take 5!

HELLO TODAY I HAD THE STARK REALIZATION THAT:
prelims (new dreaded word, only less scary than the phrase “common test results”) are nearing and i am far from finishing my revision, and am having trouble keeping abreast of current work, so i am going to put aside my laptop for a while and make use of the email function on my phone.

THEREFORE: I AM FINALLY GOING ON A BLOGGING HIATUS!
(SURPRISE!)
think it’s about time. will occasionally blog still, as well as twitter (haha only 140 words and i have twitter mobile SO it isn’t that disruptive), so check http://twitter.com/leejingt if you’re bored and want updates on my (soon to become very boring) life.
(somewhat hiatus. not entirely JUST YET. yet.)

anyway – don’t worry i am less depressed already!!
today school was painful ‘coz occasionally i still feel like a failure (and the week to come looks bad too) BUT !! went over to east coast after school and had a FABULOUS FOOD FEST for dinner at some lagoon food centre along east coast
(thanks for planning so well, b!)

i am contented with my food

:D we love food!!

dinner was so so good!! i think i secretly LOVE food and binges and long walks. although in general i don’t erally like walking cos i’d rather run or take the bus. but somehow i end up walking alot still. hmm. i guess its the company that matters

tomorrow starts the proper studying all over again. (i am looking forward to spending more time at harbourfront, and more time with my dearest study buddy estella!!)

-

& i guess sometimes all we can do is try, and hope for the best.
pray that something comes out of what you are doing.
that trying doesn’t come to nothing…
and that trying doesn’t just result in “something”, but “something good enough” in exchange for all that effort.
it doesn’t always work out, but one can always hope for better days ahead.
i think if i didn’t look forward, i’d have despaired by now, for 2938012983 reasons.

just a little late; you found me.

not quite sure what i’ve been doing for the past 6 months gah.

hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you’ll be alright

i feel abit like being in a pressure cooker, and i’m abit scared that one day i’ll lose control and all the thoughts i’ve been trying to suppress will mount and overflow and i’ll just spontaneously combust.

no, but i’m thankful that. God always provides. so althoght i get my stupid anxiety attacks i calm down in the end.

but stiiiilllll.

the fray is calming. stuff like “heaven forbid” and “you found me”. is good stuff.
music is the <3.

and so it is, just like you said it would be.

am trying very hard to RUMMAGE THROUGH MY WARDROBE to find something nice, decent and THIS should actually not be THAT hard but i’m being really picky because this feels like a job interview ‘cept that i really need to STOP FREAKING OUT (and say that to myself a few more times too and actually mean it) ‘cos i’m just you know, thinking too much as usual and being a WORRIER and just.

…
(whatever. i need to calm down. what’s the worst that could happen? well, nothing that could keep me down.}

and tomorrow is mother’s day.
i told dad about my “surprise” plans (second surprise i’ve planned this week)
dad said: since when do you celebrate this kinda thing?
i’ve celebrated the past few father’s days with my dad i think. or at least his birthday.
i think he’s just abit surprised someone is actually caring for my mum because he staunchly refuses to celebrates anniversaries, birthdays and other special days.

funnily enough, i’ve spent quite a few of my birthdays in malaysia because of him.
and this year, the one year i’d really like to spend in singapore, he’s decided it would be nice for me to have a joint celebration with my cousin who’s already drinking alcohol, and can drive too. while i try to stay legal and am not allowed to drive.
EQUITY does not exist, i tell you.

-

okay but today, minus the preparations (i.e. worrying) for tomorrow, was quite good
CG outing was quite fun, celebrated lavania and estella’s birthday.
then youth was quite good too lovelovelove worship sessions. just sing and just. yeah.
i like that

and now i shall go prepare myself for Tomorrow.

all the stars and boulevards aren’t close enough for you.

i shouldn’t, couldn’t ask for anything more than this -
i’m thankful for today.

(even though my face is in a really bad state.)

there are so many choices that we have to make everyday,
and some ultimately will impact us more than others.
alot, alot more.
but its the small choices that affect the bigger decisions and -

sometimes i’m not quite sure what i’m doing either.
other than messing up my life and trying to fix that mess.

I HATE BEING GROUCHY.
I GET INTO THE WHOLE I-HATE-WORLD MOOD.
i’m not sure if people around me are just being more annoying and unbearable than usual, or if i just have a low threshold.

i wish life could be spent eating waffles and laughing and not thinking about the 1347897 other things that are supposed to matter, not bothering about the 12342809 other things that people do that annoy/worry me, and just forgetting about the remaining 4857298437 things that i should be doing.

i should be happy. but coming back to reality is not a pleasant jolt.

and i’m on the bleachers, dreaming.

i have alot to do.
and alot i want to think about. that i probably should think about. that i need to think about. pray about.

i am mildly stressed when i mentally list down the things that i have to do. i don’t actually dare to write out that list yet because it’s quite horrendous. like, for starters i have no clue what’s going on for econs and this is almost the end of term 1 and technically, if you look at percentiles, econs is supposed to be my best subject.

AHHHH :/

i’m not exactly very stressed or pissed. just feel a little helpless.
but i kinda know that everything will work out.
i just need to learn to trust in God for those times in between, like now, when it seems like there is just so, so much to do.
that i will make it through.

i can’t take it any longer, thought that we were stronger.

if there exists a criteria, a benchmark, for someone who is a failure as a student,
i’m pretty sure i make the cut.

i made it through today with the help of…
chocolate,
two painkillers,
and coffee, which gave me the runs but at least kept me awake cos i felt so horrible.

i think nowadays i’ve become very irritable.
lack of sleep makes it difficult to be patient.
lots of things annoy me that didn’t used to annoy me before.
what surprises me is that there are things that i can still put up with,
that i thought would have been the first thing that would irritate me.

but still,
sometimes it gets tiring because you don’t realize… stuff.
(and i’m saying you, as in generally/a few people, not a specific person.)

it’s so overdue.

and i don’t wanna fall to pieces
i just wanna sit and stare at you
but there is no more time for lies
cause I see sunset in your eyes

I AM STRESSED TO THE MAXXXXXX.
i have no idea why i signed up to be an OGL.
this is where i reexamine the human being i have been, and the one i should be, and well.
SO MUCH TO DO, HOW?
i think the worst part of this all is that i really, really want to sleep.

i hate this part right here.

it SUCKS not having a stable internet connection at home.
i’m currently camping out at the library. rawr. thank goodness for wireless@sg.

okay so its been 3 days of orientation, one day of debate competitions, and a really unlucky day today.

lets start with orientation!!
day 3 was station games. helming a station was pretty tough especially with “safety issues” :/ but it was fun still setting up and clearing up wasn’t fun though. but bowling myself across a mat was fun

day 4 was the external hunt which went pretty well i walked so much more than last year though, i think. came home alot more tired. OG outing to island creamery and then golden rooster was quite cool though. i love icecream!!!

day 5 was mass dance awesomeness and i got super high and lost my voice. before that was war games where i didnt get that wet, which is good, and i managed to take revenge on the other OGLS who totally dunked me during OGL camp. i didn’t get to go for dance party, but still orientation 2009 – e(NJ)oy was pretty much quite awesome for me
then went off for JGs to support the juniors and adjudicate!! adjudication is pretty fun i guess, i’ve realized that no one really listens to reply so i’m quite sad.
like, all my effort into reply for nothing ):

saturday was spent entirely at NUS Law Faculty supporting the juniors for NCS + working on my lit h3 proposal which is stressing the crap out of me.

oh yeah juniors won on friday night, beat crescent and for their performances on friday + saturday, i am REALLY REALLY proud of them. they’re really improving with every round i see them in, so i’m so glad for that

today was spent with B at NUS again, but at the Kent Ridge campus this time. i think my proposal’s finally shaping up *fingers crossed*. making my mentor angry makes me feel worse than it should :/

and so, e(NJ)oy – Viva La Vida is officially over, time to get back to the real world of school, homework, and above all, catching up.
there is so much catching up to do i want to give up.
i kinda really, really dread school tomorrow

okay but on the brighter side of things…

isn't he lovely?

as much as i love my cat, and i love cats more than dogs, i found love at first sight with this cute doggie called sparky.

and i think he likes me too

(hinthint: it would be nice to see him soon!)

gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows.

i’m back from YLTC!!!!!!

living 5 days without my phone was the hardest part; come rain or heights, i had no fear, but i missed my phone. essentially because my phone includes my music too.

anyway we walked around singapore in the rain, kayaked 10km, dragon boated, did the usual station games (like at orientation, but harder) and height challenges (which are scary but i managed to do it without too much screaming) and the last event was:
a 10km run at 4am in the morning which i actually really enjoyed!!

i really liked the kayaking even though it left me really sunburnt!
and all that shouting has left me rather hoarse ): which is really bad.
and i am also suffering from extreme fatigue (and therefore mood swing-y)

after we broke camp, i had macs for lunch with my super-dee-duper grou NOBLE!!!!
then dad fetched me back!!
and after a nice WARM shower, i conked out and only woke up cause my mum came home. rarrr.
slept about 12 hours in total (including after i went back to sleep) then went for dance rehearsal for SYC and dance class. 3 hours of danncing the day after yltc; i have no idea how i survived it.
but thankfully, i did.

my internet connection is ABSOLUTELY ANNOYING.
it goes off every 5 minutes, when it actually decides to come on. cow.
i’ve been accessing my email from my precious phone, which really really rocks

on a side note: eating 3 square meals a day for YLTC = growing fat.
i am now impossibly fat and heavy after putting on ANOTHER kilo in addition to the one i put on from debates camp.
i have a fortnight to get my weight back down in time for recital.
i feel really fat right now ): and i hate feeling fat. urgh.