all the cards begin to stack up;

my life is in the pitz. seriously the pits. yesterday was only the start.
the return of results looks set to be one long nightmare lasting over the next fortnight or so.
my eyes are tired of crying already.

today i read through my old messages from last november and december.
last year was like, a golden year for me. this year, i don’t even think i can count it as bronze.

i am 18 years and 1 month old, and i don’t really know what to do with my life at the moment.
except just hope that tomorrow (seriously, tomorrow!!) will be better.

i don’t think i can sink any lower, but then again.
if i continued to be so pessimistic i would spend my life in an ice cream parlour.
preferably an ice cream parlour with a donut shop on one side and a chocolate shop on the other.

i don’t actually know how to not feel depressed at the moment.
which is odd because nothing really gets me down, usually.
except when really important people to me kind of like hurt me in some other way or another, but currently all the important people, and all the other friends, are trying really hard to cheer me up. BTW, i really appreciate it that is all that saves me from DESPAIR.

i can’t help but hope that things will turn around but i doubt they will;
although they really do need to AND.
i have a feeling i’m gonna be fat by the end of this fortnight from all that eating.

like today, dearest darlingest B came down all the way from the east coast to cheer me up
after an onslaught of incoherent messages from me worried him greatly.
and we had island creamery ice cream YUMMIEZ!!
(i am carrying around chocolate in my bag FROM NOW ONWARDS. for emergencies.)

reese’s is (currenntly) the best thing on earth.
i am assured that something even better is going to come along soon though (!!) and that thought is probably one of the more redeeming factors about the near future.

everything else about the future just makes me want to cry some more.

-

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

how could greater love than this, ever possibly exist?

today was just draining BUT someone v.v.v. special brought me ikea meatballs which definitely cheered me up!
then icecream with estella

but the new few days look SET to be a LIVING HELL on earth.

- yet i don’t care anymore. whatever happens is honestly God’s will and i can’t say that anything else could be planned better.

don’t write yourself off yet.

its so sad. michael jackson should have died before he went into deterioration. like, early 1990s. before all that surgery turned his face into this distorted thing :/ or, he should have died AFTER this world tour so his image could be salvaged. hopefully. or maybe this is the right time ‘cos the world tour would have been a flop. we will never know.
i’m listening to the songs i have that are by him and his voice, its really amazing.

anyway, this morning i received the email i was waiting for all week, but wasn’t expecting.
and came home to a letter i didn’t know i wanted till i got it. (!!)

happy, but tired ttm. and things are looking up, but not up enough.
but good enough for now.

you try to avoid it, but there’s not a doubt

i can’t do vectors, i can’t do complex numbers, and even integration is now challenging.
(for the first time since i started learning integration, i am actually encountering questions that i can’t solve. not even after trying 100 times.)
i haven’t started on lit. h1, h2 or h3.
haven’t studied half of IH, and another half of SEAH.
don’t know how to write an econs essay. :/

CTs are in a week… and tmrw i leave for a holiday with more than half my work lying in a pile on the floor of my room, waiting to be studied so i can actually do decently for CTs and make it somewhere in the life that involves UK university applications.

this is feeling a little hopeless. math always makes me feel hopeless. unachieved.

…………………………and i shall try to go to sleep.
when i wake up everything will seem a little less bleak. i hope.

i think i really do need the holiday to like, forget that my math is in the pits.
and maybe consider getting math tuition.
the days of getting a bronze cert for math olympiad are long gone.

what happened?

i’m not sure either.

so i look to You; for no one else will do.

today i played the 5-star playlist and just let it run. old favourites came out.
really, really old songs came out that i forgot that i had, like chinese music?
and good charlotte. i remember ripping good charlotte albums off mich.

i’m getting wayy to little sleep. today i woke up with swollen eyes because i rubbed my eyes too much last night. because i stayed up to play samurai sudoku…
which is this super-sudoku, a 5-in-1 mega-sudoku thing.

even if your heart would listen, doubt I could explain.

its the little things that matter. the small things you remember.
for better, or for worse.

i think its about time i do some photo printing for my wall

i’m in love with the ordinary.

jimmy eat world ftw.

dance class today was good!! maybe quitting isn’t that good an idea. i think i’ll miss dancing too much!
then subway lunch! i <3 subway much! it smells so good and its healthy and all.
i’ve forgotten how much i like subway. or maybe its just the central one.
“central subway” – such a cool name right! HAHA okay i should stop being lame.

I AM SICKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!
like, quite bad. have a flu/blocked nose/runny nose PLUS i feel feverish AND my throat hurts like mad. i forced myself to have dinner but every mouthful was painful omg.
and part of what i forced down was cake from bakerzin. which was really good. just hard to swallow because my throat just hurts like mad.

bakerzin is good stuff man! bought cakes from there for mum’s birthday

i will be 18 in a week. i’ve been looking forward to turning 18 for the past 8 years and yet;
i realize all the things i can do after 18, i could have done when i was 17, just illegally.
but still.

i shall go sleep early and hope that i get well tomorrow!

going back to the corner, where i first saw you.

today was exco elections!!
kinda bittersweet.
i’m glad that my term is OVER AND DONE WITH and my tuesdays are finally free.
i’ll miss debating but not that badly – i think i’m more cut out for debating itself rather than coaching!!
BUT STILL.

i’ve grown to love the club, back from hating it and only staying because i had a love for debates itself. and then the love for debates got overwhelmed by all the negativity i faced, and i thought, maybe i wasn’t good enough.
and i wanted to join track.
but i’m glad i stuck through. i’m really, really glad that i did.
exco position or not, last year was the best year of my life.
this year, so far, just doesn’t match up to the awesomeness that was last year
although i think i am crying less!! HAHA.

i’m so grateful to God for giving me the trials and tribulations of the past 4 years, because it culminated in success for the past 2 and i dont think i would appreciate success, or be so sensitive towards failure in my juniors, if i didn’t have to go through that much crap myself.

it’s been insane, with euphoria and tears that seemed not to stop.
losses, both personal and team, and success, both individually and as a team.

this has been one helluva ride.
and i will miss it.

at the same time, i hope that when i go back to debating in 2011, there’ll be alot less drama.

one of my junior’s said that she was glad that no one in this club had ever put her down.
i wish, i wish so dearly, that i could say the same.
but i’m glad no one had to go through the anguished hell that i did.
and i wish to God that i’ll never have to go through something like that again.

-

hung out with leungyan and ben for a while after that! the 2 seemingly asexual boys are quite fun to hang out with. leungyan is probably the only person who spends more than me on books. at least recently!

then went to meet MS FELICIA SOH the very awesumz one
was really happy to see her!!!!!! after soooooo long zomgg.
WE HAVE BIG PLANS HOHOHO

icecream gallery was goodstuff. really goodstuff.
and then we walked home from harbourfront haha.
didn’t take that long.

i think i’ve had a pretty satisfying day today

even though i haven’t been studying and seriously, seriously need to start,
AND REALLY REALLY NEED TO START PACKING FOR PRE-U SEM!

lucky i’m in love with my best friend.

i’m really exhausted today!!

who wouldnt be after
- 3 hours of LIT with only 2 breaks lasting 5 mins
- a short 30 min break in between spent mostly on lunch
- another 3 hours of lectures, this time HISTORY, with only 1 break

INSANE I TELL YOU.

okay but dinner after that was good. so nevermind.
especially since i got to see…

SPARKY!

really <3 this little one. nice long silky soft fur and just, so cute!

what giving up gives you, and where giving up takes you.

aaand so, LS is over!
much fun! and i surprisingly did manage to learn some things from the people who came down to speak to us, even though i thought since it was gonna be about science i’d hate it all the way.
but still – the science emphasis just . is something i’m gonna have to live with in the singapore society :/

(shall upload the photos soon-ish)

-

and today i went into one of my old habits of thinking far, far too much.
and today i wondered where i was going and what i was doing with my life,
wondered why i felt so disappointed, wondered if it was my own expectations or your fault.

and all i heard was just watch the fireworks by jimmy eat world.
overwhelmingly, over and over, in my head.
reminding me of better days.

i’m really, really tired.

come away with me;

pictures, because i’m too tired to blog anything substantial.
but basically fps presentations are over! LS in general has been fine too
aaaaaanddd i’ve been eating alot and having fun and other than an extreme lack of sleep because my MSN finally works properly again (and therefore a difficulty to wake up!) i’m really contented

group 2!

group 2!!

last day of LS tomorrow. this year seems to be passing by a little too fast.
CTs in 5 weeks and i’m not sure i’ll have enough time.

but depressing thoughts aside – Ritz Apple strudel is really good!
HAHA went there for dessert last night after dinner, and whoaaaa its super good.
its so DUMB how i only realized the good food around my school this year, in my last year there!