2 day break and school’s giving me a headache :/
my stomach still continues to feel weird and i don’t think i’m eating the right foods either but oh whatever.
school tomorrow is so, so pointless. i really don’t know why i’m going but i am :/
its so tempting to stay home and try to get well completely instead of getting kinda well and then not entirely well :/

OKAY BUT BESIDES THAT TODAY WAS ACTUALLY A RATHER AWESOME DAY.
spent my one hour break talking to nush about the future – talking helps me sort my very, very scattered brain out.
on tuesday i wanted to be a lawyer, on wednesday i wanted to be an MP, and today i think i’m fine with being a housewife.
not sure about tomorrow but YEAH. need to settle. like the daemons in His Dark Materials (which, btw, i really need to start reading!!!!!!!!!! die.) i need to choose something and stick to it for the rest of my life. (okay maybe not stick to it but at least live with it.)

and then!! after school was a fab fab fab surprise outing to town with b!
first, movie watching at cathay – “taken” is definitely quite the thriller although its waaaaay too much violence. unnecessary killings. i don’t like. i think its better to disarm rather than kill people – especially since disarmed people can suddenly pop up after they were supposedly dead!
then, dinner was probably the last thing i should be eating right now, a chock block of proteins when the doctor said quite strictly carbohydrates only and no proteins or milk products (both of which i’ve gone against. no wonder i’m not getting well).
OKAY BUT PIZZA HUT IS JUST GOOD STUFF.
and it was a celebration so yes

then b sent me home!!
benefits of being sick

and now the effects of the medication and a really long day are getting to me so. i shall sleep. soon.

ahh but i’m really happy and really thankful to God for everything
and that everything’s working out, just fine!!

i’m trying to forget that i’m addicted to you.

i’m a new fan of so you think you can dance.
partially cos of the song “dancing” by elisa.
its so beautiful, and so.. dance-able.

i’m gonna take 2 months off to just to do contemporary dance.

to be able to dance like this:

although i might never be that good, i just want to be able to feel the music through dance.
some music is best felt through contemporary dance. (merry christmas mr lawrence)
some music is best felt through tap dance. (like mika’s grace kelly)

it’s rare that i am so addicted to a song, not because it’s got really good lyrics (corrine may/mariah carey’s greatest hits) or a pretty tune (taylor swift’s love story), but because it inspires me to wish i could dance.

i know its probably really unrealistic but in the future i’d like a house with a dance studio and a jamming room. and a gym/room with a treadmill.

-

today i cooped myself up at home hoping to get better, and thankfully i am no longer having diarrhea and it’s just a stomachache now. and the stomachache is slowly fading yay!
although i am rapidly losing my appetite :/

i feel so tired. and sleepy. even though i’ve been sleeping alot, and now i can’t sleep.
but i feel like i could conk out for another few days :/

okay but on the bright side!!
-debates party yesterday went well!! free cone day after that too
(which might explain why i didn’t get well as fast as i should have. eating the wrong kinda food. heh.)
-mpp part 1 of 4, a visit to ph today, went well!! and i had fun. am gonna be a mooter + debater (like my coaches) should i go to NUS law.
-SOMEONE IS CHAMPION FOR SAILING NATIONALS AND I’M REALLY PROUD OF HIM!

(okay and now i shall try to sleep. and make it to school tomorrow. and goodness, FIND MY MC!)

how life is a waving feather.

So I put my arms around you, around you
And I know that I believe and soon
My eyes are on you, they’re on you
And you see that I can’t stop shaking

(dancing, by elisa – is such a nice song to.. dance to!)

today was feeling horribly sick, going to school for training cos i felt better, big party of pizza and chips, then a mad rush for B&J free cone day and finally, home again, feeling lousy.

occasionally: cold sweat, bouts of stomachaches, diarrhea, muscles feeling like i’ve done a hundred pull-ups, legs feel heavy as lead, tired no matter how much sleep i get, grouchy, …
i hate being sick, even though it does have its benefits.

2 days worth of MC and i wish i could just coop myself up at home.

heads on a silence apart.

today was horrid i kept falling asleep cos i was so tired!!! ):

ANYWAY OKAY BACK TO RECAP OF TRIP.

HCM WAS HOT. really hot.
especially after hanoi which was super cold.
shopping was good bought a few nice tops, and a nice dress.
i am going to shape my wardrobe into more dresses.
i’ve already succeeded in having more long tops
also bought my new kipling bag
was abit sore cos there was a lesportsac i really wanted but the size was bad and the time was bad and the price was bad and ahwell.
maybe next time.

hanoi is a city with personality, to quote gill.
i think hanoi is quite quaint, old, but pretty.
terribly polluted, horrifyingly cold, but the beauty of the town is almost worth it.
it’s decaying slowly, but has strong french accents and the architecture is very classic, very unique, and its a pleasure to look at.
hcm has some of these buildings, but not enough because rapid mordernization has made the buildings more… singaporean :X
thankfully though, there is less pollution there, it’s not chillingly cold, AND I CAN SEE THE SKY.

i love it, low-rise buildings cleared out so i get a clear view of the sky.

i think my house in the future has to have a good view of the sky.

i forgot how much i missed HCM until i went back,
and now i think i’ll go back again.
this time, NO MORE TOURIST-Y STUFF.
am terribly sick of cu chi tunnels and reunification palace after having gone through it TWICEEEE. zomg. first time was mildly interesting and the second time was just…

PAINFUL.

okay but the hcm mausoleum in hanoi was pretty cool!!
got to see hcm’s emblamed body which i found freaky, but something i’m glad to have done.

photos up on facebook … soon.
today i bought like 20bucks worth of medicine for the next week or so,
hopefully i can get well soon.

today i had problems breathing. but at least i’m not coughing like a bronchitis patient anymore!

and now, time for SLEEP

and i’m trying to keep all the thoughts in my head, instead of going under.

woke up with a swollen throat that rendered me incapable of having breakfast, and i had to force myself to drink some water even though it was so painful. thankfully i remembered my powerful lozenges were still in stock, somewhere in the medicine pack i keep, and 2 lozenges later i was almost okay, and ravenous.

despite snacks to keep myself awake in class, school today was just painful because i was just so zoned out.

evening was at subway for an early diner, then popped by to pageone and then on to gloria jean’s for the rest of the night with estella and gillian. vivo ftw (!).

i think i’m terribly inefficient. i’m quite annoyed with myself, and quite frustrated, and stressed that no matter how much i try to salvage my history, it just doesn’t seem to  be enough. sometimes, i wonder if the problem’s really entirely with me.

tomorrow… is finally friday. i’m looking forward to dance class, youth, hopefully a weekend of sleep, and time out with dad. not looking forward to finally starting my econs va though.